I didn't expect this to affect me so much, but I am still super upset about the conversation my mom and I had a few days ago. I had just gotten through updating her on a bunch of school/research-related stuff, and then I mentioned some of the conflict I've been having about guys recently. Basically she made a few comments implying that (1) I'm being too picky and should stop "stringing guys along" and (2) I would be better off with a boyfriend.
I'm fairly certain she didn't it that harshly, but that's how it came across. Can you say INVALIDATING? I have been working my butt off trying to hack the school/work/research/life/recovery thing, and all she cares about is my love life? I tried to be subtly firm about the fact that having a boyfriend is not a priority at the moment, and while it would be nice, I'm doing a-okay on my own right now. After the several years of total physical and emotional turmoil, that in itself is a pretty huge accomplishment.
So, I'm not really sure what she thought her comments would accomplish other than to make me feel bad about myself. Yes of course it would be nice to have someone. And I'm already kind of insecure that I don't, and sometimes I am super lonely and wish I had a better support system. But I'm also doing okay.
I think my mom still just doesn't quite get how busy and stressful and complicated my life actually is. I think she also doesn't quite get how hard some of the simple stuff still is for me: eating three square meals, balancing the exercise piece, coping with my weight and the constant anxiety about pain and my eyes and other health issues. I mean, I am literally still obsessing and worrying about this stuff constantly. And you know what, that is a huge energy drain. I don't feel like a normal twenty-something; I still feel a little shell-shocked by all that has happened over the past 4-5 years, like I'm still dusting myself off and getting back on my feet.
It just hurts my feelings to think that she can't acknowledge how hard I'm working. For me, getting through each day with my health and emotionally state intact is enough. I'm doing consistently well, after several years of being unequivocally unwell. For now, that has to be enough.
My mom and I are super close and we NEVER fight, so this stung pretty bad. I've responded the mature way by refusing to call or text her since. And now I'm just feeing more lonely and lost than ever.
Not sure why this hit so hard, but I'm struggling.
Sounds like a frustrating conversation with your mom, and probably at a stressful time when it just added to other feelings. I'm really sorry. I think parents sometimes don't get how those kinds of comments come across, or that maybe you're insanely busy with other things. In any case, I think you're a rockstar for how well you're doing. It sucks that the obsessions are pretty constant. I hope those ease soon. Does Dr. P have any thoughts on that?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry she isn't able to acknowledge all of your hard work, perseverance, and resilience. If it helps, I think you've been doing awesome. I'm really sorry you're feeling hurt and that there's some distance between you and your mom right now. Hang in there.
Thank you - I think you're quite a rock star too! I did mention the obsessions to Dr. P last week, and she seemed slightly surprised (I guess I don't bring it up that much??) and basically said, "if these thoughts are that prevalent for you then we need to be talking about them every week." So, it looks like that is on the horizon.
DeleteRe: the moms comments on boyfriendness-- is it possible she's just (failing at) trying to say that she wishes things were easier for you/better for you? Not to justify/excuse that kinda invalidating talk, but it's something my parents are prone to-- a kinda, look on the bright side, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, you should really be nicer or no one will ever marry you-- weirdness. It helps me to acknowledge that they want me to be happy, and they just don't understand.
ReplyDeleteDoing consistently well is HUGE, and you have so much to be proud of.
yeah to be fair to her, I'm 110% certain she didn't mean it in a way that was supposed to be anything other than "I love you and want what's best for you." But ARGH moms are usually the best, but also sometimes the worst.
Deletethank you :)