I'm going a little stir-crazy at the moment—can't do anything on my thesis until after I meet with my adviser tomorrow evening, and I don't have much other schoolwork (other than reading a boring book and studying for an exam the week after next...neither of which I feel like doing). And before you suggest cleaning, I've already scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom, finished two loads of laundry (that includes folding!), and showered. So my house is clean, my clothes are clean, and my bod is clean. WHAT NOW?
And maybe because of this stir-craziness, I'm getting all pensive and thinking about stuff—like, how I'm feeling reallyreallyreally insecure. Not just about my weight, although that's certainly part of it. I'm just kind of feeling generally inadequate and unsure of myself, like I don't know where I fit and what I'm supposed to be doing.
ED stuff is the obvious place to start—like I've said a million times, I'm eating well and my weight is healthy, but the old worries are nagging at me. Like I mentioned yesterday, the numbers on the scale seem to be creeping up ever-so-slowly and I don't know whether it's for real, or whether I'm being a paranoid anorexic, or whether I have yet another new crazy rare medical condition (just kidding...) So as a result, I don't know whether I need to eat less, eat more, eat differently, lift less, lift more, run farther, run faster, run less...I.don't.know.
In other ways, this seems silly because of course I know what I should be doing: I'm in school. I'm a student. I'm writing an honors thesis. I've been very successful. But after that, what? If I don't get into graduate school, I have no backup plan. I have no idea what my chances are, but I'm stressing about it. A lot. It doesn't help that my roommate has already been accepted by a couple of places (different timeline, and different programs so there's no competitiveness or anything between us there) and she is now in the process of weighing the pros and cons of different schools/cities rather than worrying about getting in at all. So I'm left feeling very unsure of my abilities, my future, and my worth.
I've isolated myself a lot over the last year. It wasn't really avoidable, what with being hurt and sick and depressed all the time, but now I'm feeling lonely and have this sense that it's all my own fault. I mean, I certainly have friends—but it just doesn't feel the same as it used to. I used to have a definite crew that I stuck with, but not so much anymore. I tend to see friends one-on-one, or in small groups, stuff like that. Maybe I've just grown up, outgrown some of them, moved on to a different place in my life/socializing tendencies/maturity...I don't know.
Okay, this is starting to feel like a pointless post. Not sure what exactly is getting me down right now, but I just wish things were less up in the air. I wish my weight were stable...or at least that I were convinced it were stable. I wish I had an idea of where I'll be living six months or a year from now. I wish I were feeling less lonely and more vibrant. More settled.