Monday, December 15, 2014

Something Isn't Right

The grouchiness has subsided a tad. I was feeling really down and sad this weekend....I had no plans Saturday night, but decided that was a recipe for even more sadness and loneliness, so I had a few girlfriends over to open a bottle of wine and complain - which was EXACTLY what I needed. Then on Sunday I did a big apartment cleaning, two loads of laundry, and worked on campus with one my best friends for a few hours in the evening. So, I'm feeling a little better I guess.

I just turned in my final paper and gave my final presentation for my last remaining class of the semester - which means I am DONE with schoolwork until January, and officially have just ONE semester left of my Masters. I am trying to take a moment and reflect on what a freaking HUGE accomplishment it has been to survive this semester, which was by far my busiest, craziest, most demanding and stressful semester of graduate school - maybe even ever. Trying to focus on that, and to be really proud of myself rather than just moving on to worrying about the next thing.

Well, I started off this post planning for it to be a relatively cheerful one, but now I don't know. I can't explain why I'm feeling so weirdly down and mopey these days. Maybe it's a bit of a letdown after the high of working so hard and going full-throttle for so long. It just seems like the little stuff is getting to me more. I'm ruminating on several things that have either happened or been said recently. I feel off and unsettled and not, like, content or at peace or comfortable at all. Basically I could burst into tears at any moment, and there's nothing really specific abut it other than a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and in the end it all adds up and is weighing so heavily on me that I can't manage.

I do not want to admit to myself that maybe this is just depression creeping back in. That it is a relapsing condition and maybe I'm just due for another crash. That maybe I really do need to be on medication, and there's nothing I can do about it.

This isn't making sense at all. Sorry. I'm going to cry for a little bit, and maybe then I'll be able to think more clearly.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you Kaylee
    I know that fear you feel of relapsing
    I feel it too
    But as everyone keeps saying to me at the moment
    A slip doesn't have to mean a full blown relapse
    And I don't think yours is a relapse
    As you say
    It could be the come down from the high that was working so hard
    Hang in there girl
    Thinking of you
    And sending you love, hope and strength x