Recovery Ramblings

Hey everyone, sorry for my freak-out the other night. I'm still feeling very defeated and humbled, and hate having to face the fact that my eating disorder is not gone and I am not recovered. It is certainly less present and all-consuming than it used to be, but it's still here and that really sucks.

I suppose I shouldn't minimize the fact that despite all the ickiness swirling in my head right now, the thought of restricting has not even occurred to me. It's literally not an option anymore. In fact, I've even considered actually upping my intake for a while to see if that helps my hunger signals stabilize and evens out my brain a little. If that isn't a sign of recovery, I'm not sure what is. Now I'm just left with all the obsessions and anxiety and self-doubt.

Also, I joke about this all the time, I know, but it has occurred to me that I'm probably underestimating the extent to which PMS messes with my head/body/emotions. I am pretty stable and okay about food and weight stuff the vast majority of the time, but the times I do freak out and lose it tend to be during the week before my period. These are the times I find myself bursting into tears for no reason, ruminating about my weight, panicking about calories and exercise, and Googling things like "metabolism" and "BMR calculator" and "WHY AM I FAT."

The raging PMS is definitely a post-anorexia phenomenon. I can't remember having period-related mood swings like this even when I was a teenager (before I lost my period for several years starting when I was 18), although my period was always pretty irregular so it's hard to say for sure. Also, I was a teenager and mood swings were kind of par for the course.

Don't freak out - I stepped on a scale when I was at home. The number was around where I expected given that I (A) had just eaten lunch; (B) was wearing jeans; and (C) was in the middle of blow-drying my hair, so my hair was soaking wet and I was holding a hair dryer and a brush. Actually, the number was probably a tad lower than I feared, but if I recall correctly, my mom's scale always ran about 2 pounds low. I'm not sure what my point was here, but just reporting that I did weigh myself but the number was relatively meaningless and it didn't really affect me that much. Still terrified to weigh myself "for real."

Sorry this was rambly. Just trying to update you guys and also make sense of some things in my head. In summary, ED's suck and recovery is complicated.

The ED Revisits

I have been struggling with my eating disorder quite a bit recently. Not really behaviors, more thoughts and obsessions. I know you are probably thinking—um duh, it's Thanksgiving. Who wouldn't struggle with their ED on Thanksgiving? But hear me out. I am just feeling so darn confused and frustrated and demoralized. I already wrote about this once recently, but I DO NOT understand my appetite or my hunger cues or how I should know when to eat. I have eaten by a schedule for so many years, I don't know how to do it any other way, even when I want to.

Last week my team at work went out to a Thai restaurant for lunch. No, I was not told until that morning and yes, I then spent the entire morning freaking out about it. The lunch actually turned out to be fine (Thai is a relatively "safe" cuisine for me) and I had no problem cleaning my plate of mostly veggies and shrimp in some delicious spicy sauce. I had a pretty solid ballpark estimate of the calorie content in my head of how much I'd eaten; it was a number bigger than my normal lunch, but one that was okay with me and that could be worked into the rest of my day pretty easily. I was just polishing off the last couple of bites and feeling relatively good about it when the woman sitting next to me finished of her last bite, pushed the plate away, and kind of moaned and rubbed her stomach and said something like "Wow, I'm SO full, I don't think I'll have to eat ANYTHING ELSE for the rest of the day!" And I was like uhhhh are you kidding??? Pretty sure I'll be hungry again in three hours.

So then I started obsessing about whether maybe I'd underestimated the calories? Maybe I shouldn't eat the rest of the day either? Or maybe what I've been assuming are hunger pains are actually not true hunger? Or maybe eating lots of small meals and snacks throughout the day is revving up my hunger and I should cut back?

And I realized yet again that I have no concept of "eating according to hunger," and that my appetite and metabolism are still utter mysteries to me. But honestly, there is no possible way I'm eating "too much" for my hunger; when I don't eat every 3-4 hours, I get dizzy, sick, weak, and gnawing stomach pains. Yesterday my schedule was off since I was on an early flight to Home City, ate breakfast on the plane, ate lunch on the drive home with my mom, and then skipped my usual afternoon snack because (1) I forgot; (2) I knew we were going out to dinner and wanted to restrict a little. The last two hours before dinner, I was a wreck. My stomach was growling like crazy, I was light-headed, cranky, and bone-tired. By the time we got to the restaurant, I could barely think straight I was so hungry. I ate a tuna sandwich and even some of the french fries that came with it, and felt better. But my calories for the day were still lowish from what I usually eat, and I started feeling hungry again a few hours later, so I ate some trail mix right before bed. Which made me feel like a pig.

And today, I ate breakfast around 9:30 and then we didn't have our big holiday meal until about 3:30. I was starving by noon, but refused to eat anything because I didn't want to "spoil" the meal. Instead, I spoiled the entire day because my stomach was churning and growling like a monster. I didn't even end up enjoying Thanksgiving dinner because my stomach just hurt at that point. Now I'm bloated, sick feeling, and still low on calories for the day, and can't decide if I need to eat more or not.

This wouldn't be so mentally hard if I weren't at my highest weight ever. It's really really hard to want to eat when you know the calories-in calories-out thing isn't exactly working the way everyone promised. I'm also PMSing, and thus feeling particularly fat and emotional.

Another random thing that isn't helping: my brother had always been an athlete and in great shape until he went to college, when he quit organized sports, joined a fraternity, and gained  bunch of weight. He was never fat, just bulky and had a beer belly. He stayed that way until about a year or so ago when he discovered biking. He started doing signing up for endurance races and did long rides before work. He slimmed down a ton and looked great. But, I guess he's kind of backed off on the biking for a while because things got so crazy at work, and I just saw him this weekend for the first time since last Christmas—and he's gained quite a bit of weight back. As far as I can tell, he has no real qualms about it, and eats liberally without food restrictions. But my mom mentioned his weight to me privately (I hadn't noticed yet because he'd been sitting down all night), and it just messed with my head more.

I kind of want to talk this out with my mom, and get her opinion on how I'm eating and how I look....but I also don't really know how to bring it up, and don't trust that she won't say something inadvertently triggering. I definitely don't trust myself to handle a triggering comment well. I am kinda sorta considering going back to a dietitian, but I also kind of hate dietitians and don't want to. I am just confused and frustrated and sad that this is still taking up so much space in my life.

Back Pain

Anyone else get back pain around their period? My back started bothering me off and on several months ago, and I just assumed it was from sitting too much and being fat and old. But now I'm starting to put the pattern together and realize it seems related to my period. I'm not just weepy and cranky because my back hurts; but I'm weepy and cranky AND my back hurts because my uterus is doing crazy shit like it does. Also I am bloated. So my back hurts, my stomach is sticking out, and I have cramps.

Ibuprofen doesn't seem to touch it, and I can't go on hormonal birth control for a variety of reasons. Any thoughts? DO YOU THINK IT'S FATAL? I'm a dork. But seriously, my back hurts. Help!

Movies, Music, Books, and Other Stuff

I've been weirdly exhausted lately. Not sleepy-tired, but that deep, achy tired where it feels like your whole body is made of lead. Sometimes I think it's hunger, but I'm never sure (see previous post for more on my appetite-related confusion). Anyway, the past two nights I've fallen asleep on the couch for an hour, then gone to bed and slept another eight hours, which is UNHEARD OF for me. Usually five, six hours of sleep and I'm good to go. I guess my body is telling me something!

Just two real days this week and then I'm off to Home City for Thanksgiving. This is one of my favorite holidays, but also one of the most stressful because it always falls during a particularly hellish part of the semester, and it involves a lot of traveling for a relatively short visit. That being said, I am super excited to spend a few days at home with Mama and Popsicle and Big Bro B.

I saw the new Hunger Games movie yesterday. It was okay, just a lot of J Law being weepy and angsty instead of BADASS. Hopefully Part II will make up for it. Also, I know how the little love triangle ends because I read the books, but I do not care.....#TeamGale.

I have a new musical obsession: Labrinth. This one is called "Beneath Your Beautiful."

"Let It Be," "Jealous," and his cover of "Shake is Off" are also awesome. That may be because I'm obsessed with anything TSwift.


I also bought a book at Barnes & Noble this weekend. I have a Kindle, but sometimes I just really want an old-fashioned book, you know? And to make it worth the money, I got a big fat juicy one: The Emperor of Maladies by Siddhartha Mukherjee.

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Update: I bugged my advisor the other day about my AS YET UNSUBMITTED LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION WHICH IS DUE IN LESS THAN ONE WEEK. He promised he wouldn't forget. And while I am still moderately anxious about it, I trust him completely and know it will get done. So, that's one less thing to worry about.

Another update: I think Ex-New Dude may have given up, at least for now. I just started straight-up ignoring his texts, and haven't heard anything in about a week. Also I am being a wimp and hiding from the other guy (undergrad friend) who was starting to maybe sorta show some interest. Still trying to convince myself there isn't something fucked up in my head and my heart.

Welp, that's it for now. I'm tired again. Happy Sunday, folks.

Unweighted

I stopped weighing myself a couple of months ago because I literally could not cope with the number anymore. Without me trying, my weight had drifted up to a place that seemed (still does, a little) intolerable. Too high, too much, too fast. I had been weighing myself daily for years, but it was starting to cause more distress than was manageable. Even as other stuff in my life was falling into place, seeing the number of the scale was completely destroying me on a regular basis.

When I was still actively engaging in my eating disorder, the scale performed a very important function; it showed me that what I was doing was working. My goal was always to lose weight, and the scale provided a tangible gauge of progress. If the  number was up, I ate less and worked out more. Simple.

Now, that response is no longer an option. Regardless of what the scale says, I won't restrict because I am no longer willing to restrict. So, the number only serves to demoralize and frustrate, and what's the point of that? I had always thought the scale kept me grounded by preventing irrational fears about runaway weight gain, but in a lot of ways it just kept me stuck.

It's possible that my weight has continued to drift, but I'm not aware of it on an immediate, constant basis anymore and I find myself experiencing this strange peace of mind surrounding my weight. This is not to say that I don't care about my weight anymore, because I do and I hate that. I still have flurries of panic every now and then about are my jeans tighter? is my stomach sticking out more? did my arm just jiggle? But eliminating that concrete daily reminder has worked wonders in terms of keeping the weight off my mind. Sometimes I even think that weight isn't super important. And most of the time, gaining weight doesn't seem like the absolute worst thing in the world anymore. It still seems pretty bad, but probably not the worst. There are other things I care about substantially more, which has not always been the case.

Today when I was getting dressed, I noted how "fat" I've gotten, as usual, and then kind of shrugged it off and went on with my day. Seems minor, but I didn't used to be able to do that. I'm not promising there won't be more freaking out about my weight, but hopefully less and less of it over time.

Checking In

ARGH I've had a headache for about three days now. Not sure if it's stress or sleep deprivation or a cold coming on or what. Shocker of the century, I am totally stressed out and have been staring at my computer for about 72 hours straight. This weekend was basically allll work, except for yesterday morning when I worked at the food bank for a few hours before heading back to campus to meet up with my friend to work on our stats homework. I was there until about 6:30 pm, and then came home and worked on other stuff until about 11pm when I crashed on my couch in front of a soccer game. I didn't sleep well at all due to ruminating about various things. Also, my stomach was bothering me, which may have been due to either (a) hunger, (b) nerves, or (c) both. I didn't fall asleep until about 2 or 3 am, and woke up at 6:30. So, I'm dragging. Then I've spent all day today working on a paper, and here it is almost dinnertime and I still have a problem set to finish, two article reviews to write, 50 pages to read, and stuff for my advisor. Now I am debating skipping it all, curling up under my Snuggie (still the best Christmas present I've ever gotten), and sleeping until Thanksgiving.

thanks Santa!

Sorry to be boring, but I am totally snowed under with schoolwork these days and it's pretty much all I can think about.  Speaking of snow, it is LITERALLY SNOWING outside and I am not down with that. One positive update: Big Man Dr. M spent Friday morning submitting all my recommendation letters! Now that just leaves J. I guess it's time to put my kidnapping plans into action. Although, he actually mentioned to me recently that his son (15 months) has been a major pain in the butt lately due to screaming all night long, so maybe I don't particularly want to kidnap Baby J. Hmmm......

sorry, kid

Okay. Back to work. Hope everyone is staying warm and having a nice weekend. Peace out, peeps.

Appetite Musings

My appetite confuses me. Sometimes I wake up starving first thing in the morning, and sometimes I wake up feeling bloated and full. Sometimes I'm starving for lunch at 10:30, and sometimes I could take it or leave it at noon. Sometimes I scarf my snack at 2pm, and sometimes I forget until 4...which is too close to dinner at 7, so I skip it only to be ravenous at 4:30. Sometimes my 2pm snack fills me up, and sometimes my stomach is growling an hour later.

And hunger. Sometimes it's typical tummy-rumbling, but more often it's light-headedness and bone-dead fatigue. I am convinced I get hypoglycemic easily, but I actually have no idea if that is true.

Maybe I am just hyperaware of this stuff, and the day-to-day differences are magnified because I still eat basically the same stuff at the same times every single day. Maybe I'm still growing! Up, not out, please.

They say your hunger cues and metabolism and all that even out after a while...how long is a while? Not sure. I've been an "officially" healthy weight (BMI-wise) for....hmm...around two years now? Maybe 18 months? So, I guess not that long in the grand scheme of things, but it would be nice to know things are settling into some sort of normal rhythm. I haven't weighed myself in a while so I'm not sure what's up with that, but all my clothes fit about the same, I guess. I've gotten my intake up to a pretty solid, normal amount and have maintained it for a long time now, which is a HUGE improvement for me. Based on appetite alone, I am typically more often hungry than not, but upping my intake still kind of scares the crap out of me. Over the past year or so I have been trying to increase my fat intake, so that I now eat a relatively high-fat diet, without really changing my calories much, with the idea that that would be more satisfying. I'm not sure if I feel any more satisfied, but I'm sure all the peanut butter, walnuts, olive oil, and cheeses aren't doing any harm

I am hungry right now, can you tell? Maybe I need to stop obsessing about this and just EAT.

Procrastination (Not My Own...)

Seven PhD apps submitted, four to go! More than halfway! But OF COURSE while I am busting my ass over here getting all these things together for the December deadlines, my recommenders are totally being LAME and SLOW, so I have those big fat red messages next to their names on eleven different websites: Letter not started. Perfecto, thanks guys! This is really doing great things for my anxiety! I'm not even freaking out a little bit!

Well, that is not completely fair because two of my four recommenders have submitted their letters with plenty of time to spare. OF COURSE it is the two women professors who are being responsible and timely, while the two dudes are procrastinating to the fullest extent of their abilities. One of them is my advisor J, so I am perfectly happy to beat down his door and hold his children hostage until he submits my letter, but Big Man Dr. M is a total celeb professor and he is famous and he scares me! Plus, his kids are grown-ups so it would be harder to kidnap them for ransom. But, desperate times. If anyone wants to lend some muscle and/or has kidnapping experience, holler at me.

I am kidding about the hostage-taking. Don't arrest me.

Therapy Break and Some ED Thoughts

I cancelled therapy tomorrow. Not sure why. I do this about once every other month or so (not counting times when I legitimately have to miss, like being out of town or something like that). The fact is that after three years of basically continuous therapy, sometimes I just really don't feel like going. I don't feel like talking about eating disorders or depression or any of my shit. This happens more often when I'm doing well, like now, but it also happens when I'm not doing so hot and don't feel like sitting there and crying for an hour.

I adore my therapist, so it has nothing to do with that. I think being in therapy just reminds me that I'm sick. Or at least that I was sick, and that I'm still a little sick. Right now I would consider myself relatively recovered from my eating disorder, but it's not like you go from sick to well in a hot second and that's that. And the further I get in recovery, the more it dawns on me how sick I was for how long. When I look back at myself at 13 or 19 or even 22, I want to cry for how sick I was and never knew it.

When I was 19, I was hospitalized for low heart rate. I spent the whole time being SO MAD because it felt like everyone was tearing my life out of my hands, and that I had no control over anything anymore. And now it makes me sad to realize that they were actually saving my life. I wish I could apologize to the doctors who got stuck with me, because I was an obstinate little snot.

There is this girl I met at the first treatment center I went to back in Home City (where my parents live) about four years ago. We stayed in touch, but things have gotten strained. Basically, she is still very very sick in her eating disorder. She also has other issues (purging, self-harm, etc.) that I don't fully understand, although I've always tried to be supportive. But this girl is not doing well, and has gotten VERY needy with all the texts, e-mails, etc. Anyway, I have found the need to pull back lately. It makes me feel kind of bad, but is also freeing in the same way it has been freeing to pull away from my own eating disorder. It also just makes me sad, because that was me not long ago: being sick and self-destructive, blind to something that was so apparent to everyone else.

So, I feel like I'm being a bad friend, but I'm also putting myself first. For me, recovery was a choice. The health problems forced my hand a bit, but ultimately I had to decide that enough was enough. And now that I have, it seems so freaking obvious that I can't believe I didn't do it sooner. My friend hasn't made that choice, and I can't make it for her. I guess that's the illness, and I'm not implying that people with eating disorders are "choosing" to stay sick. But I did choose to get better after many years of choosing not to.

I guess my point is that sometimes I need a break from being a Sick Person, or a Recovering Sick Person, and need to just be a person. Although I am immensely grateful to my beloved Dr. P., I wouldn't see her if I weren't sick. And I probably wouldn't have been friends with this girl if we hadn't been sick together. So, I just need a break.

Dudes and Self-Doubt

UGH. YOU GUYS. Remember how I mentioned on my last post that I had gone out with this guy from college and he kinda sorta made it seem like he wanted it to be a date, and I pretty much decided I didn't? Well, I got home around 11:30 all stressed out about it and feeling like a huge bitch for not reciprocating with this super sweet, generous, gentlemanly guy...when I got a loooong text from the former New Dude who I dated briefly at the end of the summer, basically saying stuff like "I'm sorry if I pressured you or made you feel uncomfortable, and I just really like you and enjoyed spending time with you and I hope we can still be friends and yadda yadda yadda."

I didn't answer him at first (instead I called my best friend and vented for about an hour about how boys SUCK and then she reminded me that she is very happily in love with her boyfriend of over a year so I was like 'okay, you SUCK'). Anyway, I felt too mean ignoring Old New Dude completely, so eventually I texted back something lame like, "No need to apologize! It's all good!" and hoped that would be the end of it....but oh no, Old New Dude was not letting me off that easy. He texted me back about how he had been so worried I was mad, and he just really liked me and wanted to spend more time with me and hoped we could still be friends... And I just straight-up ignored that one.

But did Old New Dude take a hint? No. He texted me a couple times Sunday night asking about my weekend, and then again this morning commenting on the weather.

Honestly I feel bad because he seems kind of lonely and in need of a friend, but I don't think I can be that to him. And I think he needs to respect the fact that we tried it, it didn't work, and now I want to be left alone.

I hate these situations. My gut tells me this guy isn't right for me, and that my college friend isn't either. My mom keeps telling me to hold out for the right guy. But at times like these, when I know I'm hurting someone who would probably make a great, loving boyfriend, it feels like there's something wrong with me for closing myself off and not going with it.

Some Sunday Updates

Busy weekend! On Friday I worked 8am-5pm (YAWN) and then hung out with a friend from college. We got dinner at a Thai restaurant and then strolled around my neighborhood for a while. It wasn't supposed to be a date, but somehow it started to feel like he wanted it to be one. I don't think I'm interested, and managed to keep things in the Friend Zone for the time being, but....I guess, stay tuned. Then on Saturday I worked at the food bank downtown for a few hours before meeting up with my friend for a study sesh (mostly we just complained the whole time, but I got SOME work done). Then I headed out to another friend's apartment for a girls' night in - dinner, wine, and Good Will Hunting. I may have cried during the "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, WILL" scene. Toldja I was feeling emotional.

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Then I paid for all that playtime today, which I spent entirely doing homework and chores (grocery store, three loads of laundry, and vacuuming), but it was totally worth it. I know that I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally when I actually WANT to be social and see my friends and have fun, so I try to go with it as much as possible.

Busy week as usual coming up. Class, work, meetings, more work, etc. For those of you keeping track, my tally is now up to five of eleven applications submitted, so I'm slowly chipping away at that.

Oh! The most exciting part of my life these days is that Homeland is back! I love this show. It rivals The Wire and the original Law and Order (none of that SVU nonsense) as one my all-time favorites.

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Other random stuff I am currently obsessed with:
- Taylor Swift. Go ahead and judge me, I literally do not care. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.
- Wine. Remember how I used to not drink calories? Well, I am all about the wine these days. It totally chills me out and is an awesome way to get in an extra one or two hundred calories at the end of the day when I'm tired and don't feel like eating. It is ALSO an awesome way to gauge whether or not I've eaten enough that day, because if not then one glass gets me a little drunk.
- My new iPhone. I am in love. I'm still kind of a newb with it and this autocorrect bullshit drives me nuts, but I swear, just having it in my pocket makes me like 50X cooler than I was a month ago.

so slick, so suave

Okey doke, this turned out more random than I had intended. Also I am hungry and, as I am finally beginning to accept six years after leaving home, dinner does not make itself. Peace, everyone.

Post-Medication: Four Month Update

I'm now into Month Four of being off Celexa. Still haven't noticed a huge difference. My anxiety has maybe been a bit high lately, but I am more inclined to blame my current stressful circumstances than the med change. Actually, I can't decide if the insane schedule has helped or worsened by anxiety and obsessiveness. Yes obviously I am stressed out and on edge, but it is usually about stuff that is meaningful (except for this shit) and not stupid ED stuff like my weight or calories or whatever. I definitely feel like my life has more purpose and direction that I did during some of my worst times a couple of years ago.

Anyway, back to the med update: I am still uber emotional. I cry easily, but not in an "I'm miserable and depressed way," more of an "I am having too many strong emotions to keep them inside." And they are usually in response to something external, like a sad news story or a movie or something, and not internal self-hatred. Most of the time, my self-hatred is pretty minimal.

Another weird thing is happening, which may be related to the lack of self-hatred thing: my body image has gotten better. It's still not good, but better. In fact, I actually feel skinnier, which is weird because I'm pretty sure I haven't lost weight, although I'm too freaked out to get on the scale and check. I haven't weighed myself in over a month now, and the last time was absolutely devastating. So, I'm going to just ride the wave and try not to obsess too much. Let's hope this feeling hangs around, regardless of what the scale does.

I guess that's about it. It really has been pretty anti-climactic, after all that obsessing about whether or not to continue with the medication. I don't want to get cocky, especially after I was reminded by a professor in class today (who was off on a tangent...) that "depression is a relapsing illness" and that having had one episode is like the number one risk factor for having another. And I've had a couple already. Depression scares me probably more than anything in the world. It is something that cannot really be expressed or explained to someone who hasn't experienced it, and it's hard to re-conjure those feelings when you are feeling good. But right now, I am feeling relatively empowered and optimistic.

Progress...

I knew these PhD apps were going to be a lot of work, but geez.... You guys should see the folder I have on my computer devoted to this thing. Separate folders for each school, a master spreadsheet with all my schools and each application component, plus separate spreadsheets for each recommender and various other organizational things.

Anyway, I started submitting last week. Four down, seven to go.

Just Complaining

I am warning you ahead of time, this post is going to be bitter and cranky and just plain mean.

I am feeling so many unexplainable ups and downs these days. Sometimes I am totally fired up and excited for the future, and other times I am completed bogged down with everything I have to do. Obviously I'm doing too many things right now and that isn't sustainable, I know that. But I don't really have a choice. All the stuff that I want to quit, I can't. My internship, which is required for my degree program, is boring and unfulfilling and I can't believe I have to work there until May. UGH. Then there's my regular job, which is mostly fine because I like my boss and the hours are flexible, but I don't really love the work I'm doing there and would quit in a heartbeat if that were financially feasible. Then there's school, which I mostly like but am just plan tired. Then there's my research, which I love, and would spend all my time working on if I could.

I guess this is just the nature of the masters program, and I cannot WAIT to be done and start my doctorate. I am so sick of getting pulled in a million directions and getting zero appreciation from anyone for how hard I'm working.

I saw my cousin this weekend and all she did was complain complain complain about how many hours she works, how hard her job is, and how tired she is. She is a new nurse working three 12-hour shifts per week. Now, I KNOW it is a tough schedule. I KNOW that nurses deserve a special place in heaven for what they do. And I KNOW that I'm about to sound like a snotty brat for what I'm about to say....but you know what, I work 12-hour days every fucking day of the week. Between my three jobs, I work over 40 hours per week and then OH YEAH I'm a full-time student. So, frankly, she needs to find someone else to complain to because I have no sympathy left.

I don't think I would be this pissed off and frustrated with my schedule if I didn't feel so under-appreciated. At my internship, I show up dutifully three days a week and pretty much either no one notices, or they give me shit work that a toddler could do. Then I show up at my job, and they ask me to me to make copies or update the website or deliver mail. Then I'm expected to show up at class and perform, go home and do my homework and perform some more, and then wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I am TIRED.

I am also lonely, because I have very little time for a social life and all my friends are basically in my same program anyway. I would like to meet people outside of school because I'm sick of school, but I don't know how and I don't have the time or energy to be creative about it.

Sorry there was no point to this post other than venting. I know things will get better - the semester is almost over, and then I have just one semester left until I graduate. So, almost there.