In case it wasn't obvious from my last few updates, I am totally smitten with this new guy. He is smart and interesting and sweet, he plays the piano, he can solve a Rubix Cube in sixty seconds flat, he's a great kisser, and he seems to think I'm not repulsive.
But sooner or later he's gotta learn that I'm insane, and I don't know when is the right time to fill him in. Or to what extent he needs to be filled in, you know? There's the anorexia, of course, but I'm not really anorexic anymore. I could probably "pass" as a normal picky-ish eater at this point. There's the anxiety, but that's relatively under control at the moment. So, do I need to tell him I take medication? That less than a month ago I would curl up on my bedroom floor every night sobbing uncontrollably because I was so afraid of...something? That every few months I am swallowed up by the most horrible waves of depression? That two-and-a-half years ago I overdosed on painkillers? That sometimes I hate myself so much I can't imagine letting anyone touch me or even come near me?
I don't know if this is an official "talk" that needs to happen, and whether it needs to happen before we have the talk about "us." Or is it something that's okay to keep to myself until we know each other better and get more comfortable sharing the deep, dark, icky stuff?
Now that I'm in it with this guy, I feel more—not less—insecure. I keep waiting for him to text me saying he changed his mind. I keep remembering how I broke up with the last guy I dated (with a phone call two days after we'd last hung out) and I can't imagine how horrible that must've made him feel, and almost can't believe I would be so hurtful. And suddenly I'm terrified of that happening to me.
I have so many thoughts but am in transit/on my phone. It's doable, feeling more insecure when you have something on the line you care about makes sense, and people are less judgey than you might expect (but hey your med is generic right? No shame in keeping it in a vitamin bottle... My wellbutrin comes w its name emblazoned on every pill oy)
ReplyDeletehaha thanks that's genius, my meds are totally innocuous-looking pink pills...
DeleteI'm no authority on dating, so I'm going to refrain from giving advice! But I will provide some thoughts/feedback. First, you're not crazy! :) And I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself and what he might think of your past and current mental health issues (which are not unique!). I don't think you need to rush into giving him all your details or anything but see if things come up naturally. Don't keep secrets but don't go crazy about spilling the beans in case he is one of those "scared easily" types. Don't feel ashamed about what you've been through or that you take medication! It's nothing to be ashamed about. :)
ReplyDeletethanks E, that is sort what I'm thinking feels most natural...just go with it, and have the conversation when the time comes. I guess I worry about not being honest about my crazy upfront so that he feels blindsided or something
DeleteI'm glad things are going so well with him! My thought would be to ease him into it, like mentioning some anxiety or depression a bit at first and see how he reacts. Little bits at a time might feel safer than one big session of telling him everything. You can tell him as much and as little as you like, don't forget that. Also, you're awesome, smart, beautiful, and very kind. I have a feeling he likes you for those reasons, regardless of your mental health. I always thought that the stuff I hid from people would make them push me away if they knew, particularly in a relationship. Turns out, it makes people want to pull you closer (unless that person is a jackass, and then you don't need that shit anyway). But he sounds like a great guy, and you're really a catch, and I hope he knows that.
ReplyDeletethank you for the kind words and awesome advice. I want to blow up this comment and frame it above my bed :)
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