My medication has turned me into a total insomniac. Most nights I fall asleep fine at first, but then I wake up a bunch of times throughout. I don't normally need a ton of sleep - probably about six hours, on average - but the three or four I've been getting lately is just not cutting it. I've had a constant low-grade headache for about three weeks now. My eyes started to rebel today as I tried to read something on my computer at work and I literally had to put my head down on my arms and take a mental time-out.
The upside to all of this? The medication is working. I feel so. much. better. Remember how fucking unstable I was four weeks ago? Not anymore. Things are good. Plus, I'm making real changes to get healthy. I actually eat real, substantial, wholesome foods now, and food gives you energy - who knew? I don't drag myself out of bed to run X miles before work despite feeling like I've been flattened by a truck. I am - gasp, wait for it - taking care of myself. Still sleep-deprived, but otherwise good.
I cancelled an appointment with my dietician this week. There's so much going on at work, and the thought of dragging myself down to her office was stressing me out. Plus, it's expensive. J isn't covered by my insurance and even though she's way cheaper than my old dietician, it's still a strain for my mom and dad to cover it weekly (even though they do, and keep telling me to shut up worrying about the cost. Somuchguilt.) I had just seen J last Tuesday, R on Thursday, and I'll be seeing R again this Thursday, so I figured I'd take a week off from dietary. Also I'm seeing my psychiatrist Dr. L on Friday, so J would have brought my appointment total up to THREE this week. Sometimes it feels like all I do is shuttle back and forth from Treatment Center. Did they stick me in IOP without telling me? Hmm...
Anyway, I wasn't looking forward to dietary anyway. I'm trucking along with the meal plan, but didn't quite fulfill all the goals J set last Tuesday. I've missed a few snacks and supplements lately. Not because I'm trying to restrict, but more because I'm struggling with challenging my rigidity over meal times, adjusting for changes, and making up missed/burned calories. I still way overthink what/when/how much to eat, even though I always fully intend to eat everything that I'm supposed to. It seemed like a waste of time to spend the 30 minutes with J trying to explain/justify/dissect why I wasn't able to do what she wanted in the first place.
Was any of that coherent? Basically A) Kaylee screwed up a little bit with the meal plan increases this week, but B) don't be mad because Kaylee didn't mean to restrict and feels bad about not following through, and C) Kaylee will stop talking about herself in the third person now.
So I'm relieved about having one less appointment on my calendar. My schedule was approaching the overwhelming point this week, and I needed a break from driving all over the city. And this should NOT be taken as a sign of wavering motivation or commitment to recovery - I'm still moving forward, even if my brain needs to be reminded of it at times. Besides, R will kick my butt later this week anyway.