After almost a month of Boost and meal plan increases, the number on the scale is finally starting to creep up. I know I've waxed poetic over the past few weeks about how much I want recovery and am frustrated by my body's lack of progress etc. etc. etc. but goddammit let's just be real for a sec, I hate gaining weight. It's not just about the body image, which admittedly had descended to new lows lately (even though, oddly enough, I remember feeling much more satisfied with my body in high school when I weighed double-digits more than I do now). It's more about the damn numbers and my damn obsession with them. They need to go up. When I really think about it, I even want them to go up, and have everything positive that comes along with that. It doesn't do anyone - least of all myself - a bit of good for them to go down. So why in the world does it drive me absolutely out-of-my-mind crazy with anxiety to see that I've gained X after a month of trying?
When R told me my weight on Thursday, he prefaced it by saying congratulations, and then: "I didn't think you would gain this week, and I had a whole spiel planned. Now I don't even have to give it!" And then, even though I tried real hard to be proud of myself and absorb all R's positive weight-gaining energy, I still started to feel pretty low about the whole thing. It's such a mixed bag of emotions. Gaining weight means I am taking real, concrete steps to getting healthier. That's a Very Good Thing. Regardless, the OCD side of my brain is not pleased.
Actually, R still gave me the modified version of his pre-planned spiel, which basically outlined the necessity of restoring weight before school starts up again in August. To which I initially agreed, and then flipped a shit when I realized what that meant. You want me to gain HOW much weight by WHEN!? With a completely straight face, R informed me that that meant yes, gaining XX pounds in a little over eight weeks. Deep breaths.
Unrelated miscellany:
- I discovered College City Public Library this afternoon and totally got lost in a book for like three hours.
- My friend's co-worker made Turkish coffee for us last night. Why am I so cultured and grown up??
- Starbucks smoothies and frappuccinos are delicious (albeit pricey) alternatives to Boost.
Congratulations! I know it's hard and so conflicting and our society making us constantly want to lose weight really doesn't help. But you're doing awesomely, keep up the good work, improve where improvements are needed and have fun back at college in August :D
ReplyDeleteCongrats on sticking with it even though it's hard! I know the feelings can be awful and overwhelming, but you can do it! I'm sure the weight that R wants you to gain seems daunting, but he truly does have your health in mind, and he wouldn't be pushing for it if it wasn't necessary. And who knows, maybe getting back into the swing of the fall semester will be smoother/better/etc. with a fully-nourished brain and healthy body. Keep up the awesome work!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, WOOHOO!!! I'm so excited for your progress. I know how conflicting it will be, but trust me, when you get into the higher numbers you will be so excited to go back to school that you won't really care as much as you think you might. I think the first few pounds are the hardest. Also, I agree about the Starbucks :) WAY better than Boost! It was the only thing on my meal plan that I looked forward to! Spend as much money as you need! (Consider me your neighborhood enabler!)
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