Confession #1: I cancelled my therapy appointment with R today. He pissed me off last week and I really didn't feel like going back. Sometimes I feel lost without therapy and really want someone to talk to - but right now, I don't know, I just don't feel like it. I'm getting a little therapy-ed out, and I'm not convinced it's making me feel any better.
Confession #2: Every morning, I do the following: walk into the kitchen, turn on my coffee maker, walk down the hall to the bathroom, pee, wash my hands, and step on the scale. But that's not the real confession. The real confession is that I've recently discovered if I step on and off the scale (it's digital) three or four times, the number eventually drops a few ounces. So now, my morning routine has evolved into this: turn on my coffee maker, go to the bathroom, step on the scale, step off, step on, step off, step on, step off...and I keep doing that until the drop happens. Then I can breathe again, and start my day.
Confession #3: Those few ounces have become VERY important to me.
Confession #4: My dietician J e-mailed me yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. I wrote back that I'm doing "great" and "really trying to do the things we talked about last week" - which included hitting a minimum of XXXX calories per day.
Confession #5: I have not made it to XXXX calories even once this week. Not one day. I'm always close, but never there.
Confession #6: I am feeling really really really really fat and don't know if I can take those feelings getting any worse. A variety of people/situations are triggering the hell out of me right now and I'm not sure how to handle it.
That's all for now. I could probably write pages and pages of confessions (ED and non-ED) but you guys don't get to read about ALL the salacious juicy details of my life, sorry!