Tuesday, December 9, 2014

The Grouch Persists, and Feeling Alone

I told you I was feeling grouchy. I don't know if it's the culmination of a lot of niggling little things that have happened lately eating away at me, or if I'm just going through something weird, or the conversation with my mom that just happened in which she managed to make me feel 100% horrible about myself, but ugh. I am totally frustrated and angry and sad right now. Lotsa tears. These are the times when I really feel like my support system is lacking, because there is really no one I feel okay talking to about the stuff going through my head right now. These are also the times when I wonder, Am I totally fucked up? Or are these normal emotions? Sometimes I worry that because I've spent the last several years ill with an eating disorder, my brain hasn't caught up with the changes that happen to normal people between the ages of 19 and 24. And sometimes I worry that I worry too much, and that is why I can't just be normal and happy and okay.


  1. Dude, I so felt the same way-- normal people get all their emotional unsteadiness/pubertal growth/hormonal adjustments in at the same time! Also, those are kinda years when other people develop support systems outside of their family, I think. Grad school's hard anyhow, way way harder than undergrad in a whole lot of ways, and not having a built in support system is a big one.

    Whatever your feeling right now is normal for you, and lots & lots of twenty-somethings have icky existential crises, I just think it feels way lonelier/pathological when you've isolated yourself/coped in way that's no longer an option for so long.

    I don't do lonely well either-- but in the years since the worst of the disorder (and we're coming up on five since I was last in treatment) my life has opened up in ways I couldn't have predicted. I'm still not normal, and this time of year/with things going on I'm feeling less than okay lately too-- but I'm much, much closer to being consistently okay than I ever thought possible.

    You didn't miss a critical window of learning, you know? You're just getting there a bit more circuitously than you would've liked. At least that's what I tell myself. I'm in a different graduate program this year after graduating last spring, and I'm way older than everyone, and in a different city than my old friends, and now living in temporary housing while I'm doing some espeically far away stint, and I'm so beyond over it.

    But I'm still learning. My ways of being destructive are more run of the mill/non-pathological lately-- watching modern family on repeat instead of doing work, obsessing over finances in a needless and neurotic fashion which makes me more anxious (but beats calorie counting).

    I hope you have a very restful and busy break-- two weeks away sounds lovely, I've got two weeks off for the first time since undergraduate coming up too.

  2. I hate that it's been a rough time for you lately, the combination of grouchy/lonely is tough. Do you typically have mood changes in winter, with the short days and all? I know the abbreviated day cycle can really fuck with my mood cycles and general life outlook.

    I think it's hard to figure out how and who to be and how and who to be with other people no matter who you are, but especially if you have been focusing a lot of energy on mental/physical health issues for years. It doesn't mean that you've missed the boat, though. I think you're an extremely intuitive person when it comes to other people's feelings and problems, and intelligent about the world in general, and those two things are super important in ultimately helping you find your way. You are also probably capable of keener introspection than other people who hadn't faced challenges would be. So don't tell yourself that you're lacking in anything, it's just hard to get it sorted out sometimes. But you will. Take care and reach out if you need to . . .

  3. I really feel for you Kaylee
    I know it's really tough when we feel there is no one to talk to
    And I know a comment at the bottom of a blog isn't the same as a hug or a cuppa and a chat
    I wish I could reach through the screen and wrap you in a big hug and tell you that you will be ok
    And you will
    I know from reading your blog that you are made of hard stuff
    You will get through this
    Baby steps all the way x

  4. I'm so sorry that you've been feeling this way. It's so frustrating, and the loneliness of it sucks as well. I know you and your mom are close, and I'm really sorry that you guys haven't had the greatest communication lately. I'm sure that's really difficult.

    That time between 19 and 24 is so murky and messy, and then adding an eating disorder, grad school, lots of life changes, and it's really hard. I can assure you that all of your emotions are perfectly 'normal' (whatever normal actually means), and can still totally suck at the same time. Something that really helps me sometimes is to try to put specific feeling names on things and sort out how I look at that.

    I hope you know you can always get in touch with me. I also hope that you can find some peace and calm in your brain and feel better. Hang in there!