Thursday, August 30, 2012

School, Schmool

Almost through my first week of school! My schedule is massively different now than it was over the summer, which I am handling surprisingly well. I have enough breaks throughout the day that fitting in meals and snacks isn't really a problem, although I definitely struggled a bit the first couple of days with the uncertainty factor. But now, things are settling into place and I feel a lot better about things. I'm already stressed about my classes, but that's  a different story altogether.

I haven't seen my therapist or dietician in about two weeks now, just with the move and the schedule changes and everything. Actually, that's not entirely true—I probably could have fit in a session with R this past week, but purposely didn't. I'm feeling kind of "eh" about therapy right now and don't really feel like going anymore. Also a topic for another day. Anyway, I have an appointment with him tomorrow morning and I am NOT excited. Not scared or dreading it or anything, I just don't feel like going. I'm kind of over R. Maybe I need a new therapist.

Stuff with my dietician has been going better lately, except when I spontaneously melt down in her office, which may or may not have happened twice in the past month. Poor J, I don't think she's trained to deal with my wacky emotions. The past couple times I've seen her, she's been bugging me to go to an ED support group at Treatment Center. Part of me is intrigued, but mostly it sounds like a terrible idea. I already compare the size of my thighs to those of every person within a five-mile radius and am immensely triggered in the process—subjecting myself to an hour in a room with a bunch of fellow ED patients who are probably skinnier than me and are probably all doing the same comparisons just seems like more than I could handle at this point. Anyone had a good experience with groups?

In related news: my body image, in a word, sucksWhy do skinny girls seem to deliberately seek me out and congregate within my line of vision? I swear, they're everywhere. Especially at lunchtime.

On the other hand, my eating is fine. I actually upped my calories by a teensy bit over the past couple weeks entirely of my own accord—I had pretty much stopped gaining on the old amount, and found myself hungry for more. I KNOW. STOP THE PRESSES. So, after much hand-wringing and pacing and mental gymnastics, I calmly (haha...) concluded that the next logical step would be to up my meal plan. And the result? Not much, really. Mentally, I'm already used to the new amount and didn't have a whole lot of anxiety or self-loathing with regards to eating it. Since classes have started, I'm walking a lot and probably burning a whole heck of a lot more calories than I was a week or two ago, so the increased intake just makes sense, even to my warped brain.

Okay, lotsa work to do. Don't want to get behind the first week! This homework thing is really throwing me for a loop. Take care, everyone.


  1. I used to go to Narcotics Anonymous and found it very helpful, the support of the group was great.
    I also went to Food Addicts Anonymous for a while.
    I could identify with some but not all of the people. But yes, I would definitely recommend going to a group. My therapist tells me that we get well faster in a group than in one to one therapy.

    There is the possibility of being triggered at a meeting but I guess you have to weigh up is the group more of a help than a hindrance.
    It never hurts to try something once.

    Good luck x

  2. Hey, maybe the brain is getting ti be less warped?

    wrt group: at the major treatment places i've been to, you had to be above a certain weight, making progress in individual therapy, etc-- so if the group at the center you go to is anything like that it might be ok?

  3. I'm glad things are settling down with school! I'm so sorry about the body image stuff though. It's so hard when there are distorted perceptions and tons of new people that you see every day and start having the comparison thoughts. I find myself playing the comparison game too and it's just so painful.

    Congrats on boosting up the mealplan! It's so amazing that you were able to listen to your body and do what it was asking for. And amid the stress of moving and school starting, too! Way to go!