Thursday, September 6, 2012

Nattering Nabob of Negativity

That's what my mom used to say when my brother and I were kids and started whining about stuff: "You're being a nattering nabob of negativity!" I'm pretty sure she stole that phrase from somewhere, but I forget where. Anyway, it usually sounded silly enough to get Big Brother and I giggling away—problem solved! No more nattering.

I really hate subjecting you guys to a string of negative posts, but things are hard. Really, really wishing I had a better outlook right now. I just got off the phone with my mom after having a teary meltdown rational conversation about how it's not fair that my body's falling apart on me even though I'm feeding it Boost and peanut butter and Cliff bars and stuff, and how it's not fair that I'm porking up and getting near a healthy weight but my body still won't stop being lame and sabotaging me.

I recently started a neuropathic pain medication, which I'd been resisting for a long time because it sounded scary and you know how much I LOVE DRUGS. For a long time, I didn't want to believe that the pain wasn't some fluke thing that would just go away on its own. By the end of the summer, though, I was not coping well at all and my doctor convinced me to start on a tiny dose. It's been two or three weeks now, and no huge changes. I sleep a little better at night, and that's about it. My doctor (I'd give her an initial, but I can't imagine anyone reading can/wants to keep track of my elaborate medical team) said to increase the dose after a couple weeks, and now I'm waffling on whether or not to do that since I was hoping to stay on the lowest amount possible. This drug can supposedly cause weight gain and dry eyes at higher doses—two things I cannot handle right now. Although, I suppose I'm not handling the pain very well either.

Okay, negative nattering over. I met with my honors thesis advisor yesterday after class and even though I'm a little overwhelmed about the project, I'm really excited to work with him. He's one of those professors who's so brilliant it's scary. I get really intimidated talking to him because his IQ probably surpasses mine by about 50 points, but he's also super nice and down-to-earth. His office has lots of family pictures and about 8 bajillion books, which definitely earns him brownie points in my eyes.

Then I spent two hours tabling with the rest of the exec board for my honor society at a campus-wide fair thing we have every fall, which sounds lame but was actually really fun. Mostly because I spent the two hours not sitting at our table, but instead bouncing around to other tables. My table was boring! I even stole a Tootsie Roll from some other group's table. I plan to tell R first thing at my appointment tomorrow.

No matter how shitty my mood is, this video still cracks me up every time I watch it. It starts off a little slow but keep watching, it's totally worth it. The Gotye song used to make me want to claw my eyeballs out,  but now I giggle every time it comes on the radio.

Okay, I just watched it again and I'm feeling way better than when I started writing this. Happy Thursday!


  1. Sending you hope, faith, courage and a hug x

  2. I really like that phrase! I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I know it's incredibly difficult to have patience when you're working so hard at recovery, but your body isn't quite catching up. Hopefully the rest of your health will improve in time as your body "wakes up," the rest of your health will be restored. I know it's hard to wait, though. Keep up the awesome work, and I'm sure it'll happen!

    Great to hear about the thesis advisor; that can make all the difference in the world. The exec board meeting sounds like it was fun, too, and major congrats on the Tootsie Roll!