Thursday, February 20, 2014

Change in the Air

Something has shifted over the past couple of days. I don't know what it is, or why, but suddenly I'm anxious and edgy and scared. And I'm not really depressed, but after months of not even remembering what depression felt like, suddenly now I do. I can remember what it felt like, and I can imagine it happening again.

Obviously I'm over-scheduled and stressed out, but it feels like more than that. It suddenly feels like something is missing again, or something isn't right, or, I don't even know. I'm not articulating this well. It feels like that general sense of peace and contentedness and okay-ness that I've had since about October or November is just gone. And that scares me so much, I can't even express it. I am so fucking scared that this brief happy period was just a honeymoon and that things are about to go to shit again.

Nothing really concrete has happened, but suddenly I'm freaked out about my weight, and I'm convinced that the nerve pain is coming back, and jesus now all of a sudden I'm crying as I type this, and now this is the second time I've cried in a week after going literally months without shedding a tear. I should be on Cloud 9—I took the GRE this morning and did way better than I expected, and then I went straight to an Important Interview and got offered a position for my next internship (starting in the fall) at a place that I really wanted. But for some reason now I'm back home and nothing feels right and I'm crying.

Maybe it's my period, or the change in weather, or the fact that I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a week, or the fact that despite all my grand plans I still can't manage to take my medication regularly.

Sorry for this. Hopefully some dinner and sleep with help.

1 comment:

  1. :( I'm sorry this is all going on for you again. It sounds like it really could be a nasty combo of your period, weather, fatigue, and stress.all.the.time. I hope you're able to not just sleep to get rest, but also do fun things that make you laugh and smile, which is just as vital. I hope something works soon, because this sounds miserable. Also, I firmly believe that since you had been feeling better for a few months, this is certainly a rough patch, but you'll be able to get back to feeling good. Hope it's soon! Take care of yourself!