Today was one of my co-workers' last day at work, so a few of us went out for a farewell lunch. Of course, I spent the morning stressing and freaking out and secretly trying to look up the menu online (what kind of restaurant doesn't have a website these days? What century is this??) and then eventually just went and ordered and ate. And it was good. Granted, I had a pretty safe item that fell almost within my comfort zone - not a salad, I'm proud to say, but nothing too adventurous. Although it was bigger than my usual lunch, it probably didn't put me too far above my usual calorie baseline. Semi-victory?
But now I'm feeling incredibly gross and fat and icky. Trying to just sit with it and not get too down on myself, even though I'm having major post-meal guilt. Someday this will pass... I am getting really fed up with all my brainpower going towards feeling miserable.
Speaking of frustrations - major frustrations with R at therapy yesterday. We started off on a bad note because he made some comment (don't remember the exact quote) basically implying that the reason I have so many health problems is because I refuse to practice self-care and I deliberately self-sabotage. I honestly don't want to get into it because the context is too complicated to explain and it will just make me grumpy, but suffice it to say that I was pissed. His arguments were bullshit and completely misjudged my mindset. I tried explaining my feelings to him, but for some reason we just didn't connect at all. So then I clammed up, shut down, and withdrew. Not looking forward to my appointment next week.
This was super negative. Some positives from my week so far:
- The maintenance man FINALLY came and fixed the five million things broken in our apartment.
- One of my best friends is coming down to hang out tomorrow night.
- Work is going great. Even though I'll only be at my internship for a few more weeks, I'm hoping to stay in touch with my bosses during the school year.
- Peanut butter has lots of fat and calories and is totally J-approved and tastes delicious on everything.