New Therapist Recap

Well, I had my appointment with New Therapist Candidate #1 yesterday and the verdict: I liked her! We spent most of the session rehashing my history of the past few years, starting with the ED, then moving into the other health- and emotional-related issues. She had a pretty straightforward, down-to-business demeanor, which I liked; it didn't feel like she was psychoanalyzing me or head-shrinking me or anything, but more that she was taking me very seriously and was ready to help tackle my issues.

Even with her no-nonsense approach, though, she seemed quite sweet, which is probably good for me. I don't have the world's thickest skin. At the same time, she could probably kick my butt if I needed it. But most of all, I just got good vibes and felt like I could talk to her. I was pretty proud of myself for being as open as I was about everything that's been going on, and about all my thoughts/feelings/fears.

Something we agreed on was that while I'm still not cured of the ED or depression or anything, I am in the right headspace to address them—and that's important. With R, it never quite seemed relevant whether or not I was on board with the treatment plan; he just kind of mandated what needed to happen (e.g. weight gain, cutting exercise, drinking Boost, etc.) and then when it didn't, I got saddled with guilt and consequences. Of course some of those conflicts were my fault and I don't want to make R out to be a total villain here, but it was simply not a productive relationship, and things were only deteriorating.

One funny difference: R is a big guy and I always felt totally dwarfed in his office, but New Therapist is teeny. Not in a triggering omg-my-therapist-is-skinnier-than-me kind of way; she's just petite. I was noticing when we walked back to her office that she was making me feel really tall, and then I realized she was even wearing high-heeled boots. Another, way more important difference: R's office just had lame chairs, but New Therapist's office has a super comfy couch. So, I think I could work with that.

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Anyway, I'm getting off topic. New Therapist asked what kinds of therapy had worked for me in the past, and I was totally stumped. To be honest, it's never felt like I've ever gotten much out of therapy, which must have had more to do with my mindset and lack of compliance than anything else. My parents have always mandated treatment for me, so I've never had a choice about it, never gotten to pick my own therapist, and never felt totally included in my own recovery plan. So it feels good to be doing this of my own accord for once, and I really want to make the most of it.

I have a consult scheduled with another candidate next week, and I'm debating whether or not to even go. I suppose it couldn't hurt, except that rehashing everything again sounds exhausting. I'll decide later.

Next time I see New Therapist, I want to talk more about how she plans to proceed in terms of my ED recovery. Things are mostly under control with my weight and intake, but the struggle in my head is by no means resolved. Regarding the rest of my team, New Therapist wanted to know if I'd still see my dietician—I'd be open to it, although I haven't seen J in a few months anyway and don't really feel any need/desire to go back anytime soon. New Therapist also asked permission to get in touch with my psychiatrist Dr. L, whom I ADORE and will definitely keep seeing. I think that will be a great alliance to have in my corner, assuming I stay with New Therapist and things work out.