Friday, June 17, 2016

TGIF: Anxiety Edition

Things were going just swimmingly for several weeks, but my anxiety has spiked again over the past few days and I can't quite pinpoint what triggered it. My schedule is pretty laid back - I'm doing research with my advisor, but nothing insanely strenuous or time-consuming. I've had plenty of time with friends the past couple of weeks, I love my new office and officemates, things are going generally I DON'T KNOW. I'm just having a lot of those old freaky-outy feelings again, like a nervous pit in my stomach, the same thoughts churning over and over in my mind, ruminating over what is that small red dot on my finger, was that twinge in my foot another stress fracture, what if I get another eye infection, what if the nerve pain comes back etc. etc. etc. all day long. After not touching the stuff for at least a month, I've taken Klonopin three days in a row. It definitely helps, but I hate taking it every day because (1) I worry about getting dependent/it losing effectiveness, and (2) It means my current SSRI dose is probably not sufficient, and I don't want to have to increase because WHAT IF I DON'T KNOW.

But objectively things are going well, which I try to focus on. I made a new friend who has turned into a major support for me, and I recently reconnected with an old friend from my masters program, so I'm feeling a little less lonely than I was before when a bunch of my friends moved away over the past year. I've submitted three manuscripts to journals, and have another couple in progress with my advisor so hopefully at least SOMETHING won't get rejected. I might have a sweet teaching gig set up in the fall for which I will get paid serious $$$$$ (serious $$$$$ for a poor graduate student, I's all relative....).

Fun stuff: Spent the night at my cousin's on Tuesday to drink wine and watch the Bachelorette (yo wtf is up with Chad), and went to happy hour with the aforementioned old friend on Wednesday, then yesterday tagged along on an impulsive trip to the zoo. Way too hot so we didn't last long, but it was a nice outing anyway.

A few book recommendations because in the summer, I READ:
- One of Us: The Story of Anders Breivik and the Massacre in Norway (nonfiction)
- Behind the Beautiful Forevers (nonfiction)
- The Narrow Road to the Deep North (fiction)
The Turner House (fiction)

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Recap and Obsessions

Hiya folks, long time no blog. DEEPEST APOLOGIES. I've just been...I don't know, not in the mood? Out of the habit? Out of practice? Anyway, life continues.

I just finished Year 1 of my PhD program (HALLELUJAH), which means several thing:
(1) I am halfway done with coursework (we have to take classes the first two years)
(2) If all goes according to plan, I am 25% done with the whole degree (I am trying to finish in four years)
(3) Last week I got to move out of the communal "first year office" (shared among all ten of us...) into my brand new beautiful QUIET office, which I only share with two others. Sometimes I just sit and listen to the silence in wonder.

It's been a crazy few weeks. The first weekend in May, I drove up to Northern State to see my best friend for a few days, went home to see my parents/celebrate my dad's birthday on the East Coast for 10 days in late May, stopped back in College City (Midwest) for one day, then flew out to a conference on the West Coast for three days. Then I got back and promptly got sick. Still super congested and hacking away, but at least it seems like this virus is finally on its way out. I HATE PLANES. I had fun (and LOVE LOVE LOVED SUNNY WEST COAST CITY) but I do need a break from traveling for a while. My next trip will be another conference back on the East Coast in August.

Anxiety has been better (other than a small spike this morning...which I'm hoping was an isolated incident). I've been on 20mg of Prozac for several weeks now and either it's really working, or my life has just gotten a lot less stressful since the end of the semester. In fact, this morning was the first time I've taken a Klonopin in weeks, which is a huge improvement from where I was for most of the spring. Anyway, good weather helps, getting back into running helps, having a social life helps, visiting Mama and Popsicle helped, so maybe things are stabilizing after all.

Big improvements on the ED front - while I was at my parents' house, my mom had cornbread. I haven't eaten cornbread in FOREVER, even though I love it. A while back I gave up all unnecessary bread products, and definitely all non-whole wheat bread products. But that cornbread was so gosh darn good, I actually got some for myself once I got back to College City and have eaten a piece with dinner every single night for the past week. And I've discovered I love Subway's flatbread sandwiches (used to only get whole wheat), so now I order those even though they are—gasp—white.

Haven't done this in a while but a random list of things I am obsessed with:
- The Bachelorette (HI CHAD)
- Stephen Colbert. I still preferred him on The Colbert Report to The Late Show, but damn is he funny either way.
- The Stanford rape victim's letter. If you haven't read it yet, DO IT. THE WHOLE THING.
- Chrissy Teigen. Follow her on Twitter, she's hilarious.
- The podcast "2 Dope Queens." Proceed with caution if you are easily offended, prude, or racist.
- Cornbread (just reiterating)
- Gnarly Head Pinot Grigio #bwg (basic white girl) (don't even curr)