I am warning you ahead of time, this post is going to be bitter and cranky and just plain mean.
I am feeling so many unexplainable ups and downs these days. Sometimes I am totally fired up and excited for the future, and other times I am completed bogged down with everything I have to do. Obviously I'm doing too many things right now and that isn't sustainable, I know that. But I don't really have a choice. All the stuff that I want to quit, I can't. My internship, which is required for my degree program, is boring and unfulfilling and I can't believe I have to work there until May. UGH. Then there's my regular job, which is mostly fine because I like my boss and the hours are flexible, but I don't really love the work I'm doing there and would quit in a heartbeat if that were financially feasible. Then there's school, which I mostly like but am just plan tired. Then there's my research, which I love, and would spend all my time working on if I could.
I guess this is just the nature of the masters program, and I cannot WAIT to be done and start my doctorate. I am so sick of getting pulled in a million directions and getting zero appreciation from anyone for how hard I'm working.
I saw my cousin this weekend and all she did was complain complain complain about how many hours she works, how hard her job is, and how tired she is. She is a new nurse working three 12-hour shifts per week. Now, I KNOW it is a tough schedule. I KNOW that nurses deserve a special place in heaven for what they do. And I KNOW that I'm about to sound like a snotty brat for what I'm about to say....but you know what, I work 12-hour days every fucking day of the week. Between my three jobs, I work over 40 hours per week and then OH YEAH I'm a full-time student. So, frankly, she needs to find someone else to complain to because I have no sympathy left.
I don't think I would be this pissed off and frustrated with my schedule if I didn't feel so under-appreciated. At my internship, I show up dutifully three days a week and pretty much either no one notices, or they give me shit work that a toddler could do. Then I show up at my job, and they ask me to me to make copies or update the website or deliver mail. Then I'm expected to show up at class and perform, go home and do my homework and perform some more, and then wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I am TIRED.
I am also lonely, because I have very little time for a social life and all my friends are basically in my same program anyway. I would like to meet people outside of school because I'm sick of school, but I don't know how and I don't have the time or energy to be creative about it.
Sorry there was no point to this post other than venting. I know things will get better - the semester is almost over, and then I have just one semester left until I graduate. So, almost there.
Sounds like things are really crazy right now. It's also really tough to spend so many hours on work that just isn't fun or fulfilling--that can make it seem like double those hours. I really hope you're able to get a break soon--Thanksgiving week? Also, it sounds like your cousin was just not helping at all. Ugh. I hope there's down-time in your future to relax and recharge! Hang in there!
ReplyDeletethanks Alie, looking forward to Thanksgiving!!
DeleteGood luck. It's so so so freaking hard to show up to things when you are tired, spent, have a thousand things to do AND have to show up somewhere you're unappreciated. Don't go to medical school- it's the same thing. It's demoralizing, and it doubly sucks when you don't have the emotional reserve to buffer it.
ReplyDeleteI know it's not an ideal suggestion, but is it possible to pull a little bit more stafford loan money in for the spring? Not sure what your school situation is/what funding looks like outside of medical school, but I gave up on trying to live on my stipend because the financial insecurity + busyness + impossibility of working this much for school. I sat down with a financial counselor, worked out what my options were, and took out enough to have a buffer and not need to work. (Tech with my funding I'm not allowed to work anyhow, but I could try to live on what they give us)
School as performance art sucks the life out of introverted me. Try to schedule some you time, like, legit protected time where you turn off the phone and just read a book-- even if it's only for 30 minutes. Even if it's like, walking outta internship for half an hour when no one knows you're there anyhow. (things i have totally done)
Good luck. what's up next? doctoral program in the same school or elsewhere?
thanks - I think the best I can do is just accept that some areas are not going to get the best me. e.g. the internship - I don't want to work in that field, I don't need a letter of rec from them, my supervisor doesn't scare me, so I'm going to put in my hours and be perfectly mediocre and not worry about what they think of me. My spring should be (maybe?) a little less intense, so hopefully I'll be able to swing the money thing.
Deleteas for what's next, I will go to whichever doctoral program will have me! I am applying to the program here, but am by no means a shoo in.
try to hang in there... one more semester will hopefully go by really quick! Are you done with the internship then or does it keep going? I really admire your hard work and focus. It's not something a lot of people have and it's a great quality - but at the same time it can be overwelming and dangerous to the self if you are stretching yourself too thin and not taking care of yourself. I know all of this stuff is stuff that you need to do so my advice would be to try to take out time during the day to relax and unwind, because that is important too!
ReplyDeleteHey Jenn - the internship continues through May. Thanks for all your kind words and good vibes!
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