Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Moving Forward

THANK YOU to everyone who commented, e-mailed, texted etc. after my last post. It means the world. I am doing much better, mentally and physically, than I was a week ago and feel more ready to face the next few days/weeks/months—whatever it takes to get this horrible pain CURED.

Highlights from the past week:

— My therapist, Dr. P — We had our usual appointment on Tuesday, which was right after I got out of the hospital, and I was predictably unstable. Of course, she was lovely and compassionate and totally understood where I was coming from. She emphasized really strongly that if things ever get as bad as they were last Saturday, I need to CALL HER rather than quietly self-destruct alone in my apartment. I don't know why that was such a revelation to me, to have someone willing to be on call for me, but it made me feel a lot less alone.

— My gynecologist — She doesn't get a letter because she sucks. I don't know why I keep going back to this doctor, except that she is supposedly the College City "expert" on pelvic pain and everyone else refers me to her, but she has done literally NOTHING to help me in two years. Also she is rude, condescending, and ugly (okay, that was unfair. But she still sucks). I've never left an appointment with her not in tears. Someone tell me again why I keep going back? I guess I just always figure that it's so hard to get an appointment anywhere, I might as well go where I can. Desperation will do crazy things to a person.

— My psychiatrist, Dr. L — My mom had scheduled this appointment while I was still in the hospital because she was SO freaked out and didn't really know who else to call. Plus the psychiatrist I had to see in the hospital was a dick and made me feel terrible, so it was kind of a relief to have my beloved Dr. L follow up. That being said, this appointment was kind of mortifying because both my parents came, and the three of us squeezed into Dr. L's tiny office, and my dad couldn't sit because he had thrown out his back, and my mom was just kind of stumbling over her words and not really sure what to say, and I was staring at the ceiling willing myself to disappear through the floor. But Dr. L is a smooth lady and said all the right things to make my parents feel better, and offered to be in e-mail contact with them about any questions or problems.

— My new GP, Dr. C (or Mr. Dr. L, as you may recall) — Again, my parents came and again, it was positively mortifying. On the plus side, he is a wonderful doctor and listened intently to everything we were telling him, took notes, and agreed wholeheartedly with my dad's request for him to be in contact with my uncle (a doctor who has been helping out). While Dr. C admitted that he didn't have any brilliant answers to explain all my medical problems, he was humble and open-minded and seemed to genuinely care about helping me. I had more blood drawn to double check some tests from last week, and he is going to try to get me in to see someone good at University Hospital - probably another rheumatologist, but I'm not sure yet. "I know you're hurting," he told me, and gosh darn it if that didn't make me tear up. I just need someone to know, you know?

My parents have mostly been driving me insane since getting here, and I hate having them all up in my business, but I suppose I should be grateful for all the help. My dad went home Saturday, and my mom is leaving tomorrow. It's a relief to be getting my privacy back, but I gotta admit—it's been nice having her do my grocery shopping and cook me dinner every night.

I don't know why I expected things to just go back to normal right away, and I don't necessarily want them to go back to normal—since I was hurting and in way over my head in terms of handling the medical system, finding doctors, and coping on a daily basis, etc. But still, it's really hard to swallow the fact that my parents, my doctors, my cousins, and my aunts and uncles (at least one or two on both sides of the family....) know what happened, and probably think I'm a certifiable nut job. Guess that can't really be on my list of Top Ten Life Complaints, but it still sucks.

Hope everyone is well.

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