Something Isn't Right

The grouchiness has subsided a tad. I was feeling really down and sad this weekend....I had no plans Saturday night, but decided that was a recipe for even more sadness and loneliness, so I had a few girlfriends over to open a bottle of wine and complain - which was EXACTLY what I needed. Then on Sunday I did a big apartment cleaning, two loads of laundry, and worked on campus with one my best friends for a few hours in the evening. So, I'm feeling a little better I guess.

I just turned in my final paper and gave my final presentation for my last remaining class of the semester - which means I am DONE with schoolwork until January, and officially have just ONE semester left of my Masters. I am trying to take a moment and reflect on what a freaking HUGE accomplishment it has been to survive this semester, which was by far my busiest, craziest, most demanding and stressful semester of graduate school - maybe even ever. Trying to focus on that, and to be really proud of myself rather than just moving on to worrying about the next thing.

Well, I started off this post planning for it to be a relatively cheerful one, but now I don't know. I can't explain why I'm feeling so weirdly down and mopey these days. Maybe it's a bit of a letdown after the high of working so hard and going full-throttle for so long. It just seems like the little stuff is getting to me more. I'm ruminating on several things that have either happened or been said recently. I feel off and unsettled and not, like, content or at peace or comfortable at all. Basically I could burst into tears at any moment, and there's nothing really specific abut it other than a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and in the end it all adds up and is weighing so heavily on me that I can't manage.

I do not want to admit to myself that maybe this is just depression creeping back in. That it is a relapsing condition and maybe I'm just due for another crash. That maybe I really do need to be on medication, and there's nothing I can do about it.

This isn't making sense at all. Sorry. I'm going to cry for a little bit, and maybe then I'll be able to think more clearly.