Saturday, June 23, 2012

Feeling the Pressure

I'm in that weird place right now where my appetite is starting to wake up. Even if I've just eaten and still "should" be full, I'll get really unexpectedly hungry and shaky. Of course my brain is still not totally okay with adding unplanned calories, even when it's painfully clear that my body wants them. Unfortunately my body needs more food than my brain is prepared to give it at the moment, so I spend a lot of time agonizing over what/when/how much to eat. It's getting a lot easier to tell myself that adding food and weight is the point of the exercise, but it still feels completely unintuitive.

Another irritating paradox of eating disorders: when my weight goes down, my body image gets worse. In the last couple of weeks I was starting to catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or in storefront windows and realize, Oh. You aren't fat. Since then, though, my weight has edged downwards a tad and suddenly I am convinced that I'm a whale. How is that possible, you ask? To get smaller but feel bigger? If I had the answer, believe me, I'd tell you.

So yup, I lost a teensy bit of weight again this week, despite essentially doubling my calories over the past month. At therapy on Thursday, R made me stay to see one of the doctors on staff there because he was worried that I was medically unstable, or something dramatic like that. (I was fine.) Then he added another Boost to my meal plan and told me that if I haven't gained X lbs by July 15, I'm going to treatment. Pressure's on, I guess. I tried arguing with him that that's crazy because I'm eating well and doing SO much better mentally, but R wouldn't budge. According to him, it is not acceptable for me to be losing weight, regardless of the circumstances, and that it would be too scary for him to let it continue.

I pouted for a little while over that. I was afraid that R thought I was being a deviant little bugger by lying and pretending to care about recovery while actually continuing to restrict, business as usual. But then he said: "Kaylee, I believe you. But if in a month from now you're still doing everything you can and not getting better, then we need to get you more help. This isn't a punishment."

So, it's not really about just playing the game and following the rules anymore. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, but it's not enough, apparently. It's time to bite the bullet and make it work.

In other news, I'm getting really sick of Boost. I'm also sick of my beefed up weekly grocery bill. Has anyone ever made their own milkshakes with like ice cream and fruit and stuff? I'm thinking that might be a way to mix things up and save some money. I don't have a blender, but my roommate and I might go halvsies on a cheap one. Any smoothie/shake recipes or tips are welcome!


  1. Haagen Daz isn't super cheap either, but when I was in hardcore regaining I found it much more palatable than boosts. I made milkshakes with the vanilla flavor + carnation instant breakfast/malt powder or 'smoothie' type things with frozen fruit + the strawberry flavor. Very energy dense [which is what I tell myself in lieu of saying calorie dense, because energy is what I need, for sure...calories I'm shakier on.]

    Also Carnation Instant Breakfast in general was easier for me-- cheaper to buy on amazon in bulk, easy to dump into a carton of milk when I was buying lunch at the cafeteria etc. Another thing one place I was at was big on was poptarts-- they're easy, also cheap if you buy them in bulk, and they're very portable. Malt powder in general or powdered milk tossed into smoothies or drinks is a good way to throw in extras. I had a hard time in refeeding because I needed a tremendous amt of calories but would feel volumetrically full way before I'd eaten enough-- so these suggestions are basically the ways that I worked out with my RD to get the cals in without having added bulk.

    It makes perfect sense that as your body is feeling more starved the ED thoughts kick it up a notch-- so paradoxical but for me was kinda a helpful realization of how non-based in reality my feelings of fatness were.

    Good luck with this.

    1. Hi JS! Thanks so much for the suggestions. I never would have thought of poptarts before, but that's actually a genius idea. I'm really glad you and your RD found so many creative ways to make it work. Hope you're doing well!

  2. The hunger thing is so hard! I definitely struggle with that as well, and it's just tough to get around, but it's good that your body is telling you what it needs.

    I'm so proud of you for continuing to follow the mealplan and Boosts, despite the frustration and high cost. The weight loss is hard, but I'm glad R is really looking out for your health first. I can completely understand not wanting to go IP, so it's a tricky one. Clearly your body isn't responding as it should to the increased food, but you mention that your mental state is better. I really hope your body catches up soon so that everyone (including you) feel better about your health status. Good luck to you!

    As for the smoothies, when I did my first round of WR (pre-relapses) I did a lot of protein powder and fruit smoothies, and I'm sure adding ice cream (maybe strawberry) would be delicious! The protein powder actually tasted fine, and I mixed it with raspberries, plums, grapes, strawberries, really any fruit that I liked, and I'm sure you could have some fun with different ice cream flavors. Keep us posted on your kitchen experiments!

    1. Thanks Alie! Yup, my body just seems a little flabbergasted by all the changes going on. I will definitely try to find some protein powder next time I'm at the store. Glad that worked for you! take care