Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Personal Debrief

I'm writing this from a cafe in College City. Just left therapy and needed a place to just sit and breathe for a minute. I came really close to canceling this appointment because...I don't know, I just didn't feel like going. Last week, I had been to Treatment Center on Thursday (to see R) and Friday (to see my psychiatrist, Dr. L). The way my schedule worked this week, I'd had to schedule therapy for today, meaning there were only a few days between sessions. Now I'm just making excuses, but it really seemed like therapy overload in my head.

Plus I'd been feeling kind of low for a few days. Yesterday morning, I randomly burst into tears while getting ready for work. Back at home, I was crying several times a day, but this was the first time I'd cried in over a month. (Hey, it's progress.) Which would have been fine - normal people cry sometimes, right? Except that then I got weepy again as I was getting ready for bed. (Hmm...what is it about my personal grooming routine that seems to be so upsetting?) And again this morning. When I'm feeling crappy and sad, my instincts are definitely to withdraw and hole up by myself, so I was itching to call up R's secretary and make up some lie about being sick or having car trouble or something, but I took a deep breath and sucked it up and went to my appointment. And then, about five minutes after sitting down in R's chair, I burst into tears again.

I really hate crying. Well, let me modify that: I really hate crying in front of other people. I hate it A LOT. R was really sweet and wanted to know what was bothering me and what he could do to help, but of course I reverted into the silent, guarded version of myself and thus, R didn't get much out of me. And I wasn't trying to be difficult, I just really couldn't explain myself. I had done well with the meal plan, I'd had a good weekend, my job was still going well, but I was just still feeling sad.

I think I need to remember that the good parts of recovery aren't going to come all at once, and it isn't going to happen super quickly. There are still a lot of residual physical effects that sometimes make it hard to stay positive all the time, even though I swear that things are better than they've been in a LONG time. But I still get heart palpitations a few times a week, my hair is still falling out in clumps, and I'm still in a lot of pain. So that's discouraging. Getting myself healthy weight-wise will only help everything else resolve more quickly, but it's not going to happen tomorrow, and I need to be realistic about that.

Speaking of tomorrow - to everyone in the US, have a safe and happy 4th!


  1. Hate to hear that you had a hard day. The good news is that I think it's normal for people to have low, even weepy days, even when they're not in the process of recovering from an ED, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that you're not up to the challenge in the long run. The bad news is that those days suck no matter what your background situation is. :( I hope tomorrow is brighter for you.

    Kudos for being aware that recovery is a process, though, and it's necessary despite being a pain in the ass. You have a ton to be proud of, keep your head high and don't forget that you ARE in the process of beating this, it's in the present for you right now and that is awesome.

    1. thanks Cammy! Yup, bad days suck for everyone and I'm trying really hard not to get wrapped up in self-pity, while also keeping in mind that my brain/body have been through the ringer and could probably do with some kindness from yours truly. good to hear from you, hope you're doing well!