Notes from Orientation

I am in the midst of the World's Longest Orientation so am pretty exhausted, but wanted to give an update. Yet again, my moods are doing the crazy cycling thing—maybe PMS? My period is due in the next week or so. Anyway, I woke up Sunday feeling super shitty for no apparent reason. Just one of those random days where all I felt like doing was crying. Depression scares me the most when it doesn't have an obvious cause. Usually I can pinpoint something—the pain, ED stuff, loneliness, etc.—that might have made my brain switch to Unhappy Mode, but sometimes the depression seems totally unrelated to anything external. That's when I worry about what's wrong with my brain, and what will happen if I finally get all the health stuff resolved but am still miserable. But, we'll worry about that when it happens.

So anyway, I was having a really down day on Sunday until it was time to meet my friend C for coffee. We met last summer at my internship and totally hit it off. She went to college at a small school up north, but is now back living with her parents in College City. So, she isn't thrilled to be stuck here but I'm glad to have her! Anyway, we met up around 3pm and didn't leave for four hours. And you know what? I totally snapped out of my funk. I came home feeling refreshed and okay and not alone.

Monday, I was nervous for orientation. Not really nervous actually, just unexcited and uninterested. I didn't feel like I had the energy to meet new people and be sociable and enthusiastic and impressive. I started having second thoughts about doing the masters program at all, given how unsteady my brain and body still are.

In typical Panicking Kaylee fashion, I called my mom in tears about an hour before I had to leave. My.poor.mother. The crap she puts up with from me—my goodness. Anyways, she talked me down and reassured me that it would be okay, and that if I wasn't up to staying for the full thing the world wouldn't end. So I figured I'd stay for the speeches and maaaayyybe make an appearance at the reception afterwards.

Well, what do you know, the reception ended up being the best part. I met tons of incredibly sweet, friendly, interesting people who all seemed just as nervous to be there as I was. You guys! I might actually make new friends! Today we had a full (FULL) day of curriculum overview and info sessions, and for the first time, I started to get excited about starting school.

I'm a little bit over the jam-packed orientation activities and ready to just get started already, but at least things are looking more manageable than they were the past couple of days.

One not-so-good thing: I got a call from the pain specialty clinic in Big Northern City where I've been trying to schedule an appointment, and their next available appointment is in January. So, that was a bummer. Was really hoping to get some relief before then.

Hope everyone is having a great week.