Hey everyone - hope it was a good 4th all around! Mine was...hot. Seriously, it's really hot here. Thankfully I'm not having to deal with this, and the A/C in my apartment works just fine, but downtown College City was stifling last night at the fireworks. Not to mention packed. Navigating the subways on our way home was absolute chaos, but we made it out alive. Barely. Just kidding. But it was really hot. Even though I'm now a total city person after living here for three years, the crowds were a leeeeeetle bit much last night - especially with all the sweaty, shirtless drunks. Mmmhmm God bless America.
Backtracking - I had kind of a rough morning yesterday. Er, I guess it was kind of a rough day in general. I got super emotional and upset pretty early on. No real trigger or anything, I was just feeling down. Every once in a while it hits me how tired I am - tired of hurting, tired of fighting myself all the time, tired of being sick and broken and sad. I holed up in my room for a while in the morning, trying to cry quietly and not draw attention to myself, but of course I ended up wandering out and spilling to my roommate eventually. I really hate being the unstable one, and I really hate admitting that I'm struggling and can't hold it together. But sometimes I just need to raise my hand and clear my throat and tell someone: Hey! I don't really want to go into it, but I'm not okay. It doesn't always make me feel any better, but sometimes it just needs to be said.
The rest of the day pretty much majorly sucked because I was wallowing over the fact that my life is harder than anyone else's in the world. I was fighting tears on and off all afternoon and through dinner. My friends and I had been planning to go downtown for the fireworks, and I was literally inches away from backing out at the last second, but I decided to stop being lame and just go. It wasn't a great time - my heart just wasn't in it. I probably wasn't much fun to be around. BUT you know what? I'm still glad I went. Even if I was still pretty glum (not to mention hot and sweaty), the outing shook me up and snapped me out of my crying funk. If I'd stayed home, I probably would have spent the night hiding out in my room, sniffling away, lamenting everything bad instead of remembering all the good.
I don't know why holidays tend to be so freaking hard on me. Like, shouldn't a random day off from work be a good thing? Instead, it totally throws me into a tailspin. I cannot handle upsets to my routine, and I cannot handle free time. Maybe I've just been doing so much better lately that I forgot how fragile things still are. I've only been on my new medication for about six weeks. I've only been eating reasonable recovery amounts for about five. Apparently, my body and my brain are still very much bewildered by all the changes, and I suppose I shouldn't get discouraged by a setback so early in the game. Still, it's extremely humbling to realize that you have the potential to become completely emotionally unstable VERY quickly, and with no warning.
Okay, now that I've totally bummed you out - I thought I should mention how awesome the fireworks were. Definitely the flashiest, most spectacular display I've ever seen. College City is much bigger than my hometown, and the fireworks were definitely scaled up appropriately. Maybe not TOTALLY worth the forty-five minutes I spent squeezed between sweaty drunk boys on the subway, but close.
I just randomly came across your blog, so hi! I can really relate to being so tired of all of it... the fighting and struggling and stuff. Like you, I tend to isolate myself when all those negative emotions come around. It is cool to read that you chose to go out in spite of it!
ReplyDeleteHi langley! I'm really glad you found me, but hate that you've struggled with some of the same stuff. Hope you're doing better now :)
DeleteI'm so sorry it's been an emotional stretch! I know it's incredibly difficult to reach out when you're struggling, but I give you a lot of credit for doing it and talking to your roommate, and also for going to see the fireworks. Sounds like it was a so-so experience, but like you said, probably good to get out a bit. Changes in the routine are so difficult! I'm definitely with you on that one. Hopefully as your body and brain get used to the meds and better nutrition, routine shake-ups won't be quite so jarring. It's hard to wait, though! Hang in there, and I hope the rest of the week goes smoother on the emotion-front!
ReplyDeleteChanges to routine are SO HARD for me. It sucks because I feel like a baby, but I also need to be conscious of what I can/cannot handle at this point. Hope you're doing better too, take care!
DeleteEven though you didn't feel comfortable or good on the 4th, I think this day was actually really positive for you. It shows that you are pushing yourself (duh, right? but still) and that you are beginning to emerge from the fog of your ED. My ED always manifested in isolation, solitary activities, and not opening up or challenging myself to join a group of people. I was in my own world, and I felt lonely and isolated but I wasn't able to DO anything about it or SAY anything about it. Here, you are showing that you are taking steps to get out of your own world. You recognize that it's bad and you're DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I'm REALLY proud of you. Recovery seems like it's just a series of long, uncomfortable, unsafe-feeling activities...but if they are taking you somewhere wonderful (which I believe yours are,) then they are worth it. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteHey Sarah! Yeah, isolation is definitely a problem for me. Even though I'm a TOTAL people person and always feel better after being around my friends, I still tend to withdraw when things get hard. And you're right, the ED definitely puts a fog over everything. Looking forward to leaving that behind, although it can be sort of overwhelming to reenter the real world!
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