In case it wasn't obvious from my last few updates, I am totally smitten with this new guy. He is smart and interesting and sweet, he plays the piano, he can solve a Rubix Cube in sixty seconds flat, he's a great kisser, and he seems to think I'm not repulsive.
But sooner or later he's gotta learn that I'm insane, and I don't know when is the right time to fill him in. Or to what extent he needs to be filled in, you know? There's the anorexia, of course, but I'm not really anorexic anymore. I could probably "pass" as a normal picky-ish eater at this point. There's the anxiety, but that's relatively under control at the moment. So, do I need to tell him I take medication? That less than a month ago I would curl up on my bedroom floor every night sobbing uncontrollably because I was so afraid of...something? That every few months I am swallowed up by the most horrible waves of depression? That two-and-a-half years ago I overdosed on painkillers? That sometimes I hate myself so much I can't imagine letting anyone touch me or even come near me?
I don't know if this is an official "talk" that needs to happen, and whether it needs to happen before we have the talk about "us." Or is it something that's okay to keep to myself until we know each other better and get more comfortable sharing the deep, dark, icky stuff?
Now that I'm in it with this guy, I feel more—not less—insecure. I keep waiting for him to text me saying he changed his mind. I keep remembering how I broke up with the last guy I dated (with a phone call two days after we'd last hung out) and I can't imagine how horrible that must've made him feel, and almost can't believe I would be so hurtful. And suddenly I'm terrified of that happening to me.