Stupid Decision #1: Despite the fact that I have NO FREE TIME EVER and am TOTALLY OVERLOADED ON ALL FRONTS, for some reason I keep taking on more and more responsibilities. Some of them are awesome and exciting and completely worth it (my advisor wants me to present our paper at a poster seminar this semester!), but others are completely unnecessary and need to be delegated (I offered to drive 30 minutes to meet with someone about our group project between an another meeting and class next Wednesday; then I accepted a big project at work that will require extra hours and a quick turnaround) and now I'm stressed out all over again. STUPID.
Stupid Decision #2: Despite the fact that I, you know, have an eating disorder and need to quit doing shit like this, I've been really bad about getting all my calories in this past week. Now I'm grumpy and have headaches all the time and can't sleep. STUPID.
Stupid Decision #3: I am also being terrible about taking my medication. No real reason, except that periodically I go through these phases where I decide that I hate my medication and want to rebel and ditch it for a while. Plus I am embarrassed about going back to see my psychiatrist after the terrible place I was in last time, and skipping meds means that I can go longer before needing an appointment for more refills. My anxiety hasn't really been a problem yet, but I know that going off my meds abruptly is asking for trouble. STUPID.
Stupid Decision #4: This morning at the gym, I was on a treadmill next to this girl who I see there all the time. And being the obsessive, irrational, ultra-competitive person that I am, I decided to smoke her (NO I DON'T KNOW WHY). So even though I had planned on a short easy run, I jacked up the speed and pounded out X miles at a ridiculous pace for no reason other than to be a show-off. Now my hip, which had been essentially healed, hurts again. STUPID.
There is probably a ton of other dumb stuff I've done recently too, but I think that's enough to share on the world wide web. You guys! Usually I'm smart! But sometimes my own stupidity astounds me.
I wouldn't characterize these as stupid, but rather decisions that were fueled by your eating disorder and a majorly type-A personality (understatement). Sounds like you really are taking on way too much. Can you pinpoint exactly why, in each moment, you made those specific decisions? Is it a feeling of needing to be busy? Or people-pleasing? Or ambition? These are just thoughts, but I think it's time to scale back on what you've already agreed to, and make a commitment to yourself to not take on anything more. I know that's really difficult, but the low calories, skipping meds, and competitive running seem to indicate that maybe being so busy isn't great all around for you or your health. I, too, have gotten competitive with someone I saw at the gym a lot, and it feels crappy no matter what. I think you should also see your psych ASAP and be totally honest about your meds and see if you can come up with a solution together. As for the eating...peanut butter! Pop-tarts! In all seriousness, I just don't want to see things slide for you, and I hope that you can start really committing to yourself to hit your calories every single day, as well as meds every day, and not getting competitive with workouts. I know it's hard when you're stressed, but it seems like this might be a vicious circle of stress and the return of ED behaviors. I just know how hard you've worked in recovery, and I know how much happier and freer that has made you feel. Let me know if there's anything I can do to support you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Alie. Maybe I should've gone with "misguided" or "imprudent" but those just don't have the same ring to them. It's kind of nuts how ingrained this stuff is, even when I consider myself to be in a very good and healthy place, ed-wise. I think you're right - I am definitely a compulsively busy/people-pleasing/ambitious person and no matter how much I preach moderation and self-care, it all seems to go right out the window when my life gets hectic and exciting.
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