I'm really sick of staring at my computer today, so this will be quick. Just wanted to report that I've pulled myself out of the horrible, dark, crippling depression that hit me late last week. I spent most of Thursday and Friday crying, like, literally nonstop. I cried on the phone to my mom, through the full hour with R, and later that night with my roommate. I seem to go through spells of this once a month or so. Eventually it turns into this endless loop and I am crying simply because I can't stop, and I can't remember why I started crying in the first place. Actually, that's not true; I know why I was crying last week, but it was nothing new and there was no reason for me to be so upset on that particular day. Does anyone else find that depression comes in waves or cycles like that? I swear, last Monday I was totally fine but by Friday, I was ready to jump off a bridge.
So, things are better now. Body image is pretty dismal but eating is okay. I am currently trying really hard not to get stressed out about my pain medication. I've gotten this idea in my head that it's going to make me gain weight, and I can't relax about it. (Not a totally irrational ED fear either, this particular medication has weight gain as a pretty well-documented side effect.) I don't know if it's a matter of increased appetite, which would be fine since my appetite sucks anyway, or some funky metabolism-slowing mechanism. I can say that I've been on it for a few weeks now and my weight has jumped a few pounds without me upping my intake. True, I do still need to gain a bit of weight, but not a huge amount and I don't want it happening outside my control. I keep trying to tell my self that you can't go from underweight to overweight overnight, that I won't wake up miraculously obese one day, and that quality-of-life is more important than the number on the scale.
Clubs and other school stuff are starting up again, which keeps me more engaged and less isolated. I also saw lots of my friends this weekend, which helped a ton. My social life is, um, a tad less vibrant than it used to be, but I'm trying really hard to stay in touch with people and not become a complete hermit. I do have some amazing friends and it would be a real shame not to take advantage of the time we have left together at school.
An exchange that made me smile last night:
Friend: (getting into my car) Does your car have a name?
Me: Yes! His name is XXXXX.
Friend: Hang on. (gets out of car and surveys it from the outside before climbing back in) You're right, he looks like a XXXXX.