Right now, I'm doing SO well with food that I barely even recognize myself. I still obsess, I still count calories, I still don't always get in my Boost or meet the full dietician-mandated meal plan; but I am doing better than I have in over a year and have no intentions whatsoever of turning back. When I wake up in the morning, I just know that I will eat and that it will be okay—can't even describe what a comfort and relief that is.
So it sucked when, at therapy on Friday, R basically outlined all the ways I'm failing, not following through, not inspiring confidence, and not recovering the right way. I don't feel like explaining the whole premise of our discussion because it's complicated and I'm lazy but basically, R thinks I'm doing a lot worse than I do. He seems to think I could change my mind about recovery any day now and go back to restricting and lose all the weight I've gained. He also thinks I'm gaining way too slowly and that it barely counts as gaining at all. We got into a stupid nit-picky argument about what qualifies as gaining (seemed pretty simple to me: my weight is higher every time I step on the scale—ergo, I am gaining weight) which left me rolling my eyes and wanting to punch something.
Then R said that it felt like he was talking to my eating disorder and not my real self. I put my foot down then and told him that I hate when people say that to me. My eating disorder is not a scheming little devil-man perched on my shoulder, or an abusive ex-boyfriend (sorry JS fans but I REALLY hate that book), or a sentient being of any kind. My eating disorder is an illness.
It's weird that while I think I'm doing great, R seems under the impression that I'm teetering on the edge of a very steep cliff. My weight is inches from healthy, my mind is clearer, I'm dealing with the bad body image (mostly) rationally, and I'm eating more calories per day than I have in over a year. Why, then, do I leave therapy feeling like a dysfunctional wreck of a human being? On Friday he even told me: "I don't think I'm doing much good by you." We just aren't on the same page. Guys, I think I need a new therapist. Not really sure how to go about doing that, since I don't exactly want to cut ties with Treatment Center. I love my ED doctor, my psychiatrist, and my dietician there, but R is the only therapist who takes my insurance.
Other than that, things are good. School's going well and I like my classes. Thoughts go out to anyone down south who got hit by Isaac, stay safe.