It's been a while since I wrote a real juicy update, hasn't it? The last week or so has been quiiiite a roller coaster, you might say. For several days last week/weekend while at home, I was stuck in this intense hell-on-earth depression. No idea what triggered it, but I was crying nonstop and getting seriously unstable. I've definitely had bouts of depression before and had times where I cried lots, but not like this constant sobbing for days. Part of it was definitely just physical stuff - I'd been feeling crappy for a while and it seems like the health complications keep mounting. It's hard to be chipper when you're sick and hurting and generally unwell all the time.
By Tuesday or Wednesday of this past week, I was a total wreck. My mom couldn't figure out why the heck I was moping and wailing and dissolving into tears over and over day after day, and I couldn't explain it. She made me call R, which was mortifying, but then it actually made me feel a little better. I hadn't seen him in about a month, so it was kind of nice to be reminded that I actually do have a support system. Thursday was a travel day (boo planes and airports and suitcases) and then I had an appointment with him on Friday morning.
By that point, I was doing a little better and thus felt like an idiot for having called him in crisis mode two days earlier. But R, being the experienced professional that he is, talked me down from the aforementioned mortification and reminded me that it's okay to lose it sometimes, and that that's what he's there for, and that it doesn't make me a helpless, worthless loser. (Longest sentence ever?)
That was the good part. The bad part: I lost X pounds at home, which meant that we spent the rest of the session discussing why I fail at recovering from an eating disorder. He told me that he had attended a lecture at a conference earlier this month that reminded him of me (I'm one of his more difficult patients, apparently) and that he wanted to try a new strategy. Wait for it, guys - I had to sign a CONTRACT. Yes, I am now under CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT to a) gain back the X pounds I lost and b) follow my meal plan until I see him again. If I don't gain, I have to add an extra Boost every day for the following week. If I ever drop below a weight of XXX pounds in the future, I'll get admitted to a treatment program.
Then he got me an appointment with a psychiatrist in his office. Enter another member to my ever-expanding medical team - Dr. L. And you guys, I love her. I almost wanted to cry just because of how nice she was to me. My appointment lasted over an hour because she was so thorough, asking questions all about my history, my medical stuff, my moods and emotions, my friends, my family, my work with R and J, everything. We talked about medication and I explained about my problems with it before, and how I was really nervous to go back on something, and she was totally understanding and compassionate. I'm still really unsure and conflicted about the whole thing, but talking to Dr. L made me feel a lot better. She said: "You look sad, and I want to help you get better."
And I am still pretty sad. I'm struggling a lot not just with the food stuff, but with the emotional stuff too, and sometimes that's a lot harder. Things have been going a bit better since being back in College City for the past couple of days, but there's still a long empty weekend ahead. So, that's where I'm at now. Trying to keep my head above water and hang in there.