Post-Medication: Four Month Update

I'm now into Month Four of being off Celexa. Still haven't noticed a huge difference. My anxiety has maybe been a bit high lately, but I am more inclined to blame my current stressful circumstances than the med change. Actually, I can't decide if the insane schedule has helped or worsened by anxiety and obsessiveness. Yes obviously I am stressed out and on edge, but it is usually about stuff that is meaningful (except for this shit) and not stupid ED stuff like my weight or calories or whatever. I definitely feel like my life has more purpose and direction that I did during some of my worst times a couple of years ago.

Anyway, back to the med update: I am still uber emotional. I cry easily, but not in an "I'm miserable and depressed way," more of an "I am having too many strong emotions to keep them inside." And they are usually in response to something external, like a sad news story or a movie or something, and not internal self-hatred. Most of the time, my self-hatred is pretty minimal.

Another weird thing is happening, which may be related to the lack of self-hatred thing: my body image has gotten better. It's still not good, but better. In fact, I actually feel skinnier, which is weird because I'm pretty sure I haven't lost weight, although I'm too freaked out to get on the scale and check. I haven't weighed myself in over a month now, and the last time was absolutely devastating. So, I'm going to just ride the wave and try not to obsess too much. Let's hope this feeling hangs around, regardless of what the scale does.

I guess that's about it. It really has been pretty anti-climactic, after all that obsessing about whether or not to continue with the medication. I don't want to get cocky, especially after I was reminded by a professor in class today (who was off on a tangent...) that "depression is a relapsing illness" and that having had one episode is like the number one risk factor for having another. And I've had a couple already. Depression scares me probably more than anything in the world. It is something that cannot really be expressed or explained to someone who hasn't experienced it, and it's hard to re-conjure those feelings when you are feeling good. But right now, I am feeling relatively empowered and optimistic.