I was anticipating a pretty lame session with R this morning, since they've all been pretty lame lately and I was feeling pretty lame going into it. Just not in the mood to get therapized, you know? A couple weeks ago, I was all ready to give up on R and quit therapy for a while. But today went okay, surprisingly, so I guess I'll keep at it for now. We spent most of the time talking about meal plan stuff, and about how I won't increase it because the calories are too scary. Boo on calories. Really wishing I'd never heard of them in the first place. Nutrition label-free world, anyone? Actually no, never. I'd have a nervous breakdown.
What else? Oh, we also went over this list about what I want when I'm "not sick anymore" and even though I'm doing way better on the food front than I was a few months ago, it was kind of demoralizing to see how not far I've come on the mental/emotional side. I know I shouldn't have expected the anorexic mindset to melt away in eight weeks, but it would be nice to see some progress. I'm still completely and utterly consumed by thoughts of my weight and calories. I still eat an incredibly limited (variety-wise, not quantity-wise) diet. I still count/measure/tally obsessively. I still get incredibly anxious about social eating. I don't eat spontaneously. I don't eat according to hunger cues. And I don't have a shred of self-esteem, body image or otherwise. In fact, my body image is a hundred times worse now than it was back in May when my weight was X lbs lower than it is now and R told me to gain asap or I'd land my butt in treatment.
R keeps telling me that all the mental stuff will start improving once I'm around 95% of my ideal body weight, which scares me because I don't think I can manage getting to 95% with my mind still like this. I told him how scared I am about the weight coming on so quickly, and he pointed out the fact that my rate of gain has in fact been painfully slow. Well, darn you, R! It feels fast!
Funny unrelated text conversation with Mama Bear (fyi my mom is a teacher) this morning regarding my ripped physique and brute animal strength:
Mom: I need your help, K! I'm moving into my new classroom today.
Me: You mean you need my superior musculature?
Mom: Oh, honey. No.
Um whats a nutrition label...? lol
ReplyDeleteSorry to here you're mentally struggling, but don't get down on yourself! Clearly you are making some type of progress which is great.
Try taking small steps on some of your goals. Maybe picking one thing not to measure a day, something easy and see how that feels.
When I make goals they die off and I seem to just forget about them. Recently I started reading them every morning for a little motivation or "reminder." So maybe try that too.
Best wishes<3
I'm glad the session with R was better! I hope that continues!
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling discouraged about the goals you've set. I know it can be really hard to feel stagnant, despite wanting things to be better. May I just say, though, that we are the last to see growth in ourselves. I've definitely seen you have some major accomplishments! I mean, I'm so impressed by the way you really fought through the exercise stuff a while back, and how you've been challenging yourself to eat out more lately. The feelings might be rough and still really painful, but you're doing these things anyway, which is awesome. There's a cliche out there in another recovery community that says "suit up, show up, and the feelings will catch up." I know it's hard to be patient about the emotional side of things improving, but I really think they will. Hang in there, you can do this!
And I love the text conversation with your mom, such a cute exchange!
Hi Kaylee! I'm still not sure how to write an independent comment on Blogspot as a Wordpress user, so I'm going to comment by replying to a comment that somebody already left :)
DeleteI think R is totally right about your emotions and thinking patterns improving once you are 95% of your ideal weight. I have actually experienced a bit of clear thinking lately, and I believe it is a result of me (randomly...out of nowhere!) allowing myself to eat more "junk" food, to snack more often, and to eat different things. My weight has gone up a few pounds, and when I weigh myself, I automatically think about how to lose those few pounds...but when it comes down to eating when I am hungry, somehow the rational thoughts are winning more often, and I feel less guilty about eating - even when I'm not hungry. I can't say that I do this effortlessly; it's extremely mentally trying at times, but I must say that I have noticed the ability to "get over" these irrational, guilty thoughts that I have after eating, much quicker now that I've expanded my nutritional repertoire and gained 2-3 pounds. I'm not sure if it has to do with being less rigid with the kinds of food that I eat, or if the 2-3 pound weight gain actually contributes to healthier thoughts patterns, but I'll take what I can get!
You sound like you have been doing much better in recent months, and I am so happy to hear that! Hope you continue your therapy with R...even though it might not seem like it, it really sucks not having a therapist to vent to on a regular basis. Once I moved out and started living/working on my own, I unfortunately had to give up my therapy, and I certainly miss that outlet!
Take care!
Alli
Just wanted to add to what everyone has said re: emotions changing *after* the weight restoration happens.
ReplyDelete[[And also this: I am patently incapable of writing a short anything. sorry! When I applied to schools and had a 300 character limit for some sections, I almost died.]]
Would it be easier for you to make/focus on goals that aren't feelings based? For me I got really frustrated that I still HAD to focus on eating enough, that I couldn't just eat whatever, go out to dinner impulsively, figure out what to eat if plans changed etc, and I kept getting pissed at myself for not being flexible in early recovery. It was easier to focus on concrete goals like not going to bed hungry, following my meal plan, trying one scary thing a week, not exercising more than x-amount, or not exercising through pain, etc. And these seemed like really stupid goals, bc no other 19 y/o I knew was focusing on life fulfillment through extra bedtime snacks of granola. But it helped, because even if I wasn't feeling headwise better, I was feeling good about reaching goals.
And it's been two years since I've been in intensive treatment/since my last major relapse, and I can't even begin to list how much things have changed, and they didn't change necessarily bc they were my goals-- I think they just changed bc I got fed in a constant way and my brain got a whole lot better. I really hope you don't use those goals as some sort of metric to beat yourself up about how little progress you've made.
I think most of the really important core parts of recovery aren't things we notice overnight or in a summer's time-- I think you make tons of boring & painful & tear-laden progress and then one day you do something that used to be impossibly hard like it was nothing...all these things add up until the ED takes up so much less space, you'll wonder how you ever managed your life with it there at all. At least that's the sappy, gooey, stage that I'm at in my life right now.