I didn't expect this to affect me so much, but I am still super upset about the conversation my mom and I had a few days ago. I had just gotten through updating her on a bunch of school/research-related stuff, and then I mentioned some of the conflict I've been having about guys recently. Basically she made a few comments implying that (1) I'm being too picky and should stop "stringing guys along" and (2) I would be better off with a boyfriend.
I'm fairly certain she didn't it that harshly, but that's how it came across. Can you say INVALIDATING? I have been working my butt off trying to hack the school/work/research/life/recovery thing, and all she cares about is my love life? I tried to be subtly firm about the fact that having a boyfriend is not a priority at the moment, and while it would be nice, I'm doing a-okay on my own right now. After the several years of total physical and emotional turmoil, that in itself is a pretty huge accomplishment.
So, I'm not really sure what she thought her comments would accomplish other than to make me feel bad about myself. Yes of course it would be nice to have someone. And I'm already kind of insecure that I don't, and sometimes I am super lonely and wish I had a better support system. But I'm also doing okay.
I think my mom still just doesn't quite get how busy and stressful and complicated my life actually is. I think she also doesn't quite get how hard some of the simple stuff still is for me: eating three square meals, balancing the exercise piece, coping with my weight and the constant anxiety about pain and my eyes and other health issues. I mean, I am literally still obsessing and worrying about this stuff constantly. And you know what, that is a huge energy drain. I don't feel like a normal twenty-something; I still feel a little shell-shocked by all that has happened over the past 4-5 years, like I'm still dusting myself off and getting back on my feet.
It just hurts my feelings to think that she can't acknowledge how hard I'm working. For me, getting through each day with my health and emotionally state intact is enough. I'm doing consistently well, after several years of being unequivocally unwell. For now, that has to be enough.
My mom and I are super close and we NEVER fight, so this stung pretty bad. I've responded the mature way by refusing to call or text her since. And now I'm just feeing more lonely and lost than ever.
Not sure why this hit so hard, but I'm struggling.