Sunday, September 9, 2012


I'm really sick of staring at my computer today, so this will be quick. Just wanted to report that I've pulled myself out of the horrible, dark, crippling depression that hit me late last week. I spent most of Thursday and Friday crying, like, literally nonstop. I cried on the phone to my mom, through the full hour with R, and later that night with my roommate. I seem to go through spells of this once a month or so. Eventually it turns into this endless loop and I am crying simply because I can't stop, and I can't remember why I started crying in the first place. Actually, that's not true; I know why I was crying last week, but it was nothing new and there was no reason for me to be so upset on that particular day. Does anyone else find that depression comes in waves or cycles like that? I swear, last Monday I was totally fine but by Friday, I was ready to jump off a bridge.

So, things are better now. Body image is pretty dismal but eating is okay. I am currently trying really hard not to get stressed out about my pain medication. I've gotten this idea in my head that it's going to make me gain weight, and I can't relax about it. (Not a totally irrational ED fear either, this particular medication has weight gain as a pretty well-documented side effect.) I don't know if it's a matter of increased appetite, which would be fine since my appetite sucks anyway, or some funky metabolism-slowing mechanism. I can say that I've been on it for a few weeks now and my weight has jumped a few pounds without me upping my intake. True, I do still need to gain a bit of weight, but not a huge amount and I don't want it happening outside my control. I keep trying to tell my self that you can't go from underweight to overweight overnight, that I won't wake up miraculously obese one day, and that quality-of-life is more important than the number on the scale.

Clubs and other school stuff are starting up again, which keeps me more engaged and less isolated. I also saw lots of my friends this weekend, which helped a ton. My social life is, um, a tad less vibrant than it used to be, but I'm trying really hard to stay in touch with people and not become a complete hermit. I do have some amazing friends and it would be a real shame not to take advantage of the time we have left together at school.

An exchange that made me smile last night:
Friend: (getting into my car) Does your car have a name?
Me: Yes! His name is XXXXX.
Friend: Hang on. (gets out of car and surveys it from the outside before climbing back in) You're right, he looks like a XXXXX.


  1. While I'm so sorry to hear that things were so painful and dark, I'm really glad things are starting to pick up. And it's so good that eating is still ok despite the body image stuff. Yay! Hope you're able to get more social time in now that your friends are around! And that's really cute about your car :)

  2. I know those waves of being down can be really tough, glad you were able to soldier through it. I think that the swing up and down with mood can just be a need for some emotional release, that sometimes cascades out all at once...anyway glad you're feeling better.

    I know it's freaky to be on a medicine that might have side effects on your body, having things change without your "consent" can be a scary prospect. But hang in there and keep your head high. You don't deserve to be in pain, and since you had a weight gain goal to begin with, *if* the drug does cause a bit of that (big if, it's hard to disentangle those effects from normal progress in weight restoration, right?) I'm sure it won't just keep going and going forever. That is not at all to minimize or dismiss how frustrating it can be to see drug side effects of any kind, though, especially when it plays into pre-existing body image issues.

    It's fantastic that you've stuck to your meal plan, it sounds like you body is going through a lot right now and deserves all the TLC you can give it.

    I hope you have a good week, drop me a line if you get down.