Unweighted

I stopped weighing myself a couple of months ago because I literally could not cope with the number anymore. Without me trying, my weight had drifted up to a place that seemed (still does, a little) intolerable. Too high, too much, too fast. I had been weighing myself daily for years, but it was starting to cause more distress than was manageable. Even as other stuff in my life was falling into place, seeing the number of the scale was completely destroying me on a regular basis.

When I was still actively engaging in my eating disorder, the scale performed a very important function; it showed me that what I was doing was working. My goal was always to lose weight, and the scale provided a tangible gauge of progress. If the  number was up, I ate less and worked out more. Simple.

Now, that response is no longer an option. Regardless of what the scale says, I won't restrict because I am no longer willing to restrict. So, the number only serves to demoralize and frustrate, and what's the point of that? I had always thought the scale kept me grounded by preventing irrational fears about runaway weight gain, but in a lot of ways it just kept me stuck.

It's possible that my weight has continued to drift, but I'm not aware of it on an immediate, constant basis anymore and I find myself experiencing this strange peace of mind surrounding my weight. This is not to say that I don't care about my weight anymore, because I do and I hate that. I still have flurries of panic every now and then about are my jeans tighter? is my stomach sticking out more? did my arm just jiggle? But eliminating that concrete daily reminder has worked wonders in terms of keeping the weight off my mind. Sometimes I even think that weight isn't super important. And most of the time, gaining weight doesn't seem like the absolute worst thing in the world anymore. It still seems pretty bad, but probably not the worst. There are other things I care about substantially more, which has not always been the case.

Today when I was getting dressed, I noted how "fat" I've gotten, as usual, and then kind of shrugged it off and went on with my day. Seems minor, but I didn't used to be able to do that. I'm not promising there won't be more freaking out about my weight, but hopefully less and less of it over time.