Feeling much less emotional today. I don't know what (aside from PMS) made all those fears and insecurities come to a head for me over the weekend, but thankfully I'm getting through it. My weight and body image are still majorly stressing me out, but I'm feeling a little less panicky and desperate about it. Plus I finally got my period (about a week late), which put my mind at ease as well. I knew it was coming from the cramps, headaches, bloating, general ickiness feelings, but I don't think I've ever gotten such abrupt hormonal mood swings before.
Something that occurred to me over the past week or so is this: I'm not numb anymore. For once, I was having strong, painful, complicated reactions to stuff other than ED obsessions and my health. I was having feelings about real life—about my future and my friends and my own character. Can't tell you how long it's been since I felt anything like that; for so long, I've been wishing that I could trade in the physical pain for a normal set of emotional problems, and hey! It still sucked, but it felt like a small victory. Like, yes, I can be a normal person and worry about normal things. Almost like I was coming back to life. And although it hurt and made me feel pretty shitty, at least I wasn't stuck on the robotic ED thoughts and anxieties, you know? I was having real emotions.
I have therapy with Dr. P tomorrow, and I am actually looking forward to bringing all this stuff up with her....e.g. how to have adult emotions, haha. It has certainly been a while since I went into therapy with a clearly articulated concern, and with clear motivation to address it.
Another possibility I'm considering is getting a referral to a dietician. The calories/weight gain/exercise stuff is making me crazy right now, and I really want to go about this the right way. Of course I've probably read every article out there about how to gain/lose weight, I know all the formulas, I've plugged my numbers into all the online calculators, but I still feel like I have zero concept of how to eat. I could always go back to J, the dietician at College City ED Clinic, but I kind of want some distance from them right now.
So for now I'm sticking to my usual diet, staying off the scale, and focusing on real life.