My consult with New Therapist Candidate is looming, and I've been trying to pin down which of my Issues need the most attention. There's no possible way I can fit my whole psychological/medical/personal history into fifty minutes, and I'm planning to pare everything down to the bare essentials for this first session. But that, of course, is way easier said than done.
The eye, pain, and depression have dominated my thoughts for the past six months or so, and I'm tempted to go into the consultation focusing on just those. But of course, the eating disorder was the whole reason I started therapy, and the eating disorder is what led to all the other problems in the first place.
I haven't been writing about ED stuff as much lately because things are pretty much status quo—eating a relatively reasonable amount, maintaining my weight, not obsessing too much. BUT now I wonder if maybe that's not good enough anymore. Maybe the only reason I'm feeling less rigid and more chill about food is because I'm not really challenging myself much. Although no one would look at my diet right now and say OMG GIRL'Z ANOREXIC, my intake is not exactly liberal, and I eat very nearly the exact same thing every day. And certainly no one would look at my body and say GIRL EAT A SANDWICH, but I am still hovering right around the bare minimum healthy weight as set by my last two treatment teams.
I think the Chub Drug may have lulled me into a semi-false sense of security, as I gained XX pounds on it without changing my intake AT ALL from what is was before, when I was maintaining that lower (objectively underweight) number. So it seems like I should be super healthy right now, judging my weight alone, but the truth is that without the drug boost, my weight would probably still be too low.
The whole reason I committed myself to recovery this time around was to deal with the mounting health issues that seemed totally inexplicable except for the fact that I was under-eating and underweight. I'm certainly eating better now compared with last spring, when things were pretty much at their worst, but even I can see that my eating is not completely normal. I don't want to stall out just when I was starting to make real progress, you know?
So...I'm not going to officially commit just yet, but I am seriously contemplating another calorie increase, even knowing that it will probably mess with my head and kick the anorexic mindset back into full gear. I can't let myself forget that the eating disorder set this whole train wreck in motion, and I can't let up until the eating disorder is history.