Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Breakups, Boundaries, and Biopsy Results

I didn't mean to do a sad post then pull a disappearing act, sorry. I'm here, yes I'm single again, no I'm not happy about it, but yes I will be okay.

And yes, he really did break up with me two days before Valentine's Day, and YES it really was as shitty as it sounds. But I'm better now. I needed about 24-48 hours to just cry and be devastated, and then, I don't know, I was still sad but life goes on.

I've never been broken up with before this. I always do the breaking up, and I usually procrastinate and drag it out because I feel guilty—not just about hurting someone, but about how I can't seem to fall for anyone who actually likes me back and would make a great partner. But this time, boy oh boy I had it bad. I was head over heels. I have never been so sure that I really liked someone and wanted to be with him. And thus I probably blocked out some of the red flags that might've indicated it was not as mutual as I wanted to believe. Lesson learned, I suppose. At least I now know that I'm not actually incapable of having feelings for someone. And at least now I understand what the fuss around heartbreak is all about.

School is going okay. Getting a PhD is hard. Things are much tougher for me than they were in the fall, mostly because I'm now in two really tough classes that consume a ton of brainpower and time. It's been a while since I've had a really hard class. On the other hand, TA'ing has gotten much easier. I've gotten a lot more comfortable in front of the students (ahem all 28 OF THEM), and have learned to protect my time better. At the beginning of the semester I was giving a lot of extra help and meetings outside of class and office hours, and now I am better at setting boundaries, making them come with specific questions, and try the assignments on their own before automatically scheduling a meeting with me. Yay for assertiveness!

Things with the advisor are going swell. HE GOT TENURE!!! THREE CHEERS! When I got the e-mail from the dean, I ran upstairs to J's office and was literally freaking out I was so happy for him....and when I asked if he was so excited about the news, he said—and this is a direct quote—"It feels like getting negative biopsy results. A big relief but no real day-to-day changes." I was like ugh man YOU ARE KILLING MY HIGH.

Anxiety spiked like crazy maybe 2-3 weeks ago. I went three full consecutive nights with NO sleep (as in, literally zero hours of sleep. It was insane. I was insane) and all rational thought went out the window. I also developed a nasty cold that has yet to fully go away, although it's improving. Anyway, I went back to the new psychiatrist, adjusted my meds, took Tylenol PM for a few nights, took a lot of deep breaths and did a lot of furious pedaling on the exercise bike, and now things seem to be basically back to normal.

So I am chugging along with school and research, mostly keeping my head, mostly sleeping again, and taking my Celexa everyday like the #COMPLIANT patient that I am and always have been.

Much love to all. I will try to be a better blogger.