I'm going a little stir-crazy at the moment—can't do anything on my thesis until after I meet with my adviser tomorrow evening, and I don't have much other schoolwork (other than reading a boring book and studying for an exam the week after next...neither of which I feel like doing). And before you suggest cleaning, I've already scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom, finished two loads of laundry (that includes folding!), and showered. So my house is clean, my clothes are clean, and my bod is clean. WHAT NOW?
And maybe because of this stir-craziness, I'm getting all pensive and thinking about stuff—like, how I'm feeling reallyreallyreally insecure. Not just about my weight, although that's certainly part of it. I'm just kind of feeling generally inadequate and unsure of myself, like I don't know where I fit and what I'm supposed to be doing.
ED stuff is the obvious place to start—like I've said a million times, I'm eating well and my weight is healthy, but the old worries are nagging at me. Like I mentioned yesterday, the numbers on the scale seem to be creeping up ever-so-slowly and I don't know whether it's for real, or whether I'm being a paranoid anorexic, or whether I have yet another new crazy rare medical condition (just kidding...) So as a result, I don't know whether I need to eat less, eat more, eat differently, lift less, lift more, run farther, run faster, run less...I.don't.know.
In other ways, this seems silly because of course I know what I should be doing: I'm in school. I'm a student. I'm writing an honors thesis. I've been very successful. But after that, what? If I don't get into graduate school, I have no backup plan. I have no idea what my chances are, but I'm stressing about it. A lot. It doesn't help that my roommate has already been accepted by a couple of places (different timeline, and different programs so there's no competitiveness or anything between us there) and she is now in the process of weighing the pros and cons of different schools/cities rather than worrying about getting in at all. So I'm left feeling very unsure of my abilities, my future, and my worth.
I've isolated myself a lot over the last year. It wasn't really avoidable, what with being hurt and sick and depressed all the time, but now I'm feeling lonely and have this sense that it's all my own fault. I mean, I certainly have friends—but it just doesn't feel the same as it used to. I used to have a definite crew that I stuck with, but not so much anymore. I tend to see friends one-on-one, or in small groups, stuff like that. Maybe I've just grown up, outgrown some of them, moved on to a different place in my life/socializing tendencies/maturity...I don't know.
Okay, this is starting to feel like a pointless post. Not sure what exactly is getting me down right now, but I just wish things were less up in the air. I wish my weight were stable...or at least that I were convinced it were stable. I wish I had an idea of where I'll be living six months or a year from now. I wish I were feeling less lonely and more vibrant. More settled.
Not to minimize anything you're feeling now, but I bet there's not a senior out there who isn't feeling like [or at least, felt like you until a week or so ago when they got into school/got a job]. It's scary! College is, for all its difficulties, a sort of prepackaged life. Insta-friends. People travel in large groups post-orientation freshmen year and tend to disperse into educational/recreational based groups later on. You're not the same person at 18 as you are at 22-ish, and you shouldn't be-- so it makes sense that you're not seeing whole gaggles of people at once anymore.
ReplyDeleteRe: confidence, oy. I have at least matured to a point where my pathological self doubt doesn't [usually] directly impede my success. That is progress. The rest of the world thinks I'm really confident. I wonder how much of this stuff is residual ED-think. You have to have a pretty low view of yourself to justify all the shit having an ED does.
One of the things that's been hammered into my head [and still falls out, sometimes] is that worth is inherent. It's not something you earn. It's a static, innate thing. You have worth. And you have a world of opportunities that you may or may not enjoy-- but what you make of these opportunities does not define your worth. As a grad student, you'd be well served to keep that in mind [may or may not be a post it somewhere around here...] because when experiments don't work/grants aren't funded etc despite more work than you've ever put into anything, it's hard to not feel worthless.
If you haven't heard this before-- look up imposter syndrome. Sometimes I find tremendous relief just knowing that a lot of other people are feeling the same way I do, so even if it sucks it's normal, I'm not a freak, etc.
Holy rambling comment-- and thanks for the credibility compliment!
wow—I needed to read this. What you said about worth being inherent I think is one of the most beautiful and articulate things I've read in a while. Thanks very much, means a lot.
DeleteThe waiting game and transition time out of college are so difficult--it's really a very tough time. It's really good that you're sharing that and being honest about it; there's really something to be said for getting this stuff out of one's own head. I'm a firm believer that things work out the way they are supposed to, and I have no doubt whatsoever that there are really amazing things in store for you.
ReplyDeleteThe loneliness and self-doubt are also really difficult to deal with on top of the waiting game about the future. As much as it is tough to remember, there are so many wonderful things about you that others see that you might not, which have nothing to do with the external stuff. You're sweet, intelligent, caring, funny, and such an interesting person to get to know. These are the things that make up the Kaylee that you are. I do hope things get better for you, and that you can get through this transition period and onto all the wonderful things in store for you.
Do take care! And reach out anytime!
I think I need to remind myself that I was feeling a lot of these same things as a senior in high school, so the circumstances are definitely playing into my mindset right now. Thanks Alie, you are super sweet.
Delete