Hey everyone - hope it was a good 4th all around! Mine was...hot. Seriously, it's really hot here. Thankfully I'm not having to deal with this, and the A/C in my apartment works just fine, but downtown College City was stifling last night at the fireworks. Not to mention packed. Navigating the subways on our way home was absolute chaos, but we made it out alive. Barely. Just kidding. But it was really hot. Even though I'm now a total city person after living here for three years, the crowds were a leeeeeetle bit much last night - especially with all the sweaty, shirtless drunks. Mmmhmm God bless America.
Backtracking - I had kind of a rough morning yesterday. Er, I guess it was kind of a rough day in general. I got super emotional and upset pretty early on. No real trigger or anything, I was just feeling down. Every once in a while it hits me how tired I am - tired of hurting, tired of fighting myself all the time, tired of being sick and broken and sad. I holed up in my room for a while in the morning, trying to cry quietly and not draw attention to myself, but of course I ended up wandering out and spilling to my roommate eventually. I really hate being the unstable one, and I really hate admitting that I'm struggling and can't hold it together. But sometimes I just need to raise my hand and clear my throat and tell someone: Hey! I don't really want to go into it, but I'm not okay. It doesn't always make me feel any better, but sometimes it just needs to be said.
The rest of the day pretty much majorly sucked because I was wallowing over the fact that my life is harder than anyone else's in the world. I was fighting tears on and off all afternoon and through dinner. My friends and I had been planning to go downtown for the fireworks, and I was literally inches away from backing out at the last second, but I decided to stop being lame and just go. It wasn't a great time - my heart just wasn't in it. I probably wasn't much fun to be around. BUT you know what? I'm still glad I went. Even if I was still pretty glum (not to mention hot and sweaty), the outing shook me up and snapped me out of my crying funk. If I'd stayed home, I probably would have spent the night hiding out in my room, sniffling away, lamenting everything bad instead of remembering all the good.
I don't know why holidays tend to be so freaking hard on me. Like, shouldn't a random day off from work be a good thing? Instead, it totally throws me into a tailspin. I cannot handle upsets to my routine, and I cannot handle free time. Maybe I've just been doing so much better lately that I forgot how fragile things still are. I've only been on my new medication for about six weeks. I've only been eating reasonable recovery amounts for about five. Apparently, my body and my brain are still very much bewildered by all the changes, and I suppose I shouldn't get discouraged by a setback so early in the game. Still, it's extremely humbling to realize that you have the potential to become completely emotionally unstable VERY quickly, and with no warning.
Okay, now that I've totally bummed you out - I thought I should mention how awesome the fireworks were. Definitely the flashiest, most spectacular display I've ever seen. College City is much bigger than my hometown, and the fireworks were definitely scaled up appropriately. Maybe not TOTALLY worth the forty-five minutes I spent squeezed between sweaty drunk boys on the subway, but close.