I want to post, but am not really sure what I want to say. I've been in kind of a strange mood the past few days—not depressed or angry or suicidal or anything, just strange. My mom left town yesterday, so I'm back on my own. For the entire time she was here, I was craving my privacy and counting down the days until I'd get it back. But now that she's gone, I miss her.
Things are sort of in a holding pattern at the moment. I'm waiting on test results from my doctor, and I'm waiting for school to start in a couple of weeks. Can't really say that I'm excited or nervous or stressed or anything, but to be honest I'm not feeling a whole lot of anything right now. Sort of ambivalent, I guess. I'll be happy to be a student again, and have more structure to my days.
At the same time, it's hard to imagine starting school. I feel totally disconnected from the world around me. I don't know how to talk to my friends anymore. My phone is usually buzzing nonstop and I am constantly tapping out texts and e-mails and checking my calendar, but lately I've just been putting my phone on silent and forgetting about it. It feels like I've drawn a line in the sand: I am not the same as everyone else. Because I'm still hurt, and because I don't have anything figured out, and because of what I did.
Like I said, I'm not depressed. Just a little bit pensive, a little bit lonely, and little bit sad. I'm trying to make sense of what happened, and where to go from here, and how to make it all mean something.
It sounds like the way you're feeling makes a lot of sense in light of what you've been through. Of course you need some time to process what happened and figure out your next move. And I can understand this, too: "It feels like I've drawn a line in the sand: I am not the same as everyone else. Because I'm still hurt, and because I don't have anything figured out, and because of what I did." I can relate to that "different" (or, for me, "messed up") feeling, and I know it must be especially intense for you right now. You've just had a dramatic, harrowing experience that must have felt something like a turning point . . . except you're still looking for solutions and still dealing with the same old chronic pain. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteCan you force yourself to reach out to a friend? Even if you don't want to talk about what's been going on, a little distraction might make a big difference. (Kind of a banal suggestion, but hey, it's what I got.)
Thank you. My "different" feeling is also very much a "messed up" one, which makes things pretty lonely. Sorry you are feeling that way as well. And it's not a banal suggestion at all! The best thing I can do to pull myself out of a funk is to be with friends, which I KNOW but still avoid when things get tough. Thanks for the reminder, hope you are dong well.
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