Tuesday, May 15, 2012

In the Future

I don't want to waste my two weeks of vacation bouncing from one doctor to another.

I don't want to spend Mother's Day obsessing over the calories in my steak instead of spoiling my mom.

I don't want to turn down a day in Big City with my brother because I'm too tired.

I don't want my gynecologist to tell me that I "have the hormone levels of a post-menopausal woman."

I don't want to watch my friends shoveling pasta and laughing and talking, and wonder why I can't be more like them.

I don't want to guzzle seltzer to fill myself up between lunch and dinner because the thought of choosing a snack is so fucking overwhelming I can't do it.

I don't want to waste another day feeling like crap.

I don't want to take up less space than I deserve.

I don't want to be a child.

I want to be healthy.

I want to eat.


  1. While it sounds like this list of wants and don't-wants comes from some painful situations lately (I'm really sorry to hear that!), I do think it's great that you're putting down in black and white the things you want for yourself. You deserve good things, happiness, and health (and to eat, of course!). It can be hard to acknowledge the things we want, because when we've deprived ourselves of them for so long, it's easy to pretend that they don't matter, or that we just don't want those things deep down. I applaud you because it takes guts to say "I want things to be different" and mean it. Saying it (or writing it) makes them real, gives these things life, and makes them goals. Good for you--you deserve all of the good things that you want, and I really believe you can have them!

  2. I know the kind of day it sounds like you had, and I can honestly tell you it CAN get better. Hang in there, Kaylee, thinking of you.

  3. Go! Do! Be fierce! Don't hold yourself back. THIS kind of sadness is the kind that fuels you to a better place. If you don't want it, you're one step closer to breaking free.