Well, this unexpected exercise challenge is proving to be much harder than I thought. It has been three days (actually eighty hours, but who's counting? Oh, just me) since I've gone to the gym and I'm getting a wee bit fed up. I guess I had told myself that I was okay with taking a few days off and seeing what happened, but only as long as my foot miraculously cured itself and I could get back on the treadmill in a timely fashion.
Unfortunately, things have not unfolded according to plan and, as per usual, I'm freaking out. My foot is NOT getting better, despite that fact that I've been a good girl and stayed off my feet pretty much all weekend, other than Saturday night. Literally, I spent all of Saturday and Sunday sitting with my foot up, icing off and on while I worked on homework.
I thought my heel was better - the swelling on my Achilles tendon had gone down and the pain had lessened. I skipped the gym again this morning, but just walking around campus this morning made it start hurting again. ARGH.
So I limped back home, stuck my foot on a bag of frozen peas, ate lunch begrudgingly, and now I'm sitting here trying to decide how a normal person who wasn't terrified about gaining weight would react.
I'm also frustrated with the amount of injuries and health issues I've had in the past year, despite making a real effort to take care of myself. My nutrition was fantastic (according to my standards, and probably most others' standards too) from about January through June or July, when it definitely began to suffer a bit, but still not horribly. I still eat very well considering the intensity of my body hatred and urges to restrict. Compared to last summer and fall (2010), my intake is vastly superior. In the past six months alone, though, I've had: hip, back, and knee injuries, major nutrition/body fat-related eye issues, horribly dry skin, and sporadic heart palpitations.
I have a weird, contradictory pattern of simultaneously overreacting to and downplaying physical problems - meaning, I always assume the worst (e.g. thinking my Achilles tendon is torn, I'll never walk again, I'm a cripple for life, etc.) but I never believe it's serious enough to warrant changing my behavior (e.g. continuing to exercise on an injured leg, not going to a doctor, cutting food when I should be maximizing nutrition to heal faster). Not smart.
But still, every day, it seems like I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water and not dip into any truly scarily unhealthy anorexic behaviors. My head is actually in a better place now than it was earlier this semester. So why does my body suddenly feel like it's falling apart?
This has devolved into a whine-fest, sorry! I'll wrap it up. This post probably sounds insanely irrational and anorexic. The forced break in exercise is messing with my head.
Just please, body, get better. I'll treat you right, I promise.