I had therapy this morning and was reminded that (1) Yes I still need to be in therapy and (2) Yes I still need to be taking my drugs. I also probably need to be getting more sleep, but that's a separate issue. For a while at the end of last year I was starting to feel like therapy was kind of useless because things were going so well, but I suppose I got cocky. Kind of nice to know I have that safety net in place, but also scary to realize that I'm still not "normal"...
Dr. P and I talked a little about food and weight stuff because I had been starting to freak out about it a little last week, but we came to the conclusion that it was more of a case of general Anxiety About Everything as opposed to a full-on anorexia resurgence. Because when I get anxious, the things I get anxious about are pretty predictable: (1) my weight, (2) my health, (3) my future (personal, professional, etc.), and (4) my weight again. As you can see, approximately 50 percent of all worries that cross my mind have to do with those STUPID little red numbers on the scale, but it really does seem that the longer I've spent at this healthy, solid weight (it's been several months) and the longer I've been eating a healthy, solid number of calories, the less my weight seems to matter and preoccupy me. But apparently when I'm stressed, those preoccupations seem to flare up, like an old nagging injury that never fully healed.
Given that I am perpetually stressed out, then, Dr. P is still set on me cutting down on my work hours in an effort to free up my schedule a bit. I have hours scheduled for the next two weeks, but after that I have committed to taking a week off from my job and seeing how I do. In the meantime, she wants me to try valerian root for sleep (any thoughts?) and mindfulness exercises (NICE TRY DR. P!). I know mindfulness is like this magical thing, I KNOW, but I seriously just don't have the patience for it, sorry. My old therapist Dr. R once tried to make me do deep breathing exercises and I just kind of giggled and snorted through the whole thing and then he gave up.
Still beyond relieved that this AWFUL AWFUL test is over.
|LET THEM BURN|