Feeling a little calmer, a little less out of control, a little less desperate, than earlier this week. I saw my beautiful, wise, sweet Dr. P on Wednesday, and we spent some time mapping out my schedule to get a better idea of the situation. This shouldn't have been a surprise to me, but it kind of was: turns out I've been working over 30 hours between my two jobs, spending 12 hours in clinic, and taking five classes. Plus studying for the GRE, plus tutoring, plus working in a food bank. And while I like staying busy and having lots of responsibilities, apparently I've reached my breaking point.
I don't mean breaking point in a scary way like with restricting and overexercising and out-of-control anxiety, but in a way that has me skipping snacks here and there, not sleeping well, and periodically on the verge of tears. I feel distracted, antsy, nervous, and irritable—and I hate that, because things had been going so well for a while. But I'm on top of it, and still feel pretty centered and normal and okay. I'm not at all depressed; just stressed.
And I'm willing to make some adjustments, but am struggling a little to decide where to cut back. Dr. P is really encouraging me to quit one of my jobs, which probably makes the most sense, but the lost wages will be really hard to swallow. "Hard" as in: I would probably have to either (A) take out more loans, or (B) ask my parents for help—both of which are REALLY unappealing options to me. My parents would help me in a heartbeat, I know, but I hate asking if I can avoid it. And I would like my dad to be able to retire sometime in the next few decades.
So the other option would be to cut way down on my hours, but that doesn't totally eradicate the money issue either. At least that way, though, I would always have the option to increase my hours whenever possible and maintain connections with my boss, colleagues etc.
Still mulling it over, I guess. One bright spot is that this time next week, the GRE will be over. And although I'm not really expecting to pull a mind-blowing score given how my studying has been going, I'll just be glad to get it out of the way. It is actually really frustrating because for some reason I am finding the GRE (especially the verbal sections) to be unexpectedly impenetrable. No idea why; I am very much a verbal person, and I got a high score on my SAT six years ago without cracking a book. So the whole thing is driving me nuts and I want it DONE.
And then there's the part of me that is considering dropping out of school completely and finding a real job with, like, a salary and benefits and work that actually ends at 5pm.