Feeling much less emotional today. I don't know what (aside from PMS) made all those fears and insecurities come to a head for me over the weekend, but thankfully I'm getting through it. My weight and body image are still majorly stressing me out, but I'm feeling a little less panicky and desperate about it. Plus I finally got my period (about a week late), which put my mind at ease as well. I knew it was coming from the cramps, headaches, bloating, general ickiness feelings, but I don't think I've ever gotten such abrupt hormonal mood swings before.
Something that occurred to me over the past week or so is this: I'm not numb anymore. For once, I was having strong, painful, complicated reactions to stuff other than ED obsessions and my health. I was having feelings about real life—about my future and my friends and my own character. Can't tell you how long it's been since I felt anything like that; for so long, I've been wishing that I could trade in the physical pain for a normal set of emotional problems, and hey! It still sucked, but it felt like a small victory. Like, yes, I can be a normal person and worry about normal things. Almost like I was coming back to life. And although it hurt and made me feel pretty shitty, at least I wasn't stuck on the robotic ED thoughts and anxieties, you know? I was having real emotions.
I have therapy with Dr. P tomorrow, and I am actually looking forward to bringing all this stuff up with her....e.g. how to have adult emotions, haha. It has certainly been a while since I went into therapy with a clearly articulated concern, and with clear motivation to address it.
Another possibility I'm considering is getting a referral to a dietician. The calories/weight gain/exercise stuff is making me crazy right now, and I really want to go about this the right way. Of course I've probably read every article out there about how to gain/lose weight, I know all the formulas, I've plugged my numbers into all the online calculators, but I still feel like I have zero concept of how to eat. I could always go back to J, the dietician at College City ED Clinic, but I kind of want some distance from them right now.
So for now I'm sticking to my usual diet, staying off the scale, and focusing on real life.
Glad you're feeling better, and congrats on the period! It's a major victory that you're feeling the feelings. Good, bad, or otherwise, really feeling things is so important. I definitely remember that "aha" moment when I had been sober for a bit. Some of the feelings were great, some sucked, but at least I was starting to feel human again. It made me realize there was so much of my life that I wanted to fully participate in, not just numb away.
ReplyDeleteI'm really proud of you for recognizing that it's a good and healthy thing to happen and that it's fueling some guided prep for therapy. I'm so thrilled for you!
Side-note: sounds like seeing a dietish would be a really good and helpful thing right now. Maybe getting a fresh perspective from someone new will also help keep you on this great forward trajectory you've been on. Good luck to you!