Back home at my parents' house for a couple weeks until I head back to College City for the summer. I'm trying really hard to use this limbo period as an opportunity to shed some of my self-imposed, restrictive rituals. I'm looking forward to a mini-break from therapy and dietary appointments, just to get away from the constant pressure of treatment. My main goal of May is to chill the hell out about food, even just temporarily. So far, I guess it's a bit of a mixed bag:
- Most of my meals at home have been identical to what I eat at school. My mom tries really hard to make me feel comfortable, so she buys lots of "safe" foods when I come home. Good for my anxiety, not so good for challenging myself.
- Dinner was delayed by almost two hours last night (malfunctioning oven fiasco) and even though I was starving, I didn't let myself eat an extra snack to tide me over. Fail. By the time dinner was actually on the table, I was a hungry, cranky, hypoglycemic wreck.
- My mom and I ran some errands this morning and I spontaneously suggested that we stop for lunch at a sandwich place that she loves. Then I immediately felt guilty. I ate, but hated myself. I've been kicking myself all afternoon for not just coming home to eat my usual boring lunch.
- Walking around the mall earlier, we passed a Mrs. Field's counter giving out free samples of chocolate chip cookies and - drumroll please - I ate one. Then we passed a Pretzel Time, which was also giving free samples (these cinnamon/brown sugar soft pretzel nugget things), and I ate one of those too. Both are delicious foods that I used to love before anorexia hijacked my brain, but now I'm feeling guiltyguiltyguilty.
- I was supposed to be seeing friends for dinner tonight but we had to reschedule, and now I'm on my own (my parents are out). All the guiltiness from earlier is weighing really heavily on my mind and in my stomach but I will NOT let it force me to restrict. I WON'T. You can hold me to that.
And a final unrelated bit: I went to the dentist today for the first time in about seven years, oops... and he told me that my teeth look perfect. Whew, thank God at least one of my bodily systems has remained intact. Knock on wood. Unfortunately, he did recommend having a consultation with an oral surgeon about my wisdom teeth, which I might put off for a while. Something tells me that with all the health difficulties I've had over the last year, elective surgery would not be the wisest course of action right now.
Hope everyone's having a great week!
YOU DID IT!!! You broke a barrier when you had those samples at the mall, and when you spontaniously out of the blue asked your mom to go out to lunch, that's a sign that you WANT to get better! You are taking the initiative!!! I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteYou needn't feel guilty at all. It's tough at this moment, but just think: you were being good to yourself by listening to what your body wanted!
Wow! I'm so proud of you for being spontaneous and fighting the bad feelings about it and staying on track. That's so awesome and shows how your hard work is paying off around flexibility and listening to your body's wants and needs. The cookie and pretzel sound delicious, I'm so excited for you in taking this big step! I hope things continue to go well for you, even through the yucky feelings, and that you continue to challenge yourself and be awesome!
ReplyDelete