Thursday, February 28, 2013

Dietary Concerns

I saw my new therapist Dr. P yesterday and she made me feel a lot better about the weight stuff. She gave me the name of a dietician to try, so I made an appointment for Monday. Although I am ready to talk this all out with a professional, I'm having a couple concerns. 1) She's not a registered dietitian, but a "certified nutrition specialist." I know it's snobby of me to get hung up on the letters behind her name, but is there any reason to be concerned about seeing an MS/CNS versus an RD? 2) She doesn't specialize in eating disorders. She told me over the phone that she has experience with them, but I've never seen someone who didn't work out of an ED clinic and suddenly, that's scaring me. I don't want to see somebody who's going to give me a spiel on, like, healthy eating and low-fat snacks and obesity epidemic crap and stuff like that. Again, maybe I'm overthinking it, but I want someone who knows.her.shit. Suddenly the thought of going back to J seems more appealing than it did before.

I suck at making decisions. At the moment, I'm thinking I'll keep the initial appointment with Certified Nutrition Specialist and if I get bad vibes, just e-mail J and ask if she'll see me again even though I dumped R. And then I'll hope and pray that I won't run into him in the waiting room of ED Clinic because the potential awkwardness is beyond my imaginative capabilities. Unfortunately the initial appointment fee with CNS is $110 and I am not made of CASHMONEY so that would be an expensive disappointment if it doesn't work out.


On the other hand, you might be glad to know that I have resisted weighing myself for the past several days, have pretty much stuck to my normal intake, and even ate (well, drank) another one of those extra snacks yesterday when my tummy was a-rumbling and whimpering and generally being a big old grouch.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

On Having Emotions and My Dietary Future

Feeling much less emotional today. I don't know what (aside from PMS) made all those fears and insecurities come to a head for me over the weekend, but thankfully I'm getting through it. My weight and body image are still majorly stressing me out, but I'm feeling a little less panicky and desperate about it. Plus I finally got my period (about a week late), which put my mind at ease as well. I knew it was coming from the cramps, headaches, bloating, general ickiness feelings, but I don't think I've ever gotten such abrupt hormonal mood swings before.

Something that occurred to me over the past week or so is this: I'm not numb anymore. For once, I was having strong, painful, complicated reactions to stuff other than ED obsessions and my health. I was having feelings about real life—about my future and my friends and my own character. Can't tell you how long it's been since I felt anything like that; for so long, I've been wishing that I could trade in the physical pain for a normal set of emotional problems, and hey! It still sucked, but it felt like a small victory. Like, yes, I can be a normal person and worry about normal things. Almost like I was coming back to life. And although it hurt and made me feel pretty shitty, at least I wasn't stuck on the robotic ED thoughts and anxieties, you know? I was having real emotions.

I have therapy with Dr. P tomorrow, and I am actually looking forward to bringing all this stuff up with her....e.g. how to have adult emotions, haha. It has certainly been a while since I went into therapy with a clearly articulated concern, and with clear motivation to address it.

Another possibility I'm considering is getting a referral to a dietician. The calories/weight gain/exercise stuff is making me crazy right now, and I really want to go about this the right way. Of course I've probably read every article out there about how to gain/lose weight, I know all the formulas, I've plugged my numbers into all the online calculators, but I still feel like I have zero concept of how to eat. I could always go back to J, the dietician at College City ED Clinic, but I kind of want some distance from them right now.

So for now I'm sticking to my usual diet, staying off the scale, and focusing on real life.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

In Limbo and Insecure

I'm going a little stir-crazy at the moment—can't do anything on my thesis until after I meet with my adviser tomorrow evening, and I don't have much other schoolwork (other than reading a boring book and studying for an exam the week after next...neither of which I feel like doing). And before you suggest cleaning, I've already scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom, finished two loads of laundry (that includes folding!), and showered. So my house is clean, my clothes are clean, and my bod is clean. WHAT NOW?

And maybe because of this stir-craziness, I'm getting all pensive and thinking about stuff—like, how I'm feeling reallyreallyreally insecure. Not just about my weight, although that's certainly part of it. I'm just kind of feeling generally inadequate and unsure of myself, like I don't know where I fit and what I'm supposed to be doing.

ED stuff is the obvious place to start—like I've said a million times, I'm eating well and my weight is healthy, but the old worries are nagging at me. Like I mentioned yesterday, the numbers on the scale seem to be creeping up ever-so-slowly and I don't know whether it's for real, or whether I'm being a paranoid anorexic, or whether I have yet another new crazy rare medical condition (just kidding...) So as a result, I don't know whether I need to eat less, eat more, eat differently, lift less, lift more, run farther, run faster, run less...I.don't.know.

In other ways, this seems silly because of course I know what I should be doing: I'm in school. I'm a student. I'm writing an honors thesis. I've been very successful. But after that, what? If I don't get into graduate school, I have no backup plan. I have no idea what my chances are, but I'm stressing about it. A lot. It doesn't help that my roommate has already been accepted by a couple of places (different timeline, and different programs so there's no competitiveness or anything between us there) and she is now in the process of weighing the pros and cons of different schools/cities rather than worrying about getting in at all. So I'm left feeling very unsure of my abilities, my future, and my worth.

I've isolated myself a lot over the last year. It wasn't really avoidable, what with being hurt and sick and depressed all the time, but now I'm feeling lonely and have this sense that it's all my own fault. I mean, I certainly have friends—but it just doesn't feel the same as it used to. I used to have a definite crew that I stuck with, but not so much anymore. I tend to see friends one-on-one, or in small groups, stuff like that. Maybe I've just grown up, outgrown some of them, moved on to a different place in my life/socializing tendencies/maturity...I don't know.

Okay, this is starting to feel like a pointless post. Not sure what exactly is getting me down right now, but I just wish things were less up in the air. I wish my weight were stable...or at least that I were convinced it were stable. I wish I had an idea of where I'll be living six months or a year from now. I wish I were feeling less lonely and more vibrant. More settled.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Seeking Advice and Reassurance

I am a little embarrassed to be asking/worrying about this, especially after telling you guys how wonderfully I'm doing with food and weight and stuff recently, but...whatever, here goes:

First, my weight has made a little jump over the past few weeks. I'm trying not to freak out—has anyone else noticed their weight go up after exercising? Intuitively it doesn't really make sense to me, and I'm trying to see this as a maybe-normal fluctuation, but UGH. I hate gaining weight. Especially when I'm trying so hard to stay motivated, work on body image, keep my calories up, and even increase my intake a little. Objectively, I know that I'm not eating too many calories, so I worry that my metabolism just permanently sucks or something.

Second: My period is late and no, I'm not pregnant. Do you guys think even the small amount of exercise I've been doing could affect it so quickly?? I've literally done maybe an hour total of cardio (mix of running and biking - both light) over the past month, and weight lifting on average twice a week. My cycle has been pretty darn regular since July, so I can't think of what else would affect it. Dr. A didn't say anything about the hormone treatment having any impact, and it's such a low dose anyway. Besides, I started that back in December and have had two normal periods since then.

Anyways, hopefully I'm just being paranoid as per usual. Happy Saturday, everyone.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Tale of Two Snacks

My appetite has been doing funky things lately—a.k.a growling when it shouldn't be, not adhering to my self-imposed meal times, and generally being majorly uncooperative. I suppose it shouldn't come as a shock that resuming exercise would make me hungrier, but my brain is still struggling to come to grips with it. To be clear, I do try to increase my intake on the days I work out, and am fine with it in theory, but actually putting those increases into practice is completely unintuitive.

If I haven't reiterated this lately, I'm a slave to my routine. Same foods, same times, every day. I count the calories of everything that passes through my lips. Over the last few months, I've gotten way less rigid than I used to be (and I eat way more than I used to), but the dependence on routine is completely entrenched. So, unexpected hunger does not fit into my self-imposed regime because, quite simply, I never eat according to hunger cues. I only eat when it's time to eat.

At the same time, though, I'm getting better at bucking my own rules. Case in point: yesterday, I'd already eaten breakfast, lunch, and snack by around 4pm or so. I was sitting in the library trying to read when my stomach decided to rebel and started grumbling like crazy. I got that sick, empty, hungry feeling that even I can't ignore. BUT what to do? Snack time was over. It was a long time until dinner. WHAT THE HELL DOES ONE DO IN THIS SCENARIO?

Well, I suppose there were a few options. (1) Keep trying to ignore it until either the people around me started complaining about the sound of my tummy grumblings, or until I passed out from hunger. (2) Guzzle water/coffee/diet soda, chew gum, suck on a mint etc. or any one of a million anorexic tricks to play on the brain-gut connection. Or, finally (3) Eat something.

This whole dilemma took a while to work through, but in the end I decided to be a rational, mature, intelligent, recovery-minded grown-up person and go with option (3). Yes, believe it or not, I went downstairs to the coffee shop and bought a snack. An EXTRA snack. Technically it wasn't food but a drink with calories instead, which was easier for my brain to process for some reason (maybe a throwback to my Boost days?), but regardless, it was totally out of character for me to take in something extra based on hunger cues. Who does that? 


And maybe the most notable part of this whole story is that I didn't even really feel guilty afterwards. Maybe a little, but it was more just general body image ickiness than true omgwhydidIeatthat guilt. It felt logical and—dare I say—satisfying to listen to my body instead of endlessly overanalyzing. Hoping to make this a trend, and hopefully Dr. P will be as impressed with my impromptu snackage as I was.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Resuming Exercise, Resuming Therapy

I went for a run yesterday—first time since November 2011. Granted, it was only about ten minutes around the block, but wow did it feel amazing. I literally almost cried as I started, because I was so happy to be able to run again. Now, before everyone panics and goes all KAYLEE YOU FREAK WHAT ABOUT THE WHOLE ANOREXIA THING, let me say that I have zero desire to jump back into exercise headfirst. First of all, I've been mainly lifting, which means that I am literally incapacitated with soreness for a full 3-4 days afterwards, and thus cannot even contemplate throwing the weights around more than twice a week. As for the running, sure it felt great, but I was also dying because I am woefully out of shape. A ten-minute mile felt like a full-out sprint. Chest heaving, throat burning, legs wobbling—the whole nine yards. So again, I couldn't have done much more than that even if I'd wanted.

Eventually, of course, I'll get into better shape and be able to work out more often. At the same time, I have zero desire to overdo it. I want to feel good, not to burn calories or lose weight. Kaylee is not allowed to lose weight. As much as I might hate my current weight, continuing to be in pain would be a thousand times worse. It probably seems like I'm making this all sound very simple and easy, which it won't be. Overexercise has been a problem for me as far back as I can remember, and it was only when an injury forced me to quit cold-turkey that I was able to break the daily cardio compulsion. But I have the best intentions in the world, and promise to keep myself accountable.

That being said, my period is late. I don't think I've been doing enough exercise volume- or intensity-wise to affect my period, but I suppose time will tell. Fingers crossed I get my period this month, or else I'll have to do some serious rethinking about my eating and working-out habits.

On that note, I think my therapy situation might finally be settled. I officially dumped meanie Candidate #1 this morning, and had my second appointment with Candidate #2, who will henceforth be known as Dr. P. (Do I already have a Dr. P? I can't remember how many letters I've assigned. WHATEVER. Dr. P it is.)   I really like her. She's sweet and understanding and has lots of ideas about how to address the issues that need addressing. I left my appointment feeling good for a change, and ready to move forward. Haven't had that feeling post-therapy in a long, long time.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

General Life Rundown

Thanks to those of you who validated my outrage at New Therapist Candidate #1. It's pretty disappointing, because I'd had high hopes for her and thought we were on the same page at our initial session. But it's better to figure this stuff out sooner rather than later, no? I have since left a message with Candidate #2 asking to schedule another appointment and hopefully this time, things will work out.

I forget if I told you guys this already, but I officially dumped R last week. Don't judge me: I did it via voicemail. It's crazy how nervous I was about it too—like, I was literally shaking as I dialed. I had planned out what to say, which essentially included: "I've decided to see someone else for a while, thanks for seeing me the past year-and-a-half and for everything that you've done." In my defense, I did leave my number and told him to call if he wanted to for whatever reason, but so far he hasn't. Whew. Even just thinking about it gets me wound up again. Have I mentioned how much I hate confrontation?

ED notes of the week: I've drastically cut down on weighing myself. I used to get on the scale obsessively twice  day, but now it's maybe 2-3 times a week. Partly because the minute fluctuations don't bother me so much anymore (why hello, rational non-starved brain) and partly because I've realized that my body likes to hang onto a couple pounds of fluid or something after I lift weights, and I simply don't care to torture myself with the numbers anymore. Plus the fact that eating more + lifting weights will most likely lead to a few extra pounds of muscle over time, which doesn't bother me in theory although it's still no fun to see the number on the scale go up. Call it blissful ignorance, I suppose.

I went to a single girls' Valentine's Day gathering the other night at my friend's apartment, where I happily sipped hot chocolate and munched on popcorn. Yesterday I had a cookie as an afternoon snack, and went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, and cousins who were passing through town. It's still kind of baffling that I can be so calm about food. I really think the exercise (however minimal) has made a huge difference in my rationalization process about how much I can eat. I've never had much interest in weight training as I never really saw it as a calorie-torcher (which was all I used to care about) but I do love how it makes my body feel. Yesterday I also managed to run for five minutes on the treadmill with no pain, although my lungs were screaming and my legs were wobbly all day afterwards.

Pain update: I think the hormones combined with PT are helping, at least a little. It's only been about eight weeks, and Dr. A said it could take up to 3-4 months before I see major improvement, so I'm staying optimistic. Daily life with walking around and sitting for any length of time is still a bit of a struggle, but I keep reminding myself that the end is in sight. Plus my eyes are feeling GREAT and having that weight off my shoulders is a huge relief.

Okay, gotta get back to school stuff! Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend, I'll keep you posted on the therapy saga!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Trusting My Gut

Sorry to go MIA for the past week, things have been insanely busy. I have four papers due next week, and am getting juuuust a smidge overwhelmed. At the same time, I've been dealing with the therapy situation. There's no way I can cover all the thoughts/conflicts I've had about this but here's the condensed version:

As you know, I first saw Candidate #1 last week, and she seemed great. Competent, intelligent, and ready to work with me. I was about ready to just commit to sticking with her, but decided that I should probably keep my consult with Candidate #2 anyway, just to be safe. So I saw #2 this past Tuesday, and she seemed great also. Very different from #1, but no less competent or intelligent. She was much cheerier, warmer, and very very sweet. AND she's had tons of ED experience in both inpatient and outpatient settings, which was a major plus to me. Still, I'd kind of already set my mind on sticking with #1, but decided to wait until after the next appointment to confirm.

So yesterday, I had my second appointment with #1. And let me tell you—my opinion totally changed. She was cold, challenging, and critical. I found myself on the verge of tears for the first time in a long time, ruminating about old fears that haven't been a problem in a long time.

Issue #1: She kept saying "Eating disorders are all about control. Eating disorders are all about control. What are you trying to control?" I'm not a psychologist, but I know this: my eating disorder is not all about control. It's about environmental pressures, sure, but it's also about my genetics, my personality, my brain chemistry, and a whole host of other factors that are way too intricate and nuanced to be contained in a lil old blog post by yours truly. Eating disorders are not "all about" anything, and anyone who claims they are has zero understanding of anorexia's complexity.

Issue #2: She wanted to hear about my childhood. Okay, fine. I'm not really into the psychoanalysis childhood-trama thing, but maybe there was stuff in my childhood that contributed to me developing the predisposition to anorexia. I started telling her about my parents, and how they rock and I have a great relationship with both of them. She asked what they do, so I told her about how my dad has always worked super hard and had long hours.

And her response: "Well, it doesn't sound like it's a very good relationship if he was never home."
Me: "Um...he had a family to support? And his work is very important to him."
Her: "Clearly his work was more important to him than his family."

I was speechless. How dare you talk about my dad like that? How dare you? I almost got up and walked out right then, but of course I'm a people-pleaser and figured I'd misinterpreted her message, so decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Issue #3: "Tell me about your mom."
Me: "She's great. We have a great relationship."
Her: "Then how has she let things get so bad for you?"
Me: "But I'm doing really well. And my mom has always been there for me—last semester, I would call her crying multiple times a day when I couldn't cope on my own."
Her: "If you were crying so much, it doesn't sound like she did much good."

So, suffice it to say that I'm done with Candidate #1. I'm too angry, too offended, and too disgusted with her assumptions about me, my illness, and family to even consider going back. I agonized about it for a little, since she does seem so confident and professional, but it's just not going to work. I need someone who makes me feel safe, not attacked. Gut instincts matter, I'm learning. Even if I need a therapist, I certainly don't need to settle.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Sunday Update and Drug Questions

Happy Sunday! Hope everyone stayed safe from that blizzard in the northeast, I saw some crazy photos  of massive snow drifts and buried cars and stuff. I probably shouldn't complain about getting rain instead, but gosh darn it I hate rain.

I've had a lovely weekend. Friday was somehow insanely busy, even with no class. Gym in the morning (and now I'm so sore I can't move), laundry, work meeting, thesis meeting, tutoring, and then out with friends. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and then a coffee shop with Roomie to work for a while in the afternoon, then trekked over to campus for a meeting that lasted THREE HOURS. Then I sprinted home to drop off my school stuff, change, and head out to dinner/drinks with some friends.

Oh, I decided to keep that consultation with New Therapist Candidate #2 after all, so I'm seeing her on Tuesday and will definitely keep you all posted on how it goes. While I did really like Candidate #1, I still want to take advantage of this opportunity to shop around a bit, as I've never had that before. I'm pretty interested to compare the two candidates, and hopefully make a decision sooner rather than later. For the first time in my life, I'm actually eager to start therapy and get moving on the crap that needs to be addressed.

On that note, Operation Maybe Increase Calories is...sort of happening. A little. Not in the neat, calculated way I had planned on, but in a sort of haphazard-but-well-intentioned way.

Random info request: Anyone have experience with Cymbalta? New Candidate #1 mentioned it as a possible alternative to gabapentin for nerve pain, with the added benefit of treating depression at the same time. Apparently it is used quite commonly for fibromyalgia, neuropathy, etc. Depression isn't a major issue at the moment (can't believe I just typed that sentence...) but my emotional state still seems pretty fragile—mostly because of pain. I'm also on Celexa, which has done wonders for my anxiety but nothing for depression. Just curious about anti-D options, especially one that—as Candidate #1 put it—could "kill two birds with one stone." Feel free to send me an e-mail if you prefer:

Okay, thanks! Much love to you all.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

The Little Things

Sleeping in until 9 (that's late for me!) after a glorious night's sleep.

Putting on a sweatshirt still warm from the dryer.

Discovering half-price chicken breasts on sale at the grocery store.

Getting a positive e-mail from my adviser: "You've done some GREAT work here, Kaylee."

Allowing myself to eat full-fat yogurt because it tastes better and is good for me.

Finally accepting that my weight will fluctuate day-to-day, and being relatively okay with it.

Coming home from a night out to find my roommate curled up on our couch, and spending the next two hours hanging out and laughing our heads off. Quoting Pristiq commercials.

Having new episodes of Suits AND The Bachelor to watch. (Sean! Tierra is totally playing you! Open your eyes!) Has anyone watched that new show The Americans? I haven't yet, but I'm intrigued.

Being excited to work on my anthropology paper because the material is fascinating and I'm a nerd.

Looking in the mirror and not feeling like a whale. A petite hog, perhaps, but definitely not a whale.

Happily scarfing down a peanut butter sandwich, wondering how the hell I used to only eat that crappy low-calorie cardboard bread.

Drinking coffee. Preferable Starbucks or Panera. No Kaldi's please!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

New Therapist Recap

Well, I had my appointment with New Therapist Candidate #1 yesterday and the verdict: I liked her! We spent most of the session rehashing my history of the past few years, starting with the ED, then moving into the other health- and emotional-related issues. She had a pretty straightforward, down-to-business demeanor, which I liked; it didn't feel like she was psychoanalyzing me or head-shrinking me or anything, but more that she was taking me very seriously and was ready to help tackle my issues.

Even with her no-nonsense approach, though, she seemed quite sweet, which is probably good for me. I don't have the world's thickest skin. At the same time, she could probably kick my butt if I needed it. But most of all, I just got good vibes and felt like I could talk to her. I was pretty proud of myself for being as open as I was about everything that's been going on, and about all my thoughts/feelings/fears.

Something we agreed on was that while I'm still not cured of the ED or depression or anything, I am in the right headspace to address them—and that's important. With R, it never quite seemed relevant whether or not I was on board with the treatment plan; he just kind of mandated what needed to happen (e.g. weight gain, cutting exercise, drinking Boost, etc.) and then when it didn't, I got saddled with guilt and consequences. Of course some of those conflicts were my fault and I don't want to make R out to be a total villain here, but it was simply not a productive relationship, and things were only deteriorating.

One funny difference: R is a big guy and I always felt totally dwarfed in his office, but New Therapist is teeny. Not in a triggering omg-my-therapist-is-skinnier-than-me kind of way; she's just petite. I was noticing when we walked back to her office that she was making me feel really tall, and then I realized she was even wearing high-heeled boots. Another, way more important difference: R's office just had lame chairs, but New Therapist's office has a super comfy couch. So, I think I could work with that.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. New Therapist asked what kinds of therapy had worked for me in the past, and I was totally stumped. To be honest, it's never felt like I've ever gotten much out of therapy, which must have had more to do with my mindset and lack of compliance than anything else. My parents have always mandated treatment for me, so I've never had a choice about it, never gotten to pick my own therapist, and never felt totally included in my own recovery plan. So it feels good to be doing this of my own accord for once, and I really want to make the most of it.

I have a consult scheduled with another candidate next week, and I'm debating whether or not to even go. I suppose it couldn't hurt, except that rehashing everything again sounds exhausting. I'll decide later.

Next time I see New Therapist, I want to talk more about how she plans to proceed in terms of my ED recovery. Things are mostly under control with my weight and intake, but the struggle in my head is by no means resolved. Regarding the rest of my team, New Therapist wanted to know if I'd still see my dietician—I'd be open to it, although I haven't seen J in a few months anyway and don't really feel any need/desire to go back anytime soon. New Therapist also asked permission to get in touch with my psychiatrist Dr. L, whom I ADORE and will definitely keep seeing. I think that will be a great alliance to have in my corner, assuming I stay with New Therapist and things work out.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Pre-Therapy Jitters

I went through the same thing before my first appointment with R, but I'm SUPER nervous about seeing New Therapist Candidate tomorrow. Partly, it's going to be hard to go through my history with her. Most of all that crap still makes me upset to talk about, and I'm not good at articulating/condensing it. Plus, I've never chosen a therapist before, so I'm not really sure how to go about deciding whether or not she'll be a good fit for me. I really really really don't want to cry in front of her. I am also unsure of whether or not she might turn me down—I obviously have a complicated situation, and will be the first to admit that I am not the easiest patient to work with. As far as other options, I have a tentative consult set up with a second new candidate, but will probably cancel if tomorrow ends up going well.

On a related note...R. I've never dumped a therapist before (is it like dumping boyfriends? I've done plenty of that!) and I'm absolutely dreading the awkwardness. Do I have to go back and see him and talk in person, or is it okay to just call? ...I kind of don't want to spend $180 on "good-bye." Should I wait until after seeing New Therapist Candidate to decide? Should I tell him about her? UGH. This feels like a divorce. At least there are no kids involved.

So, I'm going to try being brave with New Therapist Candidate tomorrow and fill her in on as much as possible. If it scares her off, well then, she wasn't the right person anyway. Will keep you all posted!

Random recovery positive: my hair isn't falling out anymore. The difference is actually quite dramatic—no more strands on my pillow when I wake up in the morning, and no more thick clumps tangled up in my fingers when I run them through my hair after showering. I've only noticed the change in the past couple of months, but hopefully this means I won't be bald by thirty.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Back to Basics

My consult with New Therapist Candidate is looming, and I've been trying to pin down which of my Issues need the most attention. There's no possible way I can fit my whole psychological/medical/personal history into fifty minutes, and I'm planning to pare everything down to the bare essentials for this first session. But that, of course, is way easier said than done.

The eye, pain, and depression have dominated my thoughts for the past six months or so, and I'm tempted to go into the consultation focusing on just those. But of course, the eating disorder was the whole reason I started therapy, and the eating disorder is what led to all the other problems in the first place.

I haven't been writing about ED stuff as much lately because things are pretty much status quo—eating a relatively reasonable amount, maintaining my weight, not obsessing too much. BUT now I wonder if maybe that's not good enough anymore. Maybe the only reason I'm feeling less rigid and more chill about food is because I'm not really challenging myself much. Although no one would look at my diet right now and say OMG GIRL'Z ANOREXIC, my intake is not exactly liberal, and I eat very nearly the exact same thing every day. And certainly no one would look at my body and say GIRL EAT A SANDWICH, but I am still hovering right around the bare minimum healthy weight as set by my last two treatment teams.

I think the Chub Drug may have lulled me into a semi-false sense of security, as I gained XX pounds on it without changing my intake AT ALL from what is was before, when I was maintaining that lower  (objectively underweight) number. So it seems like I should be super healthy right now, judging my weight alone, but the truth is that without the drug boost, my weight would probably still be too low.

The whole reason I committed myself to recovery this time around was to deal with the mounting health issues that seemed totally inexplicable except for the fact that I was under-eating and underweight. I'm certainly eating better now compared with last spring, when things were pretty much at their worst, but even I can see that my eating is not completely normal. I don't want to stall out just when I was starting to make real progress, you know?

So...I'm not going to officially commit just yet, but I am seriously contemplating another calorie increase, even knowing that it will probably mess with my head and kick the anorexic mindset back into full gear. I can't let myself forget that the eating disorder set this whole train wreck in motion, and I can't let up until the eating disorder is history.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Friday Miscellany

Happy Friday, all. I am COLD. But not gonna complain too much because things are otherwise going pretty okay and—dare I say—well, so I can deal with the cold.

I mentioned last time that I've started weight training, which has been a hugely positive step for me. A couple weeks ago, I tagged along with a friend who knows way more about lifting than I do, and she gave me some exercises that I was able to do with no pain. SO, I am a recent weight lifting convert, after years of avoiding it in favor of straight-up cardio. Now I feel super strong and awesome (even though I'm a huge weakling and basically can only lift the lightest free weights without keeling over and dying right there on the gym floor). Last time I was there, I was lifting next to this huge kid who probably outweighed me by about a hundred pounds. He was pressing these humungous barbells and I was whimpering and straining to get my lil twelve pounders over my head, which was pretty funny/mortifying/empowering all at the same time. Of course, I then pulled a muscle in my butt doing squats and will probably have to take a week or so off, but it's my own fault. Maybe that will teach me not to get overzealous. Moderation, K. Moderation.

You guys, my classes are awesome this semester. We are reading amazing material and having engaging discussions and I feel myself growing and learning, and why is it that I'm more excited about school than I ever have been in my life when I only have three months left?? Hmph. And yes, I am that kid whose hand shoots up for every question and laughs at all the professor's lame jokes and sends a million e-mails with questions and turns everything in early. SHUT UP. I am a total and unapologetic teacher's pet, always have been.

Anyone watch The Bachelor? When the heck is Sean gonna see through Tierra's evil scheming? Can't stand that girl. I'm rooting for Leslie and/or Desiree.

Just in case I haven't yet succeeded in making you completely lose all respect for me, yesterday I was super flustered before leaving for class and only remembered to put in one earring. Didn't realize it until I was in one of my aforementioned amazing classes, being my aforementioned vocal self, making some insightful, innovative point in front of forty people. Whoops!