After almost a month of Boost and meal plan increases, the number on the scale is finally starting to creep up. I know I've waxed poetic over the past few weeks about how much I want recovery and am frustrated by my body's lack of progress etc. etc. etc. but goddammit let's just be real for a sec, I hate gaining weight. It's not just about the body image, which admittedly had descended to new lows lately (even though, oddly enough, I remember feeling much more satisfied with my body in high school when I weighed double-digits more than I do now). It's more about the damn numbers and my damn obsession with them. They need to go up. When I really think about it, I even want them to go up, and have everything positive that comes along with that. It doesn't do anyone - least of all myself - a bit of good for them to go down. So why in the world does it drive me absolutely out-of-my-mind crazy with anxiety to see that I've gained X after a month of trying?
When R told me my weight on Thursday, he prefaced it by saying congratulations, and then: "I didn't think you would gain this week, and I had a whole spiel planned. Now I don't even have to give it!" And then, even though I tried real hard to be proud of myself and absorb all R's positive weight-gaining energy, I still started to feel pretty low about the whole thing. It's such a mixed bag of emotions. Gaining weight means I am taking real, concrete steps to getting healthier. That's a Very Good Thing. Regardless, the OCD side of my brain is not pleased.
Actually, R still gave me the modified version of his pre-planned spiel, which basically outlined the necessity of restoring weight before school starts up again in August. To which I initially agreed, and then flipped a shit when I realized what that meant. You want me to gain HOW much weight by WHEN!? With a completely straight face, R informed me that that meant yes, gaining XX pounds in a little over eight weeks. Deep breaths.
- I discovered College City Public Library this afternoon and totally got lost in a book for like three hours.
- My friend's co-worker made Turkish coffee for us last night. Why am I so cultured and grown up??
- Starbucks smoothies and frappuccinos are delicious (albeit pricey) alternatives to Boost.