My dietician has been bugging me to have my pediatrician fax over my childhood growth charts for months now. Whoops, I kept forgetting to do that... Anyway, she thinks having my whole history will give her a better idea of where my final weight needs to be. Luckily, I had the same pediatrician from birth to age 19, so all my height/weight records were in the same place and it was easy to track them down once I actually remembered to do it. J and I went over them in my appointment today, which was pretty interesting. I basically tracked right along the XXth percentile for both height and weight as a kid (not counting the awkward pre-puberty growth spurt when I shot up in height and became this insanely awkward, gangly string bean child with oversized hands and feet for a year or two). Then puberty came and I had a small bump in weight, followed by the massive drop-off in seventh grade when my ED first started. I got back to my previous percentile line by high school, and stayed around there until my next big weight loss in college.
A couple good things about seeing my historical growth trajectory laid out: (1) It gave me further evidence that I am not, in fact, a blubbery obese whale. From a strictly medical sense, I have never been overweight in my life, and I weigh less now than I did at 13. In fact, I was at my lifetime high weight at 17, and have been well below that number ever since. And (2) It showed me that my body clearly wants to be back on that XXth percentile line. My weight was unbelievably consistent throughout every period of my life where I was eating sufficiently and not overexercising, but it's been a while. Gaining the weight that J wants is not going to put me into Fatty McFatso category; it will simply put me right back where I should be.
Some bad things: (1) J thinks I may have stunted my growth, since my height dropped off when I was 13, right around when my ED first started. Now, I might have just stopped growing then naturally since I'd first gotten my period a year earlier and was basically done with puberty anyway, but my height percentile from ages 2-13 show that I should have ended up a couple inches taller than I am now. No way to know for sure, I suppose, but I've gone through several long stretches with irregular/no periods, and have had osteopenia for years now—neither of which bodes well for my skeletal health. J mentioned that girls can really only grow bone until age 21...and I'll be 22 in less than two months. (2) It gave J further ammunition to insist on more weight gain. The initial target I've agreed to, and am sort of starting to accept in my head, is still below that XXth percentile line for my age and height, and is still below my lifetime high from almost five years ago when I was a healthy and happy high school junior. (3) I am so.not.okay with the big numbers. It doesn't make it any easier that I used to weigh XXX lbs at 17, because I felt fat when I was 17! I wasn't actively anorexic at the time and my weight was perfectly healthy (not underweight, not overweight), but I still hated my body with a passion. Of course I've felt fatter at lower weights while being devastatingly disordered in my thoughts and behaviors, but still. Not looking forward to going back there. Gaining weight sucks.
Other than that, J was chipper and lovely as always. She even gave me permission to eat ice cream sundaes with every meal if I feel so inclined!