We've been dating for a few weeks now. (FINE I guess he gets a letter. From now on, boy shall be known as S.) He has taken me to several nice restaurants, bought me fancy chocolates and candy for my birthday, invited me to his fraternity formal, and generally behaved like a perfect gentlemen at every turn.
So...WHY am I so conflicted? Part of it is just me - I suck at relationships. The very thought of being in a relationship freaks me the hell out. I have this fear of losing my me time, which is generally spent on food/running/schoolwork-related shenanigans. I'm not spontaneous, I hate being the center of attention, and food-centric activities make me crazy - so, not exactly conducive to forming healthy romantic relationships.
Also, the friendship-to-dating transition is tricky. Since I've known S for a couple of years now, we've sort of skipped over the "getting to know each other" phase. This has created an awkward dilemma for me; namely, how much do I reveal about the anorexia? He knows a little bit, but I've implied that it isn't really an issue anymore. The more time we spend together (read: the more meals we eat together), the more it feels like I'm lying to him.
There's another sort of secret issue that I'm not sure how to articulate. It's going to sound crazy selfish and cold, but here goes. Basically, the eating disorder still takes up a HUGE portion of my brain, and there's not a whole lot of extra space in there. The calorie-counting, fat-phobic obsessions are always there, always nagging at me, and I don't know how much energy I have left for a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water as is, and I can't imagine adding another person's feelings into the mix. I can't promise that I would be able to put the relationship above my disordered regimen, and I can't promise that I'd want to.
I like S a lot and, commitment issues aside, I can see myself being with him longer-term. But if it came down to him versus the eating disorder, I'm not sure which one would win.