Today I had an appointment with my dietician and I burst into tears again! What is wrong with me and why am I such an unstable freak? The stupid part was, I wasn't even really upset about dietary stuff—I'm doing relatively well with the meal plan, drinking Boost and eating snacks and all that. According to weight alone, I am very nearly "not anorexic" anymore (HAHA). I've restored pretty much all the weight I lost in my most recent slip, which started back in the spring.
But now I've got some non-ED stuff going on that is really stressing me out and getting me down. At the moment, starvation/overexercise/malnutrition are nowhere near my biggest health issues. In fact, I'm finding myself wishing that weight gain and bad body image were the only things I had to deal with right now. Suddenly, it all seems pretty trivial to me. When I sat down in J's office today and we started going over my meal plan, there was so much else weighing on my mind that the prospect of having to sit there and talk about calories and fats and grain servings seemed pretty pointless and dumb. I can deal with feeling fat, you know? This other stuff–I can't cope with it. J asked whether I'd rather add an extra carb to dinner or tack on another Boost to my evening snack, and it all just seemed trivial. So I started to cry.
Okay, backtracking: I don't mean to say that EDs are trivial at all. The agony of eating disorders, mental and physical, is immeasurable and I would never suggest otherwise. But having chronic nerve pain all the fucking time, and being told that it can't be cured and it's something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, makes me wish I'd taken care of myself better before things got this bad.
Sorry guys, just needed to let it out. I'm being grumpy and sad today, it'll pass.
I really keep meaning to look into studies w/r/t chronic pain & EDs. I deal with it, and a non insignificant seeming number of women I know from treatment deal with it too. I swear not eating has a distinct analgesic effect. I mean, being really f'ing tired and dizzy, maybe the body just doesn't care to tell you that you're in pain too? Triage?
ReplyDeleteYou're still young, and I really hope you'll keep seeing eighty bajillion doctors until someone can help you. I *had* chronic pain, muscle wasting, other things that I was basically told were either a)surgically modifiable-- ie: may get somewhat better but not curative or b)chronic and I would learn to deal with it with different pain meds/antidepressants. I'd forgotten how AWFUL that made me feel until reading your post. I obviously don't know anything about your situation and I'm not discounting what your doctors are saying now [or the possibility that what mine told me all those years ago was true to the best of their knowledge, or very likely to be true] but I hope that you can find someone to work with you who is hopeful about the possibility of reducing or eliminating your pain.
Walking around everyday in pain is terrible. It's mood altering, appetite altering, mind altering [oh, the semester I opted to take exams on narcotics/in searing pain? worst idea ever] and you're just not yourself. There's a lot of research on pain management [which always depressed me-- I wanted it gone, not managed] and that sorta thing now.
I hope your in a city/area that has enough hospitals/research centers that you can find someone good to help you through this.
JS, thank you so so much, I cannot even express how much better this made me feel. I'm sorry you've experienced chronic pain as well, and glad you have found some relief. I feel the same way you did - I just want it GONE, not managed. I know that the problems started during a pretty bad ED relapse and I want to believe that restoring nutrition and weight will help. Trying to stay positive and not assume the worst—thanks for helping me see that side of it. I really hope things are going well for you!
DeleteOh, the point that I failed to make [posting on phone ha] is that my pain is basically, entirely GONE. I did one particular sport a year ago and had that same searing, electrical pain [which went away after not doing said sport-- I can live without one sport, it wasn't even my favorite...]. But it wasn't until I was in that much pain again that I realized the simple wonderful fact that I am not in *any* pain on a day to day basis. Occasionally I'll tweak it from sitting too long in the same position or not doing my regular PT exercises for too long [basic stuff, stretching-- yoga/swimming also suffice] and remember again what it was like to be in that much pain and then I'll be extra diligent. But I am *so* much more painfree/functional than I would have hoped for. It's really a wonderful thing. And some petulant latent teenager part of me feels the need to say I TOLD YOU SO to the docs I saw all those years ago, but mostly I'm just very, very content with how things are. Hang in there.
DeleteFirst of all, you are not a freak. You are dealing with some tough shit right now, ED and otherwise, and that would (and DOES, you are not alone) make anyone cry at inopportune times.
ReplyDeleteAlso, JS is right, often a part of recovery is this weird kind of emotional surge that comes up, as if the starvation/abuse had been bottling it. I literally went years without shedding a tear when I was at my Ed-worst, and every time I get close to target weight I cry at the drop of a fucking hat (poor hat!). Once again, you're not alone, you're in fact very normal in this regard, it's just that the norm sucks.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're dealing with some tough things. Never hesitate to reach out if it's something you don't want to discuss on the open interwebs. Someone that I'm close to is dealing with sciatica right now, and nerve issues like that without definitive solutions or end-dates can be very scary and frustrating. I'm sorry, Kaylee. Do remember that no news (ie not knowing if it will go away) does not definitely mean bad news, but I know uncertainty is pretty hard to deal with and I absolutely hate that you're in pain even for a minute. I wish there were adequate words to comfort someone in that kind of situation but I don't know if there are...you are an amazingly strong person that means so much to so many people, hang in there and take it a day at a time.
Thinking of you and sending support your way.
Hi Cammy, thank you so much! It's really scary and depressing, but you're right - a lot of stuff is still up in the air right now, and things could definitely turn around. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's sciatica, that sounds horrible. Best of luck to him/her in finding a solution.
DeleteI'm so sorry things have been rough. It's hard when it all comes together at one time and just hits like a tidal wave. You're not at all a freak or unstable for crying, I think that's totally normal. And it's good to vent what you feel, both with J and with us readers! It's so hard when the ED-stuff piles on top of even more challenging issues. I really hope there's a treatment option that works for you and eases the pain. I'm sure it's so frustrating. Hopefully when your body get healthier and can stabilize there for a while, the other medical problems will subside. I'm so impressed by how you keep moving forward and being an amazing person in the face of such difficulties. Truly, you are one strong, resilient, caring individual.
ReplyDeleteQuick side note: don't lose hope about the nerve pain--sometimes I think doctors say that to cover their asses. I really hope you can find someone with a solution for you. Hang in there!
Thank you Alie, that means a lot. I think you're right about the doctors, so I should probably keep that in mind instead of getting really down about everything. I am still hopeful that things will improve as I get weight-restored, hopefully that will make the difference.
DeleteHey there,
ReplyDeleteI can identify a lot
I have regained some weight recently and it feels all wrong
My body has started to recover but my mind is still very sick and so far behind.
I think people assume that because I've gained some weight that I must be better but the truth is I was justas sick at 77lbs as I was at 130 lbs.
Good luck with every thing x
You are so strong Kaylee! I think it's defiantly normal to be super emotional during this point in recovery. It sucks, it really does, but it won't last! I envy where you're at and it truly gives me modivation to reach this point sooner! I want this so bad and I know you do too! I hope you can push past this and live the happiest of all lives because you deserve it!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad about your emotions. Everyone goes through them, even those who have not had an ED in the past. You'll come out of this phase sooner than you know. You are a tiger in the face of these trying times!
ReplyDelete