Well, even with the most recovery-oriented intentions in the world, I can't seem to eat enough to put on weight. I saw J, my dietician today, and my weight is down again. I'd like to think J trusts me, but I guess I can't blame her for being skeptical when I promised that I had been following the meal plan and drinking Boost all week. Seriously guys, I did. I don't know why my body has decided to play this sick game with me. Really, the irony is not lost on me. After months of resisting the meal plan and turning up my nose at Boosts, I finally start trying to gain and I can't. Granted, I'm not eating an insanely high number of calories, but enough compared to my previous baseline that I should be gaining, not losing.
So once I persuaded J that I really had been compliant and wasn't lying to her, we had a long talk about funky refeeding metabolism antics. Interestingly, she told me that she often sees overweight patients who are restricting their intakes and can't lose weight - that they actually need to eat more to lose weight, just because their metabolisms have slowed down so drastically. I try to avoid overthinking my metabolism, but I suppose I should be happy that my body is actually waking up and responding to food. Still, the concept that eating more = weight loss just doesn't seem logical to me any way you slice it.
I was having a lot of mixed feelings about the whole thing. I mean, who wouldn't be thrilled to eat more and lose weight? It sounds like one of those ridiculous diet plan infomercials. And normally, I would be thrilled, except that I signed a contract three weeks ago agreeing to enter treatment if my weight ever dropped below a certain number - which, according to J, I am just barely above. She promised me that if I fall below that number while faithfully following her meal plan, then that's her fault, not mine, and that we would adjust the contract accordingly. Still, I hate that I am genuinely trying really hard in treatment for the first time in, like, ever - and still can't swing it!
To my mind, I'm making huge changes. I've switched to full fat yogurt. I drink X Boost Pluses a day. I cook with butter and oil. In the past week alone, I've eaten pizza and cupcakes and quesadillas. So no, the weight loss doesn't make sense, and it feels like I'm getting cheated. Every time I chug a Boost or scoop out my double-the-fat-and-calories Chobani, I feel gross and guilty but tell myself that it will be worth it. That it will make me better. That it will put an end to the pain and fatigue, to the constant eye infections, to the clumps of hair that come out in the shower every morning. But when I get on the scale, the number tells me I'm getting sicker, not better, and that the anxiety and disgust weren't worth anything.