Sunday, August 7, 2016

August Already?

Sheesh, this summer has flown by. Can't believe classes start up again in just a few weeks. I just got back into town after a few days in Big East Coast City for a conference. The actual conference was pretty boring, but I ditched early and went sight-seeing. Today I'm back in my office sending the obligatory awkward follow-up e-mails to all the people I got business cards from.

So...I did my first online dating escapade/relationship/breakup (all within about two weeks!). I had seen Online Guy three or four times, but decided by then that I wasn't really feeling it. Unfortunately he WAS really feeling it....showed up to our last date in a suit and bowtie (because I had told him I thought they were cute), with a bottle of wine (because I'd told him I liked wine), with play tickets (because I told him I liked plays). ARGH. So obviously I couldn't break it off then.....we had an awkward conversation about how "maybe we should slow things down" or whatever, then today I finally did the deed for real. Ugh. That's never fun.

I have two more tentative dates coming up this week - STAY TUNED. Hey who here watches The Bachelorette? Because that is literally my life right now.

So I had a weird experience this morning. I decided to go running in a new/old place—a.k.a. it was a place I used to run in college, but haven't been back to in several years. So I was huffing and puffing along Memory Lane when I started crunching some numbers in my head:

—It had been 6 years since I last ran there.

—I now weigh 32 pounds more.

—My runs are now 2-3 miles shorter (and I'm no slouch now, mind you)

—Take the number of calories I used to eat per day back then, quadruple it, and add 200. That's how much I eat now.

Crazy, no?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Adventures in Online Dating (and other updates)

This online dating thing moves quickly, it seems... After I first met my ex (the old-fashioned way) last August, it took him six weeks to actually follow up. I've only been on this dating site for like eight days or something, and I've already met someone, hung out with him twice, and have another date lined up with Guy #2 on Wednesday.

I used to swear up and down I would never ever ever do online dating, but turns out every (as in, EVERY) one of my single friends is on Tinder or Bumble or OCCupid or Match or whatever else the kids are doing these days. Anyway, my date with Guy #1 went great - he is super adorable and sweet and nerdy in the best way possible. We actually hung out again the next day, totally spontaneous but felt so easy and fun. So, consider me crushing :) Date with Guy #2 is later this week; we've been texting a lot but I haven't actually met him in person yet. He has promised he "has never seen Dexter" so he won't "stalk or murder" me. And who says romance is dead??? It feels really weird and kind of icky to be going out with two guys at once....any experience/opinions/judgements about this???

So overall it was a busy week/weekend - Thursday was Taco Night at a friend's apartment, Friday was drinks and dinner with an old college friend, Saturday was date #1 (dinner and gelato), and Sunday was date #2 (exploring a neighborhood downtown).

I just saw my psychiatrist for a three-month follow-up. I adore her. We agreed things are going A-Okay in the anxiety department—perhaps due to a lighter schedule or the new drug cocktail (on 20mg Prozac and 1mg Klonopin as needed). Anyway, it's always a nice feeling to run out of things to say with the shrink, no? That being said, I actually did pop a Klonopin today for the first time in several weeks. I was feeling super antsy and nervous and approaching freak-out mode....not sure why, perhaps too many new people, too much being out and about, too many new feelings etc. etc. etc.

Oh, and another weird thing - I've been feeling really fat lately. Not sure how else to describe it, just that visceral sense that you are jiggly and too much. I had thought it was PMS-related bloating, but it didn't go away after my period ended, and I was feeling SO ICKY and self conscious; I convinced myself that the Prozac was indeed, despite my psychiatrist's assurance, causing me to gain weight. I've been afraid to step on the scale but this morning I finally did (first time in MONTHS) and whaddya know, weight is rock solid. Still within the same 2-3 pound range I have been for at least two years.

As a result of too much play and not enough work, I am swamped today finishing up work for my advisor, and grading final papers for the class I TAed earlier this month. Happy Monday, everyone!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Stormy Musings

Things have slowed wayyyy down after a crazy few weeks. I was traveling quite a bit at the beginning of the summer (home, conferences, visiting friends) then my mom was in town for a week for the 4th, I taught a class for a month (five hours a day, four days a week....BRUTAL) which just ended. Now I'm just finishing up grading final papers, and my advisor is out of town for the next two weeks which means FREEDOM.

The weather in College City abso-fucking-lutely sucks and I'm so over it. Weeks and weeks of brutal heat, plus almost daily rain/thunderstorms, plus out-of-this-world humidity = cranky Kaylee. Is it too much to ask for a moderately temperate climate, Midwest? Is it?!? Holy Jesus literally as I've been sitting here writing this, another thunderstorm just rolled in. GET ME OUT.

Otherwise, I suppose the biggest news from the past week is that I got a haircut (I LEAD A VERY EXCITING LIFE). My hair was sooooo long, like almost to my waist. I got four inches cut off, but of course my hair was so long to begin with that it's almost not even noticeable. I've been growing my hair out for about three years now with only periodic trims, so this was a semi milestone. Even though it doesn't really look all that different.

Each of these could probably be its own post, but as you can tell from my recent blogging habits, it would probably be overly ambitious of me to attempt that. So here are a few developments:

- I'm in a fight with my best friend. But...she doesn't know we're in a fight. In other words, I'm super annoyed with her for reasons that are too specific and complicated and longstanding to explain here, but haven't talked with her about it. So I'm stewing silently and being passive aggressive and distant. #maturity

- I'm having lots of insecurities about academic/professional/career stuff. This summer has been hard because I'm working on lots of random stuff for my advisor without any sense of compelling purpose. I'm not loving any of the projects I'm on right now, which has me feeling very ambivalent and half-hearted about my work. Plus I've gotten TWO manuscripts rejected by journals in the past month, and my self-confidence has taken a serious hit. I've been thinking about what it means to be in this field, fighting for publication and funding and tenure for the next decade at least, and questioning whether my present career/life plans are right for me.

- I joined OKCupid. God help us all.

Friday, June 17, 2016

TGIF: Anxiety Edition

Things were going just swimmingly for several weeks, but my anxiety has spiked again over the past few days and I can't quite pinpoint what triggered it. My schedule is pretty laid back - I'm doing research with my advisor, but nothing insanely strenuous or time-consuming. I've had plenty of time with friends the past couple of weeks, I love my new office and officemates, things are going generally well....so I DON'T KNOW. I'm just having a lot of those old freaky-outy feelings again, like a nervous pit in my stomach, the same thoughts churning over and over in my mind, ruminating over what is that small red dot on my finger, was that twinge in my foot another stress fracture, what if I get another eye infection, what if the nerve pain comes back etc. etc. etc. all day long. After not touching the stuff for at least a month, I've taken Klonopin three days in a row. It definitely helps, but I hate taking it every day because (1) I worry about getting dependent/it losing effectiveness, and (2) It means my current SSRI dose is probably not sufficient, and I don't want to have to increase because WHAT IF I DON'T KNOW.

But objectively things are going well, which I try to focus on. I made a new friend who has turned into a major support for me, and I recently reconnected with an old friend from my masters program, so I'm feeling a little less lonely than I was before when a bunch of my friends moved away over the past year. I've submitted three manuscripts to journals, and have another couple in progress with my advisor so hopefully at least SOMETHING won't get rejected. I might have a sweet teaching gig set up in the fall for which I will get paid serious $$$$$ (serious $$$$$ for a poor graduate student, I mean....it's all relative....).

Fun stuff: Spent the night at my cousin's on Tuesday to drink wine and watch the Bachelorette (yo wtf is up with Chad), and went to happy hour with the aforementioned old friend on Wednesday, then yesterday tagged along on an impulsive trip to the zoo. Way too hot so we didn't last long, but it was a nice outing anyway.

A few book recommendations because in the summer, I READ:
- One of Us: The Story of Anders Breivik and the Massacre in Norway (nonfiction)
- Behind the Beautiful Forevers (nonfiction)
- The Narrow Road to the Deep North (fiction)
The Turner House (fiction)

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Recap and Obsessions

Hiya folks, long time no blog. DEEPEST APOLOGIES. I've just been...I don't know, not in the mood? Out of the habit? Out of practice? Anyway, life continues.

I just finished Year 1 of my PhD program (HALLELUJAH), which means several thing:
(1) I am halfway done with coursework (we have to take classes the first two years)
(2) If all goes according to plan, I am 25% done with the whole degree (I am trying to finish in four years)
(3) Last week I got to move out of the communal "first year office" (shared among all ten of us...) into my brand new beautiful QUIET office, which I only share with two others. Sometimes I just sit and listen to the silence in wonder.

It's been a crazy few weeks. The first weekend in May, I drove up to Northern State to see my best friend for a few days, went home to see my parents/celebrate my dad's birthday on the East Coast for 10 days in late May, stopped back in College City (Midwest) for one day, then flew out to a conference on the West Coast for three days. Then I got back and promptly got sick. Still super congested and hacking away, but at least it seems like this virus is finally on its way out. I HATE PLANES. I had fun (and LOVE LOVE LOVED SUNNY WEST COAST CITY) but I do need a break from traveling for a while. My next trip will be another conference back on the East Coast in August.

Anxiety has been better (other than a small spike this morning...which I'm hoping was an isolated incident). I've been on 20mg of Prozac for several weeks now and either it's really working, or my life has just gotten a lot less stressful since the end of the semester. In fact, this morning was the first time I've taken a Klonopin in weeks, which is a huge improvement from where I was for most of the spring. Anyway, good weather helps, getting back into running helps, having a social life helps, visiting Mama and Popsicle helped, so maybe things are stabilizing after all.

Big improvements on the ED front - while I was at my parents' house, my mom had cornbread. I haven't eaten cornbread in FOREVER, even though I love it. A while back I gave up all unnecessary bread products, and definitely all non-whole wheat bread products. But that cornbread was so gosh darn good, I actually got some for myself once I got back to College City and have eaten a piece with dinner every single night for the past week. And I've discovered I love Subway's flatbread sandwiches (used to only get whole wheat), so now I order those even though they are—gasp—white.

Haven't done this in a while but a random list of things I am obsessed with:
- The Bachelorette (HI CHAD)
- Stephen Colbert. I still preferred him on The Colbert Report to The Late Show, but damn is he funny either way.
- The Stanford rape victim's letter. If you haven't read it yet, DO IT. THE WHOLE THING.
- Chrissy Teigen. Follow her on Twitter, she's hilarious.
- The podcast "2 Dope Queens." Proceed with caution if you are easily offended, prude, or racist.
- Cornbread (just reiterating)
- Gnarly Head Pinot Grigio #bwg (basic white girl) (don't even curr)

Monday, May 2, 2016

Hello, Set Point Theory

**************TRIGGER WARNING**************

This article discusses weight, pounds, calories, dieting, etc. etc. etc. but is really fascinating from a biological standpoint.

After the "Biggest Loser"

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Med Updates

I know that I barely post at all these days, and when I do it tends to be ANXIETYANXIETYANXIETY and not much else. Sorry. I have truly never been hit so hard by anxiety as I have in the past year. It's really hard to describe feeling so unsafe in your own head. It has waxed and waned a bit, but since about July or so, I have pretty much been consumed by anxiety. It's not that it always so terrible, but sometimes it is and I am constantly calibrating how my brain feels...is it going to be a good day? A terrible day? Do I need to call Mama Bear? Do I need to call Dr. P? Do I need to call Dr. New Psychiatrist? Do I need to suck it up and get a grip? Do I need to pop a Klonopin?

I'm doing better lately, mostly because the meds have been a game changer. I started on Celexa back in November and things improved dramatically with a few weeks, but that also coincided with me going on winter break and my stress level dropping to approximately zero. The spring semester has definitely been better than the fall, but over the past couple months my anxiety started rising again to pretty intolerable levels again. I doubled my dose of Celexa, but was still relying pretty heavily on the Klonopin. I have the Klonopin to take "as needed," but "as needed" was pretty much daily. So, my psychiatrist (I started seeing her last fall and I ADORE HER) just switched me to Prozac. For a week, I was tapering down the Celexa, then tapering up the Prozac, and I am supposed to take Klonopin daily to keep things under control in the transition - particularly since she warned me that Prozac can be "activating" in the beginning. Anyway, I've been on the Prozac for about a week or so with no real news to report, other than a little nausea and general tummy unhappiness. I was taking 1mg Klonopin daily last week, then decided to try going without and so far so good. So, cautious fist pump.

Anyway, I have about one week left of this insane semester and then things should settle down for a bit. Much love to all, hope this BRIEF update is enough to sustain you for a little.

Love,
Your Favorite Worst Blogger

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Updates in Bullets

I don't know why it feels so hard to blog these days, but I want to write something. So, the bulleted version:

— Almost done with my first year of the PhD. They all say the first year is the hardest, just with adjusting to the program and being in classes and encountering an enormous learning curve with almost everything you are expected to do. So far that feels about right. I'm doing fine in my classes, but yikes I am snowed under with work all.the.time. Also, MEETINGS. It feels like I am constantly running to meetings, sitting in meetings, scheduling meetings, trying to decipher my notes from meetings, scratching my head on how it feels like I spend more time in meetings than actually doing work.

— Anxiety is kicking my ass. Again. It scares me because I've been on Celexa now for about 4-5 months, and actually recently doubled my dose (I'm at 40 mg). But the last couple of weeks, my anxiety has felt almost as bad as it was back in the fall before I started medication at all. How is that even possible?? I've taken Klonopin several times during the day over the past couple weeks, which I previously had almost NEVER done, and it helps a little but obviously is not a sustainable solution. Maybe I am more stressed about school than I realized.

— My summer will be nice in the sense that I'll get a break from coursework, but insane in the sense that I'll be doubling down on research, plus traveling a ton (well, a ton for me. It won't really approach Cammy-level traveling). Visiting my best friend for a long weekend next month, my parents' house for 2ish weeks in late May (Papa Bear is turning the big 6-0!!!), conference in early June, wedding in late June, another conference in August, and another wedding in September. I may also TA another class, but it should be much easier than my current gig because (A) summer classes are shorter (8-10 weeks instead of 15), and (B) the class won't have a lab, so basically my only responsibilities will be to give a couple of lectures and probably do some grading. Easy peasy.

— The presidential race is scaring me. That is all.

— I'm reading Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon. I don't love it, especially not the way I loved his last book (The Noonday Demon). He is a beautiful writer, but the structure feels very repetitive. And, I don't know, it just isn't moving me the same way Demon did.

— My apartment is a huge mess, my garbage needs to go out, I haven't washed dishes in two days, and there are three loads of unfolded laundry waiting for me. HELP.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Breakups, Boundaries, and Biopsy Results

I didn't mean to do a sad post then pull a disappearing act, sorry. I'm here, yes I'm single again, no I'm not happy about it, but yes I will be okay.

And yes, he really did break up with me two days before Valentine's Day, and YES it really was as shitty as it sounds. But I'm better now. I needed about 24-48 hours to just cry and be devastated, and then, I don't know, I was still sad but life goes on.

I've never been broken up with before this. I always do the breaking up, and I usually procrastinate and drag it out because I feel guilty—not just about hurting someone, but about how I can't seem to fall for anyone who actually likes me back and would make a great partner. But this time, boy oh boy I had it bad. I was head over heels. I have never been so sure that I really liked someone and wanted to be with him. And thus I probably blocked out some of the red flags that might've indicated it was not as mutual as I wanted to believe. Lesson learned, I suppose. At least I now know that I'm not actually incapable of having feelings for someone. And at least now I understand what the fuss around heartbreak is all about.

School is going okay. Getting a PhD is hard. Things are much tougher for me than they were in the fall, mostly because I'm now in two really tough classes that consume a ton of brainpower and time. It's been a while since I've had a really hard class. On the other hand, TA'ing has gotten much easier. I've gotten a lot more comfortable in front of the students (ahem all 28 OF THEM), and have learned to protect my time better. At the beginning of the semester I was giving a lot of extra help and meetings outside of class and office hours, and now I am better at setting boundaries, making them come with specific questions, and try the assignments on their own before automatically scheduling a meeting with me. Yay for assertiveness!

Things with the advisor are going swell. HE GOT TENURE!!! THREE CHEERS! When I got the e-mail from the dean, I ran upstairs to J's office and was literally freaking out I was so happy for him....and when I asked if he was so excited about the news, he said—and this is a direct quote—"It feels like getting negative biopsy results. A big relief but no real day-to-day changes." I was like ugh man YOU ARE KILLING MY HIGH.

Anxiety spiked like crazy maybe 2-3 weeks ago. I went three full consecutive nights with NO sleep (as in, literally zero hours of sleep. It was insane. I was insane) and all rational thought went out the window. I also developed a nasty cold that has yet to fully go away, although it's improving. Anyway, I went back to the new psychiatrist, adjusted my meds, took Tylenol PM for a few nights, took a lot of deep breaths and did a lot of furious pedaling on the exercise bike, and now things seem to be basically back to normal.

So I am chugging along with school and research, mostly keeping my head, mostly sleeping again, and taking my Celexa everyday like the #COMPLIANT patient that I am and always have been.

Much love to all. I will try to be a better blogger.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Friday, January 22, 2016

One Down

Highlights of the first week of the semester:

- Taught my first class and it was a BIT of a disaster. Technical difficulties + 28 students + 1 very flustered TA (me). Luckily they were nice about it, and the professor and I figured out the issues after class so things should be good to go by next week.


- This dumb project I've been working on forever for my advisor is almost done. THANKS BE TO GOD.

- I've felt a slight uptick in anxiety this week, probably just early-semester jitters (which seems to happen every semester) but I'm still doing better than I did for most of last fall.

- Still on Celexa, still amazed by its effect on my anxiety. Still no weight gain or other scary side effects—just constant, grinding headaches. Some days I pop Tylenol around the clock. I'm going to bring it up at my next appointment with the psychiatrist in a few weeks; can't remember if this was an issue last time, but I'm assuming it'll improve with time.


- I might be getting BRACES. Well, invisible ones (either invisalign or generic type). I've always been pretty self-conscious about my teeth, and they shifted slightly more in the two years since I got my wisdom teeth out (not uncommon, apparently). Anyway, I had a consult with an orthodontist last week who said she could probably fix them right up in about a year-ish....which would be perfect, considering I'll lose my dental insurance in November.


And in television related news:

- I'm going to start watching Making a Murderer.

- HALLELUJAH THE BACHELOR IS HERE.


Happy Friday, everyone!

Monday, January 18, 2016

Conference Successes and Pre-Semester Thoughts

I got back from the conference last night. This trip has been on my calendar for several months, but as it approached I was getting more and more freaked out about the whole thing. I hate traveling—especially in winter (you guys remember my overnight airport fiasco last year?)—and I was nervous about my presentation, nervous about schmoozing with professors and having to be "on" all weekend, etc. etc. etc. But overall the weekend was a SUCCESS and I had way more fun than I expected.

Rocky start, though: my flight left at 5:20 a.m. on Thursday so my cab came at 4:00 (IT WAS AWFUL). I had tried to go to bed early the night before but couldn't sleep...probably got about 2 hours of shut-eye total, and was a complete wreck the whole day. My anxiety spiked to the worst it's been since I started taking Celexa a couple months ago. I was just freaking the fuck out about random stuff that had nothing to do with anything. Hard to say if it was the tiredness or just conference- and travel-related nerves, but I am becoming more and more aware that inadequate sleep is totally killer for my anxiety and overall mood stability.

I had a long layover in Big Southern City, and arrived at Conference City in early afternoon. After the initial freaking out the first day, I was basically okay. I jumped right in, going to a keynote speech and a couple other sessions that evening, then dinner out with a few people from my cohort. One of my best friends from my masters program was in from India, where she moved after graduation in May, so I got to spend lots of warm, fuzzy, friend time with her. We played hooky from the conference on Friday afternoon to explore the city and do some sightseeing, but totally wiped ourselves out and came back to my hotel to veg out and watch Dr. Phil. Lol. But I'm serious. That night there was a fancy schmancy reception where I drank a tad too much, ate a tad too little, and consequently felt a tad unsteady on my feet by the end. Luckily I rounded up some fellas who needed Fourth Meal to accompany me to get a burger at midnight. My presentation was Sunday morning, and it went well! I think. Felt very supported as several classmates from my cohort, as well as a few more senior students and even two professors came to hear me. Went straight from the conference venue to the airport where it promptly began to snow, sat on the runway for nearly an hour while they de-iced the plane, nearly missed my connection and had to SPRINT through Big Northern City Airport with all my bags in tow (and still wearing my fancy conference outfit), but luckily made it and was back in my apartment by dinnertime.

Today was spent unpacking, cleaning, organizing all my receipts from the weekend to submit for reimbursement (I LOVE WHEN THE SCHOOL PAYS FOR SHIT), and in the afternoon I went to see 13 Hours with The Guy <3. Now I'm home, fussing about what to eat for dinner, scratching my head over why I didn't start any of the reading due for my 9 a.m. class tomorrow, and slightly freaking out about my first TA position tomorrow afternoon. It's hard to believe the spring semester is starting up again already, and it might be somewhat of a doozy for me. Four classes, two seminars, two research assistantships, and one teaching assistantship. And I think I might be underestimating the time demands of the TA-ship. The students (and there are 25 of them....) will have lab homeworks every week that I have to grade, as well as final projects and a final exam. At least I don't actually have to take the class, I suppose.

So, the goal for this semester is to stay on top of school stuff and not lose my mind like I did last fall. Obviously I am in a better position than I was in August, what with being acclimated to the program and being on medication, but I still worry that the sleep and the anxiety will become problems again. I'll see how the first few weeks go, and check back in with the psychiatrist next month.

Happy MLK Day everyone, much love to you all.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Anxiety Assessment

I had my follow-up appointment with the new psychiatrist last week. My first appointment with her was about a month ago, when she put me on Celexa again and added Klonopin for sleep. Anxiety has been MUCH improved since starting the medication, thank goodness. Haven't had any of those horrible panicky episodes (I wouldn't really call them full-blown panic attacks, but close) in weeks—and in October/November they were happening at least once or twice a day. I no longer have that constant nervous feeling in my gut, I'm no longer perpetually nauseated with dread, and I no longer burst into tears ten times a day because I'm so freaking AFRAID of...what? I don't even remember.

So that's all good. Dr. C, the new psychiatrist, had a resident working with her on the day of my appointment....and while I like Dr. C, I did not particularly appreciate being blindsided by that. Ugh I understand that new doctors need training and experience etc., and I understand there is a shortage of psychiatrists, and I'm very grateful that this person was going into the field....but I really dislike having to talk about things that are already hard to talk about TWICE within the space of twenty minutes. Dr. C came and got me from the waiting room, then as we were heading back to the office she asked if I minded meeting with the resident first. Given that we were basically standing outside the resident's office, it didn't feel like I could say no. So I said yes, spoke with the resident for ten minutes, resident went to report back to Dr. C, then I got called into Dr. C's office where I repeated everything I just said (and, presumably, that the resident had just repeated). As I said, UGH. Anyway, it wasn't the end of the world; just irritating. I told them how I was definitely doing better anxiety-wise than I had been, which was probably partly Celexa and partly just circumstance (end of semester, holidays, getting to spend stress-free time at home with Mama and Papa Bear). And I told her about how I had only used the Klonopin once or twice for sleep, and it seemed to work but I was nervous about taking it more often.

Upon some probing Dr. C got me to admit that yes, I do still get somewhat anxious and am anticipating an uptick with the start of the semester (the spring will be far crazier than the fall was). So she urged me to up the dose from 20 to 40mg, at which I of course balked because...I don't know why, just because. Weight gain. Other vague unknowable potential side effects. Not liking drugs. Weight gain. I DON'T KNOW. She assured me over and over again that Celexa does NOT cause weight gain, that there are plenty of psych meds that do cause weight gain but Celexa isn't one of them. Trying hard to trust her on that. (And maybe I really should because this morning, I worked up the courage to step on the scale and check my weight for the first time in a few months.... and whaddya know, I'm down about five pounds. Body, you are a never ending source of mystery and intrigue.)

ANYWAY, after some back and forth, Dr. C and I compromised on the dose—I'll go up to 30mg for a few weeks, then check back in once the semester has gotten going and we'll reassess from there. I feel okay with that for now, mostly because I feel much more okay about life in general, and am yet again blown away by the magical powers of medication. Argh yes fine you can all point and yell I TOLDJA SO. FINE.

I leave town for a conference tomorrow and am pretty impressed with how not stressed I am about it. This will be the first real conference for which I've had to actually travel, present a paper, schmooze with important people, etc. and so far I'm taking it in stride. But never fear: Klonopin has already been packed.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Seeking Advice on Dating As A Crazy Person

In case it wasn't obvious from my last few updates, I am totally smitten with this new guy. He is smart and interesting and sweet, he plays the piano, he can solve a Rubix Cube in sixty seconds flat, he's a great kisser, and he seems to think I'm not repulsive.

But sooner or later he's gotta learn that I'm insane, and I don't know when is the right time to fill him in. Or to what extent he needs to be filled in, you know? There's the anorexia, of course, but I'm not really anorexic anymore. I could probably "pass" as a normal picky-ish eater at this point. There's the anxiety, but that's relatively under control at the moment. So, do I need to tell him I take medication? That less than a month ago I would curl up on my bedroom floor every night sobbing uncontrollably because I was so afraid of...something? That every few months I am swallowed up by the most horrible waves of depression? That two-and-a-half years ago I overdosed on painkillers? That sometimes I hate myself so much I can't imagine letting anyone touch me or even come near me?

I don't know if this is an official "talk" that needs to happen, and whether it needs to happen before we have the talk about "us." Or is it something that's okay to keep to myself until we know each other better and get more comfortable sharing the deep, dark, icky stuff?

Now that I'm in it with this guy, I feel more—not less—insecure. I keep waiting for him to text me saying he changed his mind. I keep remembering how I broke up with the last guy I dated (with a phone call two days after we'd last hung out) and I can't imagine how horrible that must've made him feel, and almost can't believe I would be so hurtful. And suddenly I'm terrified of that happening to me.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Partial Recap

Wowza I didn't realize it had been almost a month since my last post. I never intended to drop off the map; blogging was just starting to feel like a chore, never felt like I had much to say, and once I got out of the habit... you know. So anyway, definitely can't recap every detail of the last month but I'll try to hit some of the main points.

I've been back on Celexa (20mg) for about 8ish weeks now and my oh my does this stuff work. One day I was a shivery, manic, irrational BASKET CASE and within two weeks of starting the med, I was basically back to my old (slightly less irrational) self. Ugh, it actually frustrates me how much it works, because I was half-hoping to have an excuse to stop taking it. I'm still nervous about the med causing weight gain, but for the time being I'm not willing to go back to being an anxious wreck. My new psychiatrist had also prescribed Klonopin at night to help regulate my sleep, but I was nervous about getting dependent on it so I rarely take it. My sleep was horrible for most of the fall, except for a week my mom came to stay with me in October, the week I went home for Thanksgiving, and the two weeks I went home for Christmas. So apparently I need my mother in the house to be able to sleep. Am I three? I told my mom this as further evidence that I need a dog to keep me company and she was like "Or you need a significant other and move in together." Uh....when your mother would prefer you shack up with a dude than get a pet.... #weird

Anyway. When I had finished up my semester, I flew to East Coast City (a few hours from where my parents live) to spend a couple days with a friend from high school, then we drove back to our parents' hometown where I spent the next two weeks hanging out with my parents, cooking with Mama Bear, annoying my brother, reading 5,234,945,765,789 books (seriously between my Kindle  and Barnes & Noble I probably spent $100 on books #priorities). Got back to College City just before New Years and have since been spending lots of time with The Boy...

So yeah, things are getting a little more serious, you could say :). For a few months we were just talking, getting to know each other, going out for coffees and drinks and dinners, both being kind of shy about how to move forward, and THEN we both got our brave on and...yeah. I've spent more nights with him than alone over the past week, and have been walking around in this weird floaty happy haze. I alternate between being ridiculously happy and horribly panicked that he will discover I am actually a fucking NUT, and I am torn between wanting to jump in headfirst and hold back to protect myself. Just in case.

All this has got my head in a weird place, obviously. Plus I'm stressed about all the work I need to get done before the semester starts. I'm going out of town next week for a conference, then classes start the day after I get back. Already missing winter break.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and that 2016 is off to a great start! Love to you all.