Feeling the Pressure

I'm in that weird place right now where my appetite is starting to wake up. Even if I've just eaten and still "should" be full, I'll get really unexpectedly hungry and shaky. Of course my brain is still not totally okay with adding unplanned calories, even when it's painfully clear that my body wants them. Unfortunately my body needs more food than my brain is prepared to give it at the moment, so I spend a lot of time agonizing over what/when/how much to eat. It's getting a lot easier to tell myself that adding food and weight is the point of the exercise, but it still feels completely unintuitive.

Another irritating paradox of eating disorders: when my weight goes down, my body image gets worse. In the last couple of weeks I was starting to catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or in storefront windows and realize, Oh. You aren't fat. Since then, though, my weight has edged downwards a tad and suddenly I am convinced that I'm a whale. How is that possible, you ask? To get smaller but feel bigger? If I had the answer, believe me, I'd tell you.

So yup, I lost a teensy bit of weight again this week, despite essentially doubling my calories over the past month. At therapy on Thursday, R made me stay to see one of the doctors on staff there because he was worried that I was medically unstable, or something dramatic like that. (I was fine.) Then he added another Boost to my meal plan and told me that if I haven't gained X lbs by July 15, I'm going to treatment. Pressure's on, I guess. I tried arguing with him that that's crazy because I'm eating well and doing SO much better mentally, but R wouldn't budge. According to him, it is not acceptable for me to be losing weight, regardless of the circumstances, and that it would be too scary for him to let it continue.

I pouted for a little while over that. I was afraid that R thought I was being a deviant little bugger by lying and pretending to care about recovery while actually continuing to restrict, business as usual. But then he said: "Kaylee, I believe you. But if in a month from now you're still doing everything you can and not getting better, then we need to get you more help. This isn't a punishment."

So, it's not really about just playing the game and following the rules anymore. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, but it's not enough, apparently. It's time to bite the bullet and make it work.

In other news, I'm getting really sick of Boost. I'm also sick of my beefed up weekly grocery bill. Has anyone ever made their own milkshakes with like ice cream and fruit and stuff? I'm thinking that might be a way to mix things up and save some money. I don't have a blender, but my roommate and I might go halvsies on a cheap one. Any smoothie/shake recipes or tips are welcome!