Sometimes I sit down to write a blog post and then keep getting distracted by, like, life! It's been a busy few days - out on Friday night, dinner with my aunt and uncle last night, and shopping/errands/work today. Some friends and I are going out to a restaurant tonight, which means that again, I will have eaten out three times in three days. I would be lying if I said it didn't stress me out a whole lot, but I'm going with it. Tonight I'm seeing a girl I haven't hung out with in a long time, and it was great to hear from her again and be reminded that I'm not actually a total loner island all the time. So, I can deal with restaurant food for that.
Like I said earlier, I skipped therapy this week and actually felt better for it. I'm not dropping out of treatment or anything, but the break felt needed. Maybe I'll talk to R about scheduling appointments every other week for a while and see how that goes. I have a feeling he won't be thrilled, but I think it's ultimately my decision. Plus, he's expensive.
I did see J on Friday, which was both helpful and frustrating. Helpful because she pointed out a lot of places in my meal plan where I cut corners and therefore could easily bump up my calories; and frustrating because she pointed out that even when I think I'm really pushing myself in challenging food situations, I'm still cutting corners and falling short with alarming regularity. I just can't get my mind around how much food she wants me to eat - like, I assume she can't actually be serious when she writes it all out and hands it over. I just get so scared to change anything and I can't make sense of it. It's just food, you know? Why do I have such a mental block there?
Many, many thanks to everyone for all the kind words. I probably should be clear that even though I'm still making lots of mistakes, I am still moving forward in recovery and doing worlds better mentally and physically than I was even just two months ago. The constant weighing and calorie-counting are definitely major, chronic problems for me that will need to be addressed more aggressively some day, but right now I am still able to make progress and take care of myself in spite of them.
P.S. If anyone was wondering about my TV show situation, which I'm SURE you all are, I stumbled across The Killing on AMC. The first scene was scary (shut up I'm wimpy) but so far I'm a fan.
I'm so impressed by the way you've been facing your fears and working at eating out! That's so wonderful! I hope you had a nice time with your friend! I'm sorry to hear that the appointment with J was sort of frustrating. It's really hard to get past those fears about the volume of food. Maybe the same mental strategy that you've been using about eating out can help with the meal plan. Sort of a close-your-eyes-and-just-do-it over and over again until it feels less scary and uncomfortable. I know you can do it!
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