Today I had an appointment with my dietician and I burst into tears again! What is wrong with me and why am I such an unstable freak? The stupid part was, I wasn't even really upset about dietary stuff—I'm doing relatively well with the meal plan, drinking Boost and eating snacks and all that. According to weight alone, I am very nearly "not anorexic" anymore (HAHA). I've restored pretty much all the weight I lost in my most recent slip, which started back in the spring.
But now I've got some non-ED stuff going on that is really stressing me out and getting me down. At the moment, starvation/overexercise/malnutrition are nowhere near my biggest health issues. In fact, I'm finding myself wishing that weight gain and bad body image were the only things I had to deal with right now. Suddenly, it all seems pretty trivial to me. When I sat down in J's office today and we started going over my meal plan, there was so much else weighing on my mind that the prospect of having to sit there and talk about calories and fats and grain servings seemed pretty pointless and dumb. I can deal with feeling fat, you know? This other stuff–I can't cope with it. J asked whether I'd rather add an extra carb to dinner or tack on another Boost to my evening snack, and it all just seemed trivial. So I started to cry.
Okay, backtracking: I don't mean to say that EDs are trivial at all. The agony of eating disorders, mental and physical, is immeasurable and I would never suggest otherwise. But having chronic nerve pain all the fucking time, and being told that it can't be cured and it's something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, makes me wish I'd taken care of myself better before things got this bad.
Sorry guys, just needed to let it out. I'm being grumpy and sad today, it'll pass.