I keep finding myself writing that things are "weird" or I feel "off" or "not right." I'm not doing great, but I can't decide if it's depression or anxiety or a combination or just a strange stress response that needs some time to work itself out. Right now it's mostly manifested as worrying about my weight; I'm so stressed out and frustrated and confused about it, I don't know what to do. Dr. P has been begging me to make at appointment at my campus health center for months to get bloodwork done, which I finally did the other day. Results came back yesterday morning: normal, normal, normal. The only exceptions were: elevated AST (liver enzyme), which for some reason is ALWAYS high, no idea why and no one'e ever been concerned about it, and a slightly low free T4 (e.g. right on the bottom number of the reference range). The doctor's only suggestion for my tiredness and constant hungriness was to do a sleep study. Um, no. Dr. P wanted me to push for a referral to an endocrinologist, but I chickened out.
Sometimes I dip into a deep valley of depression—like two nights ago, when the fear and anxiety and despair over my weight left me sobbing so hard I couldn't fall asleep for hours. And sometimes I settle into a place of okay-ness, like "this is what my body needs, things will normalize," etc etc etc; at those moments, my earlier meltdowns seem ridiculous. But most of the time, I'm stuck in this weird limbo phase that's hard to describe. I'm not full-on panicking or falling apart, but I'm not great either. If I let myself think about my weight too much I'll start to cry.
The only explanation I can think of is that my body is still, after over two years of eating a more normal amount of calories (though never a "weight gain" amount), regulating itself. My weight had started to settle in the summer/fall of 2013, but then the period of excessive running that winter/spring seemed to trigger another few pounds. I don't really know if that's the case, but it's the only explanation that really makes sense in my head. I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure out how to unify all the conflicting things I've heard and read and experienced. Sometimes I freak out that exercise will make me gain weight, and other times I freak out that I'm not exercising enough. Sometimes I think I'm eating too much, or too littler, or too many carbs, or not enough protein, or too few vegetables, or too much salt, or not enough water....and on and on and on.
Clearly there's nothing glaringly wrong, since my bloodwork is consistently normal. We've ruled out all the big scary stuff, which is good. That means there's nothing incurable. Right? I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have a thyroid disorder, and I don't have cancer. In the moments when I'm being rational and mature and thoughtful about this, I remember that I was underweight for a long long time and my body didn't know which way is up. That my body has survived anorexia, hormone deficiencies, chronic pain, and the eye saga. My body is traumatized. I am only 24. In the grand scheme of things, this has been a blip. A major, life-altering, incredibly difficult blip, but a blip all the same.
So the best things I can do are:
1) Eat healthfully
2) Exercise moderately
3) Don't obsess.
All easier said than done, right? Not promising it will happen. But I'm going to try. And this is all I have to go on.