Sunday, April 17, 2016

Updates in Bullets

I don't know why it feels so hard to blog these days, but I want to write something. So, the bulleted version:

— Almost done with my first year of the PhD. They all say the first year is the hardest, just with adjusting to the program and being in classes and encountering an enormous learning curve with almost everything you are expected to do. So far that feels about right. I'm doing fine in my classes, but yikes I am snowed under with work all.the.time. Also, MEETINGS. It feels like I am constantly running to meetings, sitting in meetings, scheduling meetings, trying to decipher my notes from meetings, scratching my head on how it feels like I spend more time in meetings than actually doing work.

— Anxiety is kicking my ass. Again. It scares me because I've been on Celexa now for about 4-5 months, and actually recently doubled my dose (I'm at 40 mg). But the last couple of weeks, my anxiety has felt almost as bad as it was back in the fall before I started medication at all. How is that even possible?? I've taken Klonopin several times during the day over the past couple weeks, which I previously had almost NEVER done, and it helps a little but obviously is not a sustainable solution. Maybe I am more stressed about school than I realized.

— My summer will be nice in the sense that I'll get a break from coursework, but insane in the sense that I'll be doubling down on research, plus traveling a ton (well, a ton for me. It won't really approach Cammy-level traveling). Visiting my best friend for a long weekend next month, my parents' house for 2ish weeks in late May (Papa Bear is turning the big 6-0!!!), conference in early June, wedding in late June, another conference in August, and another wedding in September. I may also TA another class, but it should be much easier than my current gig because (A) summer classes are shorter (8-10 weeks instead of 15), and (B) the class won't have a lab, so basically my only responsibilities will be to give a couple of lectures and probably do some grading. Easy peasy.

— The presidential race is scaring me. That is all.

— I'm reading Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon. I don't love it, especially not the way I loved his last book (The Noonday Demon). He is a beautiful writer, but the structure feels very repetitive. And, I don't know, it just isn't moving me the same way Demon did.

— My apartment is a huge mess, my garbage needs to go out, I haven't washed dishes in two days, and there are three loads of unfolded laundry waiting for me. HELP.


  1. Hey! Glad you blogged. BTW, I just shut my blog down. (Just in case you try to check it out, that's what's up with that.)

    Celexa is a good drug. I have been successful on it, especially depression-wise. I'm on 40. It has made a huge difference. But when I went out on my trip to CA last week, my anxiety spiked and I am now on day 12 of a severe IBS flare-up. I mean, Celexa can only do so much, you know? I think I understand why it happened. Sometimes we just internalize stuff that we don't even know we're internalizing! And then suddenly you're shocked that you're so anxious. Or you're so anxious that you make yourself physically ill. Anxiety's a meanie.

    Your summer sounds good! Enjoy!

    1. I did try to check your blog! glad to hear you are still alive and kicking ;) Yeah I am actually going to be switching to Prozac - Celexa was just not cutting it for me anymore. I was having to take klonopin pretty much every day just to get by, which is NOT sustainable or smart solution. So, this week I'm tapering and by next week I'll be on 20 mg prozac. Fingers crossed this one does the trick!

  2. Good luck with the Prozac! I hope that's the one for you. :)