Wow, I had no idea the thirst thing was so common! I'm really sorry that so many of you guys have dealt with that - it's super annoying. But thanks for all the suggestions. My takeaway is basically: 1) drink lots of water 2) cut da Coke 3) get some bloodwork done. I actually had blood drawn back in January and everything was totally normal except for one majorly elevated liver enzyme. No one seemed very concerned and all my other results were completely fine, but I'll definitely ask my doctor about it the next time I go.
Since classes are over and exams are starting, it's been a really strange week. My mom is in town for a couple days to help me move, and the schedule change is messing with me. All semester, I've been pretty entrenched in my own food routine, so the variability this week combined with having my mom around is getting a little tricky. I was actually looking forward to using this week/weekend as sort of a trial run for my new sort-of commitment to variety and flexibility and all that, but of course after the very first lunch out with my mom today, I was so overwhelmingly guilty and disgusted with myself that I wanted to scrap the whole idea. I tried really hard to tell myself that it's okay not to eat the same thing every day, that restaurants are fun, that food is good, but yikes I was not in a good place. Later, we went to dinner at one of my favorite Asian restaurants with my friend and I had an awesome time, enjoyed the food, loved being there - but now I'm home and I feel fat and gross and am already trying to plot ways to get out of more restaurants over the weekend. I really hate that this is putting a damper on what should be a really happy and exciting time for me, and I really hate that I can't just enjoy meals out like normal people do.
Okay, this post has inspired me to add to my list of Things I Want When I Am Fully Recovered and No Longer Have a Stupid Eating Disorder:
- being able to eat in restaurants multiple days in a row - or multiple times a day, if so be the case - without freaking out and descending into a state of panic and despair and self-loathing
- choosing restaurants based on what I actually want to eat as opposed to which ones have the menus posted online, or which ones have salads
- being a normal daughter who can enjoy Mom Time, complete with Frappucinos and frozen yogurt
Other than the food anxieties, though, it's been a relatively good reading week. My biggest scariest paper is almost fully written. I already submitted another paper (due Friday) yesterday, and my last paper is due next Tuesday, but it will be finished before then. I have one last major exam on Monday, and then I'm DONE. So, still a bit left to do, but it's all getting done and I feel good about the status of things.
Good luck with the end of the semester, sounds like things are really winding down!
ReplyDeleteI love your list of things you want to do in full recovery, those are definitely things that would be enjoyable and freeing!
Congrats on trying to meet the challenge of variety head-on! Even though it came with some emotional ups and downs and not-so-fun feelings, it's great that you're committed to giving it a shot. Hopefully the more times you practice adding variety, the easier it will get, and the emotional intensity around it will decrease. Hope you have a nice time with your mom and good luck on the move!
You have some great goals! The first restaurant that I went to during my recovery that did not have an online nutrition list was a little breakfast/brunch/lunch place called "The Cookie Mill". I so wanted to eat a waffle again, so I ignored all "bad" thoughts and ordered one very large waffle as big as a dinner plate! I nixed the margarine, but I did have half of the little dixie cup of "maple" syrup. And, being the Cokkie Mill, I made sure to get one of their specialty cookies (huge). Oatmeal cinnamon sugar raisin! I had such a good time with my family and visiting grandparents, and was so happy I battered down my fear walls, that I promised myself not to deny myself of anything that I wanted at restaurants again! It was a lovely feeling. <3
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