Sometimes I sit down to write a blog post and then keep getting distracted by, like, life! It's been a busy few days - out on Friday night, dinner with my aunt and uncle last night, and shopping/errands/work today. Some friends and I are going out to a restaurant tonight, which means that again, I will have eaten out three times in three days. I would be lying if I said it didn't stress me out a whole lot, but I'm going with it. Tonight I'm seeing a girl I haven't hung out with in a long time, and it was great to hear from her again and be reminded that I'm not actually a total loner island all the time. So, I can deal with restaurant food for that.
Like I said earlier, I skipped therapy this week and actually felt better for it. I'm not dropping out of treatment or anything, but the break felt needed. Maybe I'll talk to R about scheduling appointments every other week for a while and see how that goes. I have a feeling he won't be thrilled, but I think it's ultimately my decision. Plus, he's expensive.
I did see J on Friday, which was both helpful and frustrating. Helpful because she pointed out a lot of places in my meal plan where I cut corners and therefore could easily bump up my calories; and frustrating because she pointed out that even when I think I'm really pushing myself in challenging food situations, I'm still cutting corners and falling short with alarming regularity. I just can't get my mind around how much food she wants me to eat - like, I assume she can't actually be serious when she writes it all out and hands it over. I just get so scared to change anything and I can't make sense of it. It's just food, you know? Why do I have such a mental block there?
Many, many thanks to everyone for all the kind words. I probably should be clear that even though I'm still making lots of mistakes, I am still moving forward in recovery and doing worlds better mentally and physically than I was even just two months ago. The constant weighing and calorie-counting are definitely major, chronic problems for me that will need to be addressed more aggressively some day, but right now I am still able to make progress and take care of myself in spite of them.
P.S. If anyone was wondering about my TV show situation, which I'm SURE you all are, I stumbled across The Killing on AMC. The first scene was scary (shut up I'm wimpy) but so far I'm a fan.