Thursday, June 7, 2012

Not Sick Anymore

Reading back over my last post, I realize it may seem like I'm in a pretty low place. I'm not. Actually, I'm doing really well. I love my new internship, my apartment, my friends, my city, and my Starbucks. I do not love Boost, weight gain, or hormone reactivation zits, but alas, life goes on. Yesterday, I saw R and we had what was, I think, one of the best sessions ever. Seriously, I felt validated and motivated and inspired. It was awesome. Go R.

It started when R asked about my eating this past week, and I said in a tiny little voice that I had actually done damn good, and that I was maybe sort of feeling a little bit more cooperative. He asked me what had changed, since I've never really admitted to feeling cooperative at all before. Without really thinking about it, I heard myself say: "I don't want to be sick anymore."

To say that R was ecstatic would be an understatement. I think I thrilled the poor guy's socks off. He took my quiet, wimpy little assertion and ran with it. We made a big long list of things that I'll be able to say when I'm truly "not sick anymore." I want to write them all down before I forget, and share them with you guys as well.

1) eating enough to maintain a healthy weight (ahem as defined by R and J)
2) having regular periods (Yes, every month. I KNOW. How do people do it? Tampons are expensive.)
3) not counting calories or measuring food
4) able to eat spontaneously and socially
5) not obsessive about food and/or weight
6) little to no anxiety about food
7) able to cope with non-food-related anxiety without resorting to unhealthy behaviors
8) no chronic health issues relating to malnutrition
9) balanced approach to body image (aka even if body image sucks, being able to shrug it off and move on sans meltdown)
10) accepting of myself (not relating to body image)

Anyone have anything to add to the list? My OCD is quite pleased to have a nice even ten, but I'd welcome suggestions!

In other news:
- I love my internship. Have I said that already? Don't care.
- As of this moment, I've got a 10-day streak going of full Boost compliance
- My phone broke. Boo. I've only had a smartphone for about six months, and I'm already unsure of how I'm going to survive the rest of the day without it. HOW AM I GONNA CHECK MY E-MAIL IN THE GROCERY STORE? OR AT THE GAS STATION?

Okay, that's all for now. Happy Thursday!


  1. This is so awesome to read! It's great that you had such a good session with R and were able to come up with a concrete list of goals. Having something like that for motivation is so helpful.

    It's really great that you love your internship, I'm really happy for you. And congrats on the Boost compliance. Wonderful that you're sticking with it even if it's yucky. Keep up the awesome work!

  2. Haha I hope R did his socks knocked off, because you are a helluva lady that is totally going to beat this. So glad things are going well and that you're able to focus on the reasons why this really is worth it. It won't always be pleasant, but having a bad day or a few things bothering you doesn't mean you aren't still moving onward and upward. You rock.

    No emails at the gas station, egads! LOL just picking on you, I am *exactly* the same way. Hope your phone gets fixed soon!

  3. Proud of you. :-). A good attitude is half the battle. I am addicted to my iPhone too. It's awful if I an without it. My world is SO Internet centered and yikes! It's both good and bad. :-) you rock. Just sayin'.