Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Life Updates and Love is Complicated

Back to the school-work-research-more work-more school grind. Spring semester - let's do this. Yesterday was not actually anything new, since my only class was the research seminar that continued from last semester, plus a shift at my job, where I've worked since May 2013. I'm having my first new class tonight....for THREE hours. Pray for me. While it makes life complicated, I do actually enjoy having a different schedule every day. Keeps things interesting, ya know?

Speaking of "keeping things interesting," as soon as my washing machine and car got fixed - my laptop broke. It spent the night in the Apple Computer Hospital and thankfully I can pick it up today after just 24 hours of no computer. I was seriously panicked when I realized I'd be without a computer for a day, although this was probably the most convenient time to have it happen, because I don't really have any schoolwork yet.


Also in the vein of "keeping things interesting"....there's this guy. He used to live in College City and we were good friends, and kinda sorta flirted for a while, he bought me a few dinners, took me to a couple movies, etc etc etc but it never really went anywhere. Mostly because I kept my foot pressed so hard on the brakes that the poor guy didn't really have a chance. He has since graduated with his PhD and moved many states away and we didn't really keep in touch. But.....recently we've started talking again, and suddenly I've been wondering Did I miss out on something? I am about 85% sure this is a case of just wanting what I can't have...because when he was here and completely available, I was not interested. And now suddenly that he's gone and not really available (I mean he's "available" as in single, just not easily accessible like when we lived in the same city and went to the same school), I'm scratching my head like Huh. What if...? He now lives in a city semi-close to where my parents live, and I thought about driving out to visit him when I was home for winter break, but never got the guts to actually initiate and follow through on that. Now I'm kind of wishing I had, so that I would at least have something more concrete to go on. Anyways, he's super lovely and sweet and adorable and a SMARTY PANTS because he has a PhD in something involving biology and medicine and engineering. So, quite a catch. I hate this sense of not being able to trust my own feelings...like, do I like him? Maybe? Maybe not? He's nice but do I like him? Am I remembering him correctly? Why didn't I give this more thought for the several years he was here and I saw him all the time? LOVE IS SO COMPLICATED.


Anyways, I'm at work and probably should start, you know, doing some work. I've been putting in a lot of hours the past couple weeks so my paycheck is gonna be big and juicy (well, as big and juicy as you can get from part-time, hourly wages....I have low standards).

Peace, friends.


  1. I'm glad you were only computer-less for one day; that can be stressful even when you don't have a dire need to use one.

    Re: This guy. Why do you think put the brakes on things when he was around; how did you feel about him then? I've found that in-person chemistry can vary dramatically from "over the computer" chemistry. It doesn't mean he might not be a good match, though: maybe you were at a place in which you just didn't have the energy to start something when he was around, but it could be useful to reflect on?

    1. hmm good question. I was probably putting the brakes for two main reasons: (1) I first knew him through him a more academic/professional rather than "social" setting, if that makes sense, so I had always viewed him as sort of off-limits rather than a potential love interest. That did change obviously and we became close friends over time, but I think there was always a lingering sense of him being "not an option" in that way. (2) Run-of-the-mill ED insecurity nonsense. I was basically either very deep in my eating disorder or very deep in my depression/anxiety (sometimes at the same time) throughout the entire period I knew him. I was also dealing with the nerve pain throughout this whole time as well, so was generally feeling very broken and disconnected and alone and not particularly up for a relationship. So it's hard for me to tell now what was really us just not clicking as people, and what was my ED getting in the way. And part of me is aways asking the question: Is this person someone who I would feel safe sharing and going through this stuff with? Because although I'm doing much much better, I am not "cured" of anything right now, and these issues are going to be with me for a long time.

    2. And re: sharing this "stuff", I think it's impossible to know how you'll feel/whether they'll be good about it until you have a relationship. Boy was amazing, in ways I absolutely could not have predicted or expected, when I was horrifically depressed. Even more impressive, he went right back to treating me like me when I got better. (He even taught classes in the community about recognizing depression/helping people get help!)

      I guess this rambling is to say-- don't discount people you know somewhat superficially because you can't imagine sharing the deepest, scariest parts of yourself with them. People will surprise you. You will surprise you. And honestly, one of the nicest things? to him, stuff that's wrong with my brain is the teensiest part of who I am. It's a wonderful perspective. (he was wonderful in my first depressive spell while we were together, and later taught seminars in the community about recognizing depression and being a supportive family member/friend)

      five years ago, elbow deep in magazines for terrible collage art therapy at my last IP stint, I never would've imagined I'd be here-- in a healthy relationship with a dude who loves to cook (where I see that as a serious plus), paging through the same trend magazines as before only now I'm all... hmm, which dress do I want for my weddding? garden gazebo or college cathedral? food trucks or traditional fare?

      So I hope you give yourself/people a chance-- you're making progress everyday, and everyone has their stuff. I felt weird being 26 when I got into my first real relationship, but you know-- most people I know weren't who they are today five years ago either, and most of my close friends didn't find the people who they married until their late 20s. #academia

  2. I fear anything ever happening to my beloved MacBook Pro. I love it so dearly! Were they able to completely fix whatever was wrong? Apple's pretty good about that, I think. They have great customer service.

    I always like the unavailable men! Always! And I don't know if I'm like, asexual (but still get crushes) or if I'm scared or if I'm...whatever. I don't know! It confuses the hell out of me. But hey, crushes are fun. So instead of regretting, focus on the present and flirt electronically if you want. ;)

    1. oh my god, having my Mac break is probably one of my biggest nightmares. Literally, I have nightmares about spilling entire cups of coffee on it or dropping it on the sidewalk. The Apple store was fantastic - charged me $90 for a new track pad but were very speedy and pleasant about the whole thing!

      Ugh, MEN. I feel like I have been very disconnected from my feelings about this for a while, just due to health/mental health stuff taking up all my attention for the past several years, so it's sometimes hard to be in tune with what I really want and how I really feel about someone. I broke up with my last boyfriend was about three years ago and have been pretty closed off since then, and sometimes feel like I missed out on some of the "fun" dating most people get out of their systems in their early twenties....so yes I am trying to not be so damn serious about it and just enjoy it :)

  3. There's something about this "available men". Always when someone really is interested, I am not, but on the contrary I want to hang out only with guys who totally ignore me or treat me as a friend. Relationships are not for me, I guess.

    1. I have definitely felt the same way. It is also so dang hard to incorporate a relationship into your life when there's some issue like an ED in the picture (not sure if that's the case for you, but it is for me!) - I'm ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I don't know if I'd be able to put a relationship first, like I'd still be freaking out about restaurants and unplanned outings or whatever, and it would sour any potential I might have with a person. So, lots of hurdles to get through.

  4. Gosh Kaylee I can relate
    I am going through my own 'boy drama' at the moment
    And can't even write about it on my blog
    Because some of my family read m blog
    And I don't want them to know about it
    I know what you are thinking
    Red flag right there...

    As regards your boy
    Sometimes we only realize how precious something is
    When we don't have it anymore
    I would say reach out to this guy
    You might regret if you don't
    And keep us updated
    I am dying to know what happens.... x