I was anticipating a pretty lame session with R this morning, since they've all been pretty lame lately and I was feeling pretty lame going into it. Just not in the mood to get therapized, you know? A couple weeks ago, I was all ready to give up on R and quit therapy for a while. But today went okay, surprisingly, so I guess I'll keep at it for now. We spent most of the time talking about meal plan stuff, and about how I won't increase it because the calories are too scary. Boo on calories. Really wishing I'd never heard of them in the first place. Nutrition label-free world, anyone? Actually no, never. I'd have a nervous breakdown.
What else? Oh, we also went over this list about what I want when I'm "not sick anymore" and even though I'm doing way better on the food front than I was a few months ago, it was kind of demoralizing to see how not far I've come on the mental/emotional side. I know I shouldn't have expected the anorexic mindset to melt away in eight weeks, but it would be nice to see some progress. I'm still completely and utterly consumed by thoughts of my weight and calories. I still eat an incredibly limited (variety-wise, not quantity-wise) diet. I still count/measure/tally obsessively. I still get incredibly anxious about social eating. I don't eat spontaneously. I don't eat according to hunger cues. And I don't have a shred of self-esteem, body image or otherwise. In fact, my body image is a hundred times worse now than it was back in May when my weight was X lbs lower than it is now and R told me to gain asap or I'd land my butt in treatment.
R keeps telling me that all the mental stuff will start improving once I'm around 95% of my ideal body weight, which scares me because I don't think I can manage getting to 95% with my mind still like this. I told him how scared I am about the weight coming on so quickly, and he pointed out the fact that my rate of gain has in fact been painfully slow. Well, darn you, R! It feels fast!
Funny unrelated text conversation with Mama Bear (fyi my mom is a teacher) this morning regarding my ripped physique and brute animal strength:
Mom: I need your help, K! I'm moving into my new classroom today.
Me: You mean you need my superior musculature?
Mom: Oh, honey. No.