Saturday, January 31, 2015

Return of the Butterflies

Feeling really overwhelmed and scattered right now. An early semester episode of the jitters seems to be a trend for me—I went through this when I first started graduate school, again last January, and again this past September. My stomach is full of butterflies and my sleep is all messed up. I'm actually sleeping through the night okay, but then wake up super early tossing and turning while my stomach does somersaults until the sun starts to creep up.

A not-insignificant portion of the stress for me comes from logistics; I generally have to be in multiple different places throughout the day, no two days look the same, and I have very little control over my own schedule. I am constantly running through the details in my head: If I get out of here by 7:55 I can make the 8:12 train which will get me downtown by 8:36 which will put my at the office at 8:42 which gives me 18 minutes to shoot off e-mails and pay my electric bill before Supervisor gets there... Another big portion of stress comes from the actual content and volume of my workload. My research is really taking off, which is exciting and engaging but also TIME-CONSUMING. And finally, a huge chunk of stress comes from balancing an eating disorder and various other iterations of my brain's fucked-up-ness.

These PhD interviews and campus visits are turning my life upside down. I will be traveling three out of the next four weekends, with two other trips in the works. It's all super exciting and I am mostly over the moon thrilled about all the positive feedback, but I'm also stressed to the max thinking about all the traveling, plus having to perform for so many hours on end, for so many different important people, with so much at stake. = run-on sentence.

I'm stressed about my weight, although that seems to have receded in my brain a little...mostly because I don't have time or energy to spend on it. Which is a viable recovery strategy, but also comes at a cost. I'm not really building skills or resilience or peace with my body, you know? I'm just putting it out of my mind until it inevitably rears its ugly head at an inopportune moment—which will probably be at some point when I am exhausted and worn down and feeling vulnerable. A weird aside is that my appetite has been OUT OF CONTROL recently. Yesterday I ate an unplanned morning snack for the first time in probably ever because I was so hungry and knew I wouldn't make it until lunch. Of course I sort of adjusted for the calories later, but it still bumped up my total intake a tad, and the fact alone that I added an extra snack because of hunger was pretty remarkable. The hyperactive, over-analytical side of my brain is demanding to get to the bottom of why my stomach has suddenly because an insatiable roaring beast. Maybe anxiety burns a lot of calories. Maybe those butterflies in my stomach are little calorie-churning machines. Or maybe it's that I've started lifting weights again in the past couple weeks, after a long hiatus.

Um. I'm not sure how I got started on that tangent. What was I even talking about? Can ya tell my brain is feeling a little scattered? On the plus side I have been super productive the past couple days and got several projects off my plate, thank goodness. I am trying to get myself ahead before the traveling starts, because I anticipate it being REALLY hard to concentrate and stay motivated when I have one foot out the door. My first interview is in two weeks and I want to be on my game, not stressing about homework.

Happy Saturday friends, hope it's a fantastic weekend.

No comments:

Post a Comment