Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Confession #1: I cancelled my therapy appointment with R today. He pissed me off last week and I really didn't feel like going back. Sometimes I feel lost without therapy and really want someone to talk to - but right now, I don't know, I just don't feel like it. I'm getting a little therapy-ed out, and I'm not convinced it's making me feel any better.

Confession #2: Every morning, I do the following: walk into the kitchen, turn on my coffee maker, walk down the hall to the bathroom, pee, wash my hands, and step on the scale. But that's not the real confession. The real confession is that I've recently discovered if I step on and off the scale (it's digital) three or four times, the number eventually drops a few ounces. So now, my morning routine has evolved into this: turn on my coffee maker, go to the bathroom, step on the scale, step off, step on, step off, step on, step off...and I keep doing that until the drop happens. Then I can breathe again, and start my day.

Confession #3: Those few ounces have become VERY important to me.

Confession #4: My dietician J e-mailed me yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. I wrote back that I'm doing "great" and "really trying to do the things we talked about last week" - which included hitting a minimum of XXXX calories per day.

Confession #5: I have not made it to XXXX calories even once this week. Not one day. I'm always close, but never there.

Confession #6: I am feeling really really really really fat and don't know if I can take those feelings getting any worse. A variety of people/situations are triggering the hell out of me right now and I'm not sure how to handle it.

That's all for now. I could probably write pages and pages of confessions (ED and non-ED) but you guys don't get to read about ALL the salacious juicy details of my life, sorry!


  1. Totally get it, totally legit. But handle it by talking to J and R about it. Don't avoid!! You can do this! If you don't talk about it and you just keep feeling fat and narrowing your focus, you WILL end up going backwards. Don't back out when it feels bad... talk, talk, talk!!! Talking on this blog is GREAT.. now talk to R and J too! And get help with dealing with the people/situations that are triggering the hell out of you... And, if you want, write about them on here so we can help too. Don't let those situations and those ounces bring you down!

  2. First off, I think it's a really good thing that you're being brutally honest here, points for that! I gotta echo Laura, though, and say that the next step is definitely talking this stuff out with R and J. I'm so sorry to hear that the ounces have started becoming problematic, and that you're feeling so yucky. Those are so incredibly difficult, but you are such a strong, determined person--I know you can fight through it and come out happier and healthier. Hang in there!

  3. I agree with Laura and Alie! Kudos for your honesty--now share your honesty with your team. This sounds like a situation that you could easily turn around (I know you don't WANT to in this moment, but follow THAT thought and action for a while...if you do this more, you lose a lot of the progress you made this summer.) Remind yourself why you're doing this--what you were hoping for and what you were trying to get away from by starting recovery. The more you follow this path, the further you'll fall and then your work will become repetitive as you try to regain ground again. (Sorry for the pun--they're almost unavoidable.) The sooner you turn this around, the feels really good to be mad when you're feeling misunderstood and judged, and you can STILL be mad, but don't take it out on yourself.

  4. Checking in on you... how is today going?

    1. Hey Laura—you are wonderful. I'm doing better today, I think all the love and kindess and understanding has made a huge difference in my mindset! Things are tricky right now, but I'm hanging in there and trying to remind myself why I want all this in the first place. I'll write more soon, just wanted to pop in and say a big THANKS to you and everyone.

    2. Yeah, it's scarily easily to lose sight of why you want to do all of this in the first place. Sometimes, we can think ourselves in circles and still not really feel it. I've noticed, for me, behavioral change - even forced - is what can get me thinking differently. So, for example, if you just step on the scale only once tomorrow - and just force yourself to do it only once - and then recommit to doing that again the next day, and then recommit to doing that again the next day.... then you will get some momentum and you'll notice the ounces matter less. That's how it works for me anyway.

  5. Hey there,
    I've just found your blog
    I also cancelled my therapy appointment this week, I cancelled it to avoid the weigh in. I had to stop weighing myself because it was having such a bad effect on my life. If the numbers went down I would sky rocket in to euphoria, if they went up, I would spiral in to a black hole of depression.
    Those little numbers dictated my mood, my self esteem and self worth.
    I just had to stop.

    Wishing you every health and happiness in your recovery x